Unfeeling

Tonight one of my favorite MASH episodes came on.  After watching it, I started flashing to a time that was all too similar.
In this episode, Margaret is especially hard on a new nurse for crying and getting upset.  She has no patience for any emotions, and tries to crack down on her.  The wise Colonel reminds the Major that they are in a war zone, and it takes some getting used to.  The nurse then promises Margaret that she will become as professional and 'unfeeling' as her in order to be able to stay.
Unfeeling.  It is what happens to people when they see tragedy every day.  It is what paramedics, police officers and fire fighters learn.  It is what I became after months on the streets working as a paramedic.  I could do anything without feeling.  It became a source of pride for me, especially since I was the only female on my shift.  I once carried on a joking conversation while doing CPR on a baby.  It is what we do.
Back to the episode.  It had been awhile since I had seen it, and I forgot how it had ended.  After berating the new nurse about having too many feelings, Margaret goes to the mess hall.  She had been feeding a puppy scrap food all week, and she finds out the puppy had been killed.  Fortunately, Hawkeye sees that she is upset and follows her to her tent.  She looses it an starts crying.  She says "People are dying all around me, why do I care about a little puppy?"  This line gave me goosebumps as I thought about one day I was riding one day in the ambulance.
We were riding towards Rosewood Drive, and I watched a beautiful dog get hit by a car.  The owner squats down by the dog, and we stop to help.  She's crying, and I start crying too.  We found a pick up truck, and they took the dog to the vet.  I, got back into the unit and kept sobbing.  I looked at my partner and asked him this same question.  "I watch people die all the time, why am I crying over a stupid dog?"
This incident really shook me for quite awhile.  It actually scared me to make me realize I still had feelings.  More imprtantly, I really couldn't control them.