When my baby was 1 day old, the midwife came by for the checkup. After it was over, she turns to my husband and looks at him square in the eye. "At this point in recovering, your wife has about a 5 minute emotional reserve." We all laughed. Later that day, we would find out that she was wrong. It was about 2 minutes.
I was so glad to have this bit of wisdom in my post partum time. It helped me feel better about the complete meltdowns and sheer sense of panic when unexpected things came up. I had every reason to have depleted my emotional reserve with the work in birthing a baby. I enjoyed the validation and love that came. I also was able to accept my own limits without expecting rescue. I could just feel what I was feeling.
This summer, I have been working nights. Once again, I have watched my emotional reserves dwindle as I loose sleep and rest. I've realized there are quite a few times in my life when my reserves have dipped, and I had not paid attention to them. Instead of paying attention, I ended up finding myself exhausted and completely depleted. It is hard to build reserves back up from a negative. I've learned to start paying attention sooner. I also value friends who understand "I've over extended myself, sorry."
I used to think that taking care of myself was simply selfish. I should feel guilty for pulling back and saying no. This, of course, means that I have one more reminder of how inadequate I am. In a culture where you are valued for all that you do, I have to be happy with who I am.
I hope that I can head into a world where people look for emotional sustainability. A place where we can learn when to rest and when to work. In this place, I wouldn't be judged. In this place, people wouldn't express great concern. They'd simply be able to recognize exhaustion. Perhaps, they would recognize it in themselves and spend time building their own reserves without taking away from others.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Provoke
Colossians 3:21
21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Parents and other parent figures hold a special place in people's lives. I've read a great deal about parenting as leadership. As most psychologists would tell you, parents have an immense impact on a child. In my struggles to define myself as a parent, I decided I would accept the fact that I was extremely powerful in my kid's psyches. I realized that I really do set a tone with them. Ultimately, how we function as a family reflects my inner station. This was a very, very hard realization to come to. I would really rather abdicate my position in my child's life to everything else. More importantly, I could be less of an authority and more of a passenger to things. In our culture, most leaders blame the followers for any mistake. So parents can just blame their kids.
I think the problem comes in when we realize that parents have the unique ability to provoke their children. No one can make a child cry quite as effectively as his own dad. Moms reside at a very intimate and vulnerable space. Therefore, we parents have a great power. We can use that power to provoke anger. And we can also use that power to heal.
I read a book a couple of years ago about this exact scripture. I stammered about for the whole day realizing that a child's anger is provoked. Children, inherently don't have anger. It is a secondary emotion following fear. I had to look at myself in the mirror and realize that my child's anger was being provoked. In a more excruciating moment, I realized that I was provoking it.
I grew up in a household full of anxiety and anger. For me, it can be the only emotion that makes sense. It is a place I easily go. It is a place I can send my kids to make me feel more comfortable. And sadly, at age 40, I remain easily provoked. Tonight, unable to sleep, I looked at my bookshelf full of books on enlightenment, parenting, leadership, psychology. I keep reaching for that next book that is going to make this all better for me, for my family. I keep wondering why I struggle so much in these aspects of life. I wonder when the struggle will end. Then, I take a sip of wine and realize that the day I quite struggling is the day I die. My journey towards understanding continues. I pray that it serves someone. Most importantly, I hope it serves this next generation I have living in my house. Perhaps they will be able to sleep at night and not struggle to unburden themselves from past generations.
Parents and other parent figures hold a special place in people's lives. I've read a great deal about parenting as leadership. As most psychologists would tell you, parents have an immense impact on a child. In my struggles to define myself as a parent, I decided I would accept the fact that I was extremely powerful in my kid's psyches. I realized that I really do set a tone with them. Ultimately, how we function as a family reflects my inner station. This was a very, very hard realization to come to. I would really rather abdicate my position in my child's life to everything else. More importantly, I could be less of an authority and more of a passenger to things. In our culture, most leaders blame the followers for any mistake. So parents can just blame their kids.
I think the problem comes in when we realize that parents have the unique ability to provoke their children. No one can make a child cry quite as effectively as his own dad. Moms reside at a very intimate and vulnerable space. Therefore, we parents have a great power. We can use that power to provoke anger. And we can also use that power to heal.
I read a book a couple of years ago about this exact scripture. I stammered about for the whole day realizing that a child's anger is provoked. Children, inherently don't have anger. It is a secondary emotion following fear. I had to look at myself in the mirror and realize that my child's anger was being provoked. In a more excruciating moment, I realized that I was provoking it.
I grew up in a household full of anxiety and anger. For me, it can be the only emotion that makes sense. It is a place I easily go. It is a place I can send my kids to make me feel more comfortable. And sadly, at age 40, I remain easily provoked. Tonight, unable to sleep, I looked at my bookshelf full of books on enlightenment, parenting, leadership, psychology. I keep reaching for that next book that is going to make this all better for me, for my family. I keep wondering why I struggle so much in these aspects of life. I wonder when the struggle will end. Then, I take a sip of wine and realize that the day I quite struggling is the day I die. My journey towards understanding continues. I pray that it serves someone. Most importantly, I hope it serves this next generation I have living in my house. Perhaps they will be able to sleep at night and not struggle to unburden themselves from past generations.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)