Provoke

Colossians 3:21 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

     Parents and other parent figures hold a special place in people's lives. I've read a great deal about parenting as leadership. As most psychologists would tell you, parents have an immense impact on a child. In my struggles to define myself as a parent, I decided I would accept the fact that I was extremely powerful in my kid's psyches. I realized that I really do set a tone with them. Ultimately, how we function as a family reflects my inner station. This was a very, very hard realization to come to. I would really rather abdicate my position in my child's life to everything else. More importantly, I could be less of an authority and more of a passenger to things. In our culture, most leaders blame the followers for any mistake. So parents can just blame their kids.
     I think the problem comes in when we realize that parents have the unique ability to provoke their children. No one can make a child cry quite as effectively as his own dad. Moms reside at a very intimate and vulnerable space. Therefore, we parents have a great power. We can use that power to provoke anger. And we can also use that power to heal.
     I read a book a couple of years ago about this exact scripture. I stammered about for the whole day realizing that a child's anger is provoked. Children, inherently don't have anger. It is a secondary emotion following fear. I had to look at myself in the mirror and realize that my child's anger was being provoked. In a more excruciating moment, I realized that I was provoking it.
     I grew up in a household full of anxiety and anger. For me, it can be the only emotion that makes sense. It is a place I easily go. It is a place I can send my kids to make me feel more comfortable. And sadly, at age 40, I remain easily provoked. Tonight, unable to sleep, I looked at my bookshelf full of books on enlightenment, parenting, leadership, psychology. I keep reaching for that next book that is going to make this all better for me, for my family. I keep wondering why I struggle so much in these aspects of life. I wonder when the struggle will end. Then, I take a sip of wine and realize that the day I quite struggling is the day I die. My journey towards understanding continues. I pray that it serves someone. Most importantly, I hope it serves this next generation I have living in my house. Perhaps they will be able to sleep at night and not struggle to unburden themselves from past generations.