Emotional Reserve

     When my baby was 1 day old, the midwife came by for the checkup.  After it was over, she turns to my husband and looks at him square in the eye.  "At this point in recovering, your wife has about a 5 minute emotional reserve."  We all laughed.  Later that day, we would find out that she was wrong.  It was about 2 minutes.
     I was so glad to have this bit of wisdom in my post partum time.  It helped me feel better about the complete meltdowns and sheer sense of panic when unexpected things came up.  I had every reason to have depleted my emotional reserve with the work in birthing a baby.  I enjoyed the validation and love that came.  I also was able to accept my own limits without expecting rescue.  I could just feel what I was feeling.
     This summer, I have been working nights.  Once again, I have watched my emotional reserves dwindle as I loose sleep and rest.  I've realized there are quite a few times in my life when my reserves have dipped, and I had not paid attention to them.  Instead of paying attention, I ended up finding myself exhausted and completely depleted.  It is hard to build reserves back up from a negative.  I've learned to start paying attention sooner.  I also value friends who understand "I've over extended myself, sorry."
     I used to think that taking care of myself was simply selfish.  I should feel guilty for pulling back and saying no.  This, of course, means that I have one more reminder of how inadequate I am.  In a culture where you are valued for all that you do, I have to be happy with who I am.
     I hope that I can head into a world where people look for emotional sustainability.  A place where we can learn when to rest and when to work.  In this place, I wouldn't be judged.  In this place, people wouldn't express great concern.  They'd simply be able to recognize exhaustion.  Perhaps, they would recognize it in themselves and spend time building their own reserves without taking away from others.