One of the Good Guys

In the ER, we have a section for non-emergencies.  It is called fast-track, and it is staffed by a mid-level practitioner.  I didn't really like working in this section because it is very fast paced and filled with patients using the Emergency Department for things that are not an emergency.  One day, I was working and getting aggravated.  The only redeeming factor was that I liked the Physician's assistant I was working with.  I remarked to him "You sure are generous with the pain medicine today."  His response was profound.  "These people are hurting.  If we can relieve their pain, that is what we are supposed to do.  Help people's pain."  He went on to talk about trying to relieve people's suffering.  He had spent his career trying to do this.  I'd say he relieve my suffering too.

When you work in Emergency Medicine, you usually work with people that are hardened.  Cynicism, mistrust and judgement are typical of the responses of staff.  Compassion is rare.  It is even rarer when it comes to having compassion for your co workers.  I had the privilege of spending numerous shifts with this physician assistant named Keith.  We had conversations that I would have never thought possible while at work.  We talked about God, politics, childhood baggage, raising children and much more.  He was completely open to listening and revealing himself.  I never, ever heard judgement from him.  He really was this source of light in our little ER family.  I usually keep my distance from co-workers.  Keith was the first one I ever shared phone numbers with.  He opened up a place inside of me that gave me permission to love someone I work with.  I don't know how I could ever thank him for that.

His illness gave all of us a chance to appreciate our time with him.  It was hard when we found out he wouldn't come back to work with us.  Most of us stayed in touch.  So when Keith came into our department in cardiac arrest, it sent our ER family reeling.  His passing became a very, very tangible part of our lives and we had to face it head on.  In many ways, this doesn't seem particularly fair because an ER staff thinks we need our hardened places in order to function.  When that facade of non-feeling falls, we are vulnerable.  Yet, when I really think about it, Keith functioned quite well without that facade.  In fact, he thrived because he remained vulnerable.  He stayed true to his profession of relieving other's pain by being present with us.  I will truly miss Keith.  He really was one of the good guys.

My heart is very heavy today.   Good bye, my friend.


                                                          Rest eternal grant to him, O God,
                                                               and let light perpetual shine upon him.

                                                                         

Masks

I went to the local IGA for a few things today.  The young cashier said "How are you today?"  It was said because that is just what you do, and I answered, "good, thanks."  I then paused for a second, looked up at her and said "Actually, I am very frustrated right now.  So thanks for asking."  She smiled and talked a little about herself and mood swings.  We had a very short, and real conversation.  I realize that she got to talk about herself, and so did I.  It seemed good for both of us.

A have a friend who is ALWAYS pushing me to learn new things.  She mails me books, or meets me to give them to me.  The latest one she gave me is about the masks people wear.  It is really, really messing with my head.  It is called TrueFaced, trust God and others with who you really are.  He breaks down people into basically 3 different masks.
 - Doing just fine
 -Those searching for the next 'new' technique
 -The Pedigreed mask

I usually fit into the 'doing just fine' mask.  This is the mask that I put on a long time ago in order to reconcile my feelings.  It is what I wear because it protects the people that hurt me.  If I'm 'doing just fine', then no one did anything wrong.  I've come to expect that people expect me to have this mask on.  It makes a dysfunctional system work.  It also helps the Pedigreed Mask wearer continue believing that her world is perfect. 

I've become tired of working in systems where we all wear masks.  I've spent too much time taking mine off and discovering who I really am.  Quite frankly, I am really struggling with this ache I have to be in authentic community with others.  I feel this struggle among people who insist that mask wearing is the way of the world. 

The point of this book is simple:  God loved us before we put our masks on, loves us without or masks.  I suspect that God even loves us with the mask on.

Taking care of our masks takes so much of our time and energy.  I wonder what the world would be like if we put our effort into loving each other instead of constructing masks.  I wonder where we would be if we trusted God and others with who we really are.

Magnicicat

     I was at a meeting for new mothers.  One mother confessed that she was really struggling, and I sat to confess the same.  She said she will fall asleep at night nursing her baby while praying the Rosary.  I, to, understand that prayer in the middle of the night.  This is one which is so over looked.  She teared up and said she didn't realize how hard it would be to mother, and she didn't know what else to do.  My response came from a deep place of knowing:  "Go to Mary, she understands."
     I found a close relationship with Saint Mary when I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child.  Feeling completely overwhelmed, I emailed a Priest friend of mine.  She had told me at a retreat that she would stay up, nursing her sons and play with their hair.  She had called it her time to pray.  She said to remember that Jesus had siblings and Mary must have struggled also.  This helped me see the Blessed Virgin as real.  She was human, just like me.  She faced a great deal at a young age.  She did it all knowing what was at stake.  This was inspiration to me, and I think to many other mothers who feel overwhelmed.
     Every mother's day I struggle.  I struggle with a past, a present and a future.  I struggle with a holiday that was intended to be a peacemaking day, and has turned into a shopping day.  We post things all over facebook about how wonderful and perfect our mothers are.  Yet, we forget how human we are.  I am acutely aware of how human I am.  I am all too aware of the mistakes from my childhood and the problems in my adulthood.  I don't like the commercial place of all things mother.  Yet, this year I received two amazing, and completely unexpected gifts.
     I received a lovely note and present from a teenage friend of the family.  She thanked me for being a mother in her life.  This was humbling for me, and I am so grateful for a young lady being able to express herself that way.  I, truly, am the lucky one.
     I also received words of wisdom from a good friend who understands me and my struggles.  She called just to tell me she understands the 'work' I have done.  She has seen how her mother has worked to break chains of abuse.  She called me to let me know how much she respects her mom, and that my kids will know the same.  She said that my children will rise up and call me blessed.
     These words came from a woman who's integrity I cannot question.  She does not speak things lightly, and she certainly doesn't tell untruths.  I was stunned by her words, and all together grateful.  Every mother should recieve this sort of gift.  For that instant I touched another place with Mary.  Somehow I think she gets this one too.  She calls herself a lowly servant, understanding that this service affects the generations. 
Amen

Magnificat - Luke 1:46-55 (as found in the St. Helena Breviary)

My soul proclaims your greatness, O God;
my spirit rejoices in you, my Savior,
 for you have looked with favor on your lowly servant.

From this day all generations will call me blessed;
 you, the Almighty, have done great things for me,
 and holy is your Name.

You have mercy on those who fear you
 from generation to generation.

You, O God, have shown strength with your arm,
 and scattered the proud in their conceit,

Casting down the mighty from their thrones
 and lifting up the lowly.

You have filled the hungry with good things
 and sent the rich away empty.

You have come to the help of your servant Israel,
 for you have remembered your promise of mercy,

The promise made to our forebears,
 to Abraham, Sarah and their children for ever.

Bent

For my Mother's Day ponderings, I headed into our woods.  We have 16 acres including 2 creeks.  Sometimes, when I can quiet my mind, I get a gift of insight.  This morning, it came in the form of an oak tree.

I looked up at an oddly shaped sprout.  At first, I thought it was some sort of vine because it was only as thick as my thumb.  After looking at the leaves, I realized it was an oak tree about 15 feet high.  It was oddly bent, and I realized that the top leaves were catching the morning light.  This is why it was so oddly formed, it had bent from its original upward journey in order to catch more light.  All trees need sunlight to survive.  In a crowded forest, it can be scarce.  I think in a struggling world, light can even be more rare.  In my Spiritual pursuits, I have come to see light as Truth.  I also know that darkness can never overcome light.

So, this tree bent in order to find light.  I've seen others bend in order to find that Truth.  I've bent myself in order to find it.  It hurts to bend sometimes.  I hurts to leave your original path.  It can make you look oddly shaped.  Many people cannot understand and see it as a flaw.  As with this tree, you might see it that way.  It might be hard to realize that this deformity is beauty at its purest.  It is a physical way of seeking light. 

This tree seems to doing better than just surviving.  It is beautiful and appears to be thriving.  I wonder if it is so healthy because of that bend.  It catches more light now that it is bent.  With that extra few hours of sunlight, it can grow more and be more healthy.  I wonder what it will look like in another 30 years.  I hope whoever looks at it will see the immense beauty designed into a tree that bent in order to find extra light.

Call him Master

 

 

 

 

When our oldest child was less than a year old, my husband walked in the door and announced to me "I'm going to get my bachelor's degree."  I remember looking at my baby and wondering how the heck we were going to make this happen.  Well, he worked as a full time road deputy while going to class.  Then I worked full time while he finished up his degree.  He didn't get the typical college experience of living on campus and going to parties.  He had to rush home for our baby swap, and we paid for it ourselves.  When it came time for graduation, we were all busting with pride.  He ended up carrying our daughter across the stage.  It was so sweet.  They talked about it on the front page of The State newspaper.  It was a banner day for the Senf family. 

Three kids later, having paid off all the student loan debt, Steve decides again to further his education.  Over the past 2 years he has gone out of his comfort zone performing very well on a graduate level.  He has grown in confidence and ability.  We are going to his graduation ceremony tomorrow to watch him give the Invocation at the ceremony and then walk across the stage.  We don't have any small children for him to carry across the stage, but we will be cheering him the whole time. 

Another banner day for the Senf family!

Don't tell anyone

When I was first married and had a baby, we had friends across the street.  We'd play cards and discuss life happenings.  I was still new to domestic work, and having to learn how to keep a tidy house.  In fact, I haven't quite gotten a hold on it.  I remarked that I had finally dusted the lamp shades and I had no idea how dirty they were.  This is when the man sitting next to me smirked a little and said "I don't think I'd tell anyone that."  In other words, you should hide that secret, it is embarrassing.  I think this comment shaped our friendship in many ways.  Lets keep our dirty little secrets to ourselves.  Lets not pretend we have dirty shades, financial concerns, parenting problems or dust.  Just deal the next hand and lets go about our lives.
This week, I had an impromptu lunch with a friend.  After awhile, we got down to the dirty parts of our lives.  It was freeing!  We are both struggling every! single! day!  We laughed so hard I was almost in tears. 
I'm finding this space in my life where I get to be real.  I don't have to be afraid to tell anyone things.  These friends respond with their own struggles.  It is not a place where we feel sorry for each other.  There is no pity.  There is simply this acknowledgement that life is usually messy.  It is complicated and also very, very funny.
I guess there was a time in my life where playing games was important.  Go ahead and just deal the next hand, have another beer and don't tell anyone.  This must have been valuable to me, so I'm glad I had it.  I also spent some time wanting everyone to feel sorry for me, pity me.  That served a purpose.  Now, I hope I'm entering into a phase in my life where people acknowledge their struggles and successes.  We don't listen to each other's problems with the intent of using it against them.  We don't pretend to be better than each other.  We work every day to be a little bit better and we laugh at ourselves when we fail.

Justice

I just got up from the bulk of a day spent in bed.  I flipped through netflix and found a movie with Gregory Peck in it.  I like him, so I watched it.  It was a movie about anti-Semitism.  Later on, I watched a youtube video posted about arrests made after a peaceful protest in NC very recently.  I went from a black and white movie to a vibrant color video.  Both of them were talking about the same thing.  When synchronicity happens for me, I try to pay attention.

In the movie "A gentleman's agreement", Gregory Peck identifies himself as Jewish so as to experience the prejudice first hand.  He also gets a taste of it when his young son comes home crying after being harassed.  This changed everything for Peck, and he knows he can never see the world the same way.  The issue comes out to another level when his girlfriend decides she cannot handle the politics.  She ends up having a conversation with a Jewish friend when she talks about her outrage at some off-color jokes.  He responds with "What did you do?"  She did nothing.  She just sat and listened, not wanting to upset her perfect little world.  She said she wanted to stop anti-Semitism, but she confessed that she wanted someone else to fight it.  There is a very poignant place where she realizes that she is contributing by standing by silently.  She becomes the change she wanted to see.

This hit home with me when I watched people stand by silently while I was humiliated at a previous church.  The whole congregation stood by silently while member after member was run off.  They watched as one unethical decision was made after another.  Or, perhaps, they just chose to ignore it.  It didn't affect them, so why worry.  If I thought I had been the only victim of spiritual abuse there, I would have never stayed.  I did so in order to try to bring some sort of Justice.  Instead, I failed.  Better yet, I think the bigger church failed.  Hopefully, the lessons I learned there will help me be more successful the next battle for justice comes along.  I've experience true suffering, and I feel a bit invulnerable to humiliation.  I doubt I will let it cause me to react so strongly.

This brings me to the next video.  It was of NAACP members seeking Justice in North Carolina.  It shows pictures of them being handcuffed and driven away.  I saw them meet every second of it with dignity and singing.  The oppressors tried to humiliate them, but they didn't succeed.  These brave souls feared injustice more than humiliation.  They did it with Reverence and thoughtfulness.  I, honestly, wish I could have been there with them.  Perhaps, I could have found some redemption in my own hard worn lessons.

People in our world are too attached to their social positions, titles, incomes and power.  They spend their time keeping their worlds looking perfect.  They do this at the expense of others.  I've become very skeptical of churches who tout dance parties and wine tastings as Christian successes.  I think Christ spent his time fighting against this sort of establishment.  He fought for Justice and He wrecked peoples perfect little worlds.  He did them a huge favor.  I'm glad my world was wrecked, I would have missed out on so much.