I dareth you.....

.....to forgive me.

It was the last line in the cartoon I was watching with my 6 year old today. It has hit onto a theme for me right now, so I here I sit at my computer.

Yesterday, I was able to discuss things with 2 good friends. One of the conversations happened on my Therapist's couch, the other over a glass of wine. Both had the same themes of community and forgiveness. Both also had the flavor of honoring growth and compassion.

My spiritual mentor asked me why I keep revisiting old hurts. She exhorted me with the words "You are carrying around a dead baby." So, I took my question to a gifted therapist. Why am I doing this? The answer came out in a few minutes, and it even hurts to think about it. I feel bound to those people from whom I have asked for forgiveness. I struggle with wanting to be forgiven by them, and I hurt because they have not.

As I pondered this place of feeling stuck, I remembered a Rite found in the Book of Common Prayer. I participated in it as a birthday gift to myself when I turned 35. It is called "The Reconciliation of a Penitent." This was actually a process of my unburdening all that I carried. "Come unto me, all ye that travail and are heavy laden, and I will refresh you." (Matthew 11:28)
I had spent a few weeks writing down my sins. I ended up with several pieces of paper. As I looked back over them, I began to realize all of the things weighing me down. Eventually, I sorted through the silly things and focused on some of the core issues. In the end, I realized that I carried far more than I had deserved. In some ways, I ended up carrying other people's burdens. I think I was raised that way. Yesterday, I realized that I am still doing that with this desire to be forgiven. It is the burden of those who wish to be in Christian Community to work on their own reconciliation. Of course, we must realize that we are all a Penitent. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. For me, the root of forgiveness begins with my own acknowledgement that I am also capable of the act for which I am forgiving the other person.
It is almost 5 years since I gave my life Confession. It was an act of pure vulnerability and a sign of seeking wholeness in the Holy. I almost quit during the Rite. I had to ask myself if I were REALLY ready to do this: "Do you, then, forgive those who have sinned against you?" As I was kneeling, I took a deep breath. I paused wondering, am I even capable of this? This was one of those pivotal moments in my spiritual journey, and I took this leap of faith. I no longer want to bind people to me with a lack of forgiveness.
So, for my 40th birthday, I am revisiting this Rite. I am not exactly sure I know how to do this. I have become cynical of the politics involved in church. Those Priests left in my life are also my friends and mentors.
Yet, a big part of me desires to hear those words spoken again by a clergy member: "The lord has put away all your sins." Thanks be to God.

Satisfaction

I decided to take an impromptu trip to see Richard Walters from Pink Floyd last week. I had seen them when I was in college, and took the opportunity to ride with a friend to Charlotte for the concert. I went to the closet to grab a hat and saw the carrier I have used for many years to carry my kids. I always grab it to take on trips, even now. This time, I left it and grabbed my own hat.
As I grabbed my hat, I had a sense of the end of an era. My youngest turned 4 years old this week. We have had young children in the house since 1997. Most of our life has been very family centered since then. I've toted babies all over this country. Steve even got very good at carrying the kids.
What surprised me about my acknowledgement of this ending is my feeling of sincere satisfaction. I have put in time with my kids, lots and lots of time. When they are young, they need that physical connection to a mom. This is the 'trust vs. mistrust' stage of development according to Erickson. This is where these kids (and I think parents, too) get to learn how to be in this world. Erickson says that you have to satisfy this stage, or you struggle with trust for the rest of your life.
So, my years of toting, nursing, snuggling, responding, letting the housework go, was worth the trouble. I missed out on a lot of things. I even lost friends who didn't have the same values. I decided that was OK with me. I didn't miss out on anything of value. I put my time in.
So, I find myself satisfied with this parenting role I have. I see what kind of woman my oldest is becoming. She is spending this week working on a house with the church. She wanted to serve others. I even tried to talk her out of it, but she wanted to go. I like to think that time I put into her formative years is paying off a little bit. She knew she was a valued part of this family, and we wouldn't have left her behind. So, we toted her along, even if it meant missing out.
Most importantly, when I passed over that carrier, I realized something very important. I didn't think twice about taking some time away for me. I'm important, too. My kids and husband value me. That is very satisfying.

Symptoms

I had a co-worker one time who had recurrent ear infections. She was on her third or fourth round of antibiotics and was frustrated that she couldn't get well. She asked me if I had any ideas. Yeah, quit smoking. She looked at me with a strange look and said that she doesn't see how it is related. She did not want to look at the real problem. She just wanted to fix the symptoms. I went on to talk about respiratory tract infections. Besides, I told her, every time you suck on the cigarette it is messing with your ear pressure. That is why you are having so many problems.
As long as I knew her, she smoked. She also continued to complain about ear infections, not having enough money and all sorts of things. All of these 'symptoms' would have gone away with fixing the problem. This is very true in health care as a whole. Most people will go on medications to treat symptoms instead of loosing weight, dieting, exercising. While the medications help manage symptoms, the body ends up growing weaker.
I the same things hold true in families and other systems. When I see children struggling with something, I can see where it can simply be a symptom of a bigger dynamic. One time, I watched one of my children struggling with nervous ticks. My very strong initial reaction was to try to 'fix' the child. That was, by far, the easiest and quickest way to dispense of the symptom. However, I realized that there were other factors at play. I made some parenting adjustments and worked on myself. In turn, many of these symptoms began to disappear and our house became less anxiety ridden.
Children are like our ears or throat. They are the first ones to show symptoms of a problem. In most cases, we simply try to start fixing them. I tried homeschooling, spanking, yelling, crying, changing bedrooms, taking away TV, giving things, etc. It might have managed a symptom for a little bit, but the disease would just cause a different problem. I think a lot of times, this ends up leaving one of the parents as a martyr. That is not pretty.
So, this is the main part of my journey in life. I have worked on getting my own house in order. My own Spiritual House. This has been far more grueling than trying to fix everyone else's house. Trust me, I'd rather fix yours.

My first speech!

This is a copy of the speech I gave at toastmasters today. It went fairly well. During my evaluation, my evaluator asked me if I became short of breath. I laughed and said yes, I don't think I breathed much during the speech. Of course, I went too fast. Overall, I loved it and look forward to more!

Good afternoon fellow toastmasters. I am here today to introduce myself to you and give you information about my background, interests and ambitions. I have decided the title of this speech is a “Simple Life”. During my visits to this group, I have had the privilege of hearing many of your icebreaker speeches. I am thankful for this opportunity and look forward to what the future holds.
To begin telling my story, I’ll start at the beginning and work my way to the present. I come from a large family with many cousins, great-aunts and uncles. My family’s roots here in SC go back to the revolutionary war. My great-uncle still lives on land-granted property in Newberry County. I was raised in the 1970’s as our country scrambled to recover from a War. Much of my childhood was directly affected by my father’s experience in Vietnam.
My experience in school was typical. I was a good student and a pretty good athlete. I would become captain of high school basketball team. I even met this particular guy my junior year. At our first date, I had a feeling we would be spending the rest of our lives together.. After graduating from Lexington High School, I went off to Clemson University. The basketball coach there offered me a walk-on position. At the time, I was really struggling to adjust to college life, and my grades were horrible. There are times I wish I had taken that opportunity to become a college basketball player.
My major was psychology; I spent the majority of 4 years trying to figure out everyone and everything. I also became involved with a local rescue squad running ambulance calls. After college, I married and went to work here in Richland County as a paramedic. I worked nights in downtown Columbia during a period where this was the highest, per capita, violent crime city in the country.
After about 3 years of marriage, my husband I brought our first born into this world. Life as I had known it changed that day. This experience of childbirth and breastfeeding would go on to become a deep passion of mine.
Later, I went to school with 2 small children. I look back and wonder how I managed to make it through. With help from my mother and family, I became a registered nurse. It was a very proud day for me, mixed with sadness in the loss of my grandmother the very same week. I had cared for her in the years before her death and I count those years as very formative in my life. I grew up learning from all 4 of my grandparents. I am very lucky to have heard firsthand accounts of wars, the great depression and life in a different era.
After nursing school, I went to work on an ob/gyn floor. After about a year, I had my third child. I quit working and became involved in my first political action committee. We were working towards legislation to protect a mother’s right to nurse her baby in public. These were my first experiences with public speaking, and it was excruciating for me.
Without much experience as a nurse, and needing more income, my next job came in an Emergency Department. This was a great place for me to use my skills I had obtained as a paramedic and learn to define myself as a nurse. I also managed to have another baby while working there. If you are counting, that is 4 children.
After 5 years in the Emergency department, I moved to my current job. My husband lost his job, and we spent the summer racing to figure out who was going to be the primary breadwinner. I won that race and am happy to be challenged with a new sort of role. I am a patient educator for mothers and babies. After years of working in emergency medicine, I finally have the opportunity and confidence to sit and simply talk with my patients. I also have the time to develop speaking and leadership skills.
Most of what I have learned in my life is self-taught. I read all of the time. My favorite hobby is making pottery. I haven’t spent much time playing with clay lately, but I did buy a used kiln last year. My first kiln was broken in our latest move. I have also learned how to cook pretty well. My kids most often requests involve homemade pizza or some kind of pasta. I actually designed our new house around an open kitchen so that my kids could participate. My 3 and 6 year olds help me feed dough into the pasta maker; my 15 year old has even won an award for her brownies.
Even with a full time job, 4 kids and a small farm, I still take time away for me. I attend retreats at an Episcopal Convent in Augusta Georgia. I’ve made great friends there, and I look forward to that time of rest and renewal.
As far as ambitions, I hope to become a better speaker. I’d like to use my skills and passion to help mothers and babies. I might go back to school one day and work on a Master’s Degree. Who knows, I might even write a book.
Overall, my life is pretty simple. I live in the country on 16 acres of land. I am still happily married to that guy I in high school. We have 4 amazing children and wonderful friends. For me, these are the most important things in this “simple life” of mine.

Thank you.

Appreciation

I took my oldest child into our old neighborhood this week. We went to visit a neighbor and her granddaughter. She wasn't there, so we drove around and looked at our old house. I told her that I have a hard time fully appreciating something until it is gone. She responded with "Well, isn't that normal? Everyone does that."
First, I will say that I love it when someone affirms feelings without judgement. My daughter has had this ability since I can remember. Second, I am very sure that she is right. It seems to be very hard to be able to appreciated something fully until we contrast it with it being gone. That contrast seems to be a place where we really get to appreciate something.
That contrast can come in a different direction. Sometimes, we go without something. When we get it for the first time, or after a long time, we appreciate it greatly. Most importantly, we learn not to take it for granted. I think that is probably why we have one of the greatest dogs in the world. We found him through a rescue shelter. He had been found with wounds and feces all over him where he had been kept in a small cage. The woman who found him, cleaned him up, fed him, and got him ready for a loving family. This is where Buddy came into our life, and he is a great dog. He seems to appreciate everything, and always does as we ask him.
I feel this is important in human relationships also. We should try to appreciate each other as best we can. I doubt we can fully appreciate each other until one is gone. After watching a few friends move away, I appreciate them more now. When we get together, our time becomes very precious. Also, I've come to value relationships where I am appreciated. I don't take these friendships for granted any more. You never know when life will change things. You tend to loose the things in life that you take for granted.

Ministry of Presence

I have been thinking a great deal about my maternal grandmother lately. I think that the retreat last weekend about care taking has this in the front of my mind. Oh, how I miss her. There are so many things I want to say about her and our relationship. I think that I avoid it because it still hurts too much. So, I will start with a story surrounding her death. Even in her dying, I learned so much.
I was in my last day of nursing clinicals when one of the sitters called me and told me I needed to come be with my grandmother. She used the words 'death rattle'. I told my instructor I was leaving and got in the car. My mom was out of town, so it was up to me to take care of things. When I arrived, I opened the Book of Common Prayer and said prayers. This was very comforting to me, but I needed someone else to help. I called someone and asked her to send the Priest to our house. Shortly after that, she showed up in a tee shirt and jeans. What happened next stunned me and changed my life forever.
This Priest didn't come in the house to *do* anything. She simply sat with me. She sat with me for hours watching my grandmother struggle within her failing body. We talked, laughed and cried. There were no big rituals, no fancy prayers. We were simply present with each other, and my grandmother. It was beautiful, and intimate. It was simply a ministry of Presence.
I am finding, as I am growing in my journey, that I seemed to be called to give my own ministry of Presence. One time, I sat with a mother whose baby had died. We spent several hours talking and crying. Every bit of my body wanted to be *doing* something. Yet, I just sat, trying to be present with her grief. Recently, I sat for awhile with a friend who had lost her mother. We spent a long time just talking.
This is a different sort of way to be in the world. It means that you are *with* someone. There are no roles, no one is better or elevated. It means offering your best self to whatever the situation calls for. I continue to struggle at times with this, wanting to fix something. I try to say all of the right things, I try to end the suffering.
So the *work* of this ministry is preparing yourself. It is preparing yourself in a way that leaves baggage, hard feelings, agendas and roles behind. It is inviting your vulnerable place to sit down with another person's vulnerable place. I am very grateful for this gift given to me at my grandmother's bedside.