Only equals make friends. Any other relationship is out of order.
There is something I've been wanting to blog about for quite a while. When I saw this quote on facebook today, I knew it would be a great way to start.
I was spending time in therapy, struggling with yet another failed friendship. I had gotten very upset with this friend and had tried to discuss it with her. She was very resistant to any sort of perceived criticism and had quit talking to me. I was lamenting to my therapist that I had failed once again. As we started digging a bit deeper, I confessed that I had a string of friendships that had ended very similarly. I began to lament about my being a trouble maker, confrontational, all the horrible things people have said about me. My therapist gently guided me into discussing the dynamic of the relationship. I finally cried saying that this friend thought herself to be 'better than' me.
The therapist smiled and started explaining a very common dynamic in people, and helped me to see my role in it. She said that every relationship starts with some rules. I my case, the rule was that I was less than and the other women were better than. My low self esteem really didn't foster equal type relationships, put in all sorts of projections, and here we are. She then went on to explain why these relationships usually fell apart. She said that when the lesser than person started realizing that the better than person wasn't perfect, the rules of the relationship would need to adjust also. She said usually, the 'lesser than' starts poking back "Wait a minute, you're not so perfect. Wait a minute, I have needs, too. Wait a minute, that hurt."
I learned this simple lesson: I had a choice to make, and this time it was a conscious choice. I could grow and learn that I am not a 'less than' person. This would risk loosing another friendship, or I could let the friendship continue with the same set of rules. It is rare that friendships can survive a rules change. The next to last conversation I had with this person ended with me saying "That's ok. I'm used to you making me feel bad." For me, the choice became very clear. No one, and I mean no one should be given permission to make me feel bad. I could choose very differently, and I did.
So, I realized the part that I was playing. I realized that my desire to let others be 'better than' was only sabotaging relationships. Since I can only change myself, I started working on that. I started believing myself to be an equal to people. I didn't want to react with trying to be the 'better than'. When I started spending some time with a co-worker who is a physician, I had to check myself quite often. Yes, roles in our life were different but we are ultimately all the same. She didn't deserve to be put on a pedestal, incapable of making mistakes. I didn't deserve to feel less than. So I tested my new abilities and fragile, yet growing, self esteem. Our friendship continues to grow today.
What amazes me is the friendships I have maintained during this transformative time. I honestly think they are the ones who gave me the strength to continue to grow. Several of these friends were in a position 'above' me, so to speak. One was a spiritual director who consciously moved our relationship into a spiritual friendship. Another was a care provider who approached her life's work as a service to mothers. They are both courageous women on spectacular journeys of self-reflection. Other friendships flourished that started at playgroups and in college dorms. I've come to value these people in a way that I would not have if I had not decided to make some changes.
So, I have learned that life is a Journey. People get to learn from thier mistakes, or not. I've made so many I'm not sure what to think about many of them. Yet, this time, I was blessed with the chance to learn from my mistakes and change myself. I managed to grow a little and see life from a different perspective, embracing friendships as equals.
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