A hole in my heart

I went to a memorial service for a friend who lost her baby today. It was a hard thing to fathom. A loss: so close, yet so far away from delivery. I was caught off guard by my flow of emotions. I just couldn't stop crying. I looked at a friend and confessed my overwhelming emotions. She said something to me that I have struggled with for a long time. She said that something about becoming a parent leaves a hole in your heart. It makes it so easy to hurt for others, especially children. I think that sometimes, we forget about this hole in our hearts. I think that sometimes we try to hide it, or close it. I think sometimes we try to pretend it isn't there. It can just hurt too much.
I remember times in my life where I have tried to hide that hole. I also recognizes those times when I made a decision. I have made several, very conscious, decisions to open my heart. I have quit jobs, moved away and left communities in order to protect this hole. I have managed to find a way to protect it, honor it and even love it. I want to keep the ability to cry, laugh, mourn and dance. I want to be present to those things that make me a mother. Being a mom is what I do. It is (BY FAR) the hardest thing I have ever done. I work hard at it, and it leaves me tired, grumpy and sleepy most days. It leaves me wondering, wishing, pondering.
Those were words of wisdom I heard today. I have never been able to explain it, but there it is. A very simple comment by a very good friend. Yes, I walk through this world with a hole in my heart.

Why?

Seven years ago today, my grandmother died. It was, by far, one of the hardest periods of my life. I helped care for her in the last years of her life, more so in the final months as we brought in hospice care. I was also in the last semester of nursing school. Gaga died on a Sunday. I took one final exam on Monday. We had the funeral on Tuesday. On Wednesday I took my other final exam. Needless to say, I was completely overwhelmed.

I think with all of the hard parts, difficult decisions and grief, I got caught up in things. I tend to look back at all of the mistakes I made. I would of, could of, should of. I wish I had been nicer to my grandmother. I regret any words that sounded harsh.

Last week, I was cleaning out a book case and found one of Gaga's many journals. I turned a page and found this quote:
"WHY? Why are Harrietta, Steve and Melissa so good to me?"

I was able to hear a big thank you from my grandmother 7 years later. Wow. As my tears flowed, I started thinking about all of the good times. I remembered the deep love that Gaga had for me and my family. She never would have remembered, or focused on any of the bad times. She just didn't have it in her to judge people harshly for anything. Everyone deserves someone like that in their lives. I am very grateful to have a reminder that I had one play a large role in my life. Somehow, I think she still plays a role in my life and always will.

Conflict

I'm going to tell a story that happened a long time ago. It was back in the 90's when I was running ambulance calls. One day, my partner and I responded to a call and transported an elderly lady to the ED. When we found the patient, she was not breathing adequately and needed to be intubated with an endotracheal tube (e.t.). When the tube is placed inside the trachea, we can fill the lungs with life-saving oxygen. Sometimes, the tube gets shifted and ends up in the patient's stomach. When that happens, the patient does not get oxygen to the lungs. This can lead to disaster. On this particular call, we had placed the tube correctly in the back of the ambulance. I watched my patient turn from blue and listless, to pink and looking around. Upon arrival at the ED, something happened and the patient began turning blue. I suggested to the nurse that the tube was out of place, and they needed to confirm it. Typically, this is done very easily with a stethoscope and the doctor actually placing his hands on the patient. However, this doctor decided to defer to an xray and we had to wait several minutes for the xray to be done. In the meantime, the patient continued turning blue, and her stomach appeared to be filling with air. I went back to the nurse and begged her to ask the doctor to do something. She just looked at me and said 'we are waiting on the xray'. Not wanting to have a conflict, I just walked away. She wasn't my patient any more. After a little while, I walked back in to find that this patient had died. I watched the doctor bring her husband to the hall and stand outside the door. He said something like "I'm sorry, but your wife died. There was nothing we could do." He then turned and walked away. That man had been married to that woman for over 60 years. This was how it ended for him. It was all so cruel and unnecessary. I walked out of that ED feeling the full impact of my decision to avoid conflict. I have spent almost every day of my life wondering what might have happened if I had decided to confront the doctor. I watched someone die because I wanted to avoid conflict. I, honestly, think a part of me has been confronting people and seeking conflict since then. I guess I have been trying to make up for what I didn't do so long ago. I share this story hoping that people will have a little more understanding for me. I am hoping that people will show me a little grace and compassion. No one should have to live with watching someone die. But, I do.

Church quote

"On the whole, I do not find Christians, outside the catacombs, sufficiently sensible of the conditions. Does any-one have the foggiest idea what sort of power we so blithely invoke? Or, as I suspect, does no one believe a word of it? The churches are children playing on the floor with their chemistry sets, mixing up a batch of TNT to kill a Sunday morning. It is madness to wear ladies' straw hats and velvet hats to church; we should all be wearing crash helmets. Ushers should issue life preservers and signal flares; they should lash us to our pews. For the sleeping god may wake some day and take offense, or the waking god may draw us out to where we can never return." (from Annie Dillard's, Teaching a Stone to Talk, Harper & Row, 1982)

A Litany

A LITANY of the PERSON

image of God

born of God's breath

vessel of Divine Love

capacity for the Infinite

after God's likeness

dwelling of God

eternally known

branch of Christ

chosen of God

abiding in Christ

called from eternity

home of Infinite Majesty

temple of the Holy Spirit

receptacle of the Most High

wellspring of Living Water

life in the Lord of all Life

heir of the reign of God

abode of the Trinity

the Glory of God

God sings this litany

eternally in the precious Word.

This is who you are.

Abbey of Gethsemani Trappist KY 40051

[modified slightly, Ann Prentice, OSH]

Forgiving God

I recently spend a weekend on retreat at a Convent. Because of several unavoidable circumstances, the planned program for the retreat was put to the side. Instead, we entered into a sacred space of sharing and affirming each other in very special ways. I did not get the 'rest and quiet' I had expected. Instead, I came away steadied. I had a strong sense that I was coming to face some challenges in my Faith. Fortunately, I had a new found strength to meet them. One of the most memorable conversations answered a question I have held deep down inside of me for a long time. I have, at times, been very, very angry with God. I have often wondered, angrily, how our Creator could allow so much suffering in our world. How could people, churches, governments use God's name to kill, harm or exclude God's own children? I just have never been able to wrap my mind around all of it. I had always been taught that Jesus died on the Cross so that we would be forgiven of our sins. I never quite agreed with this teaching, and I have always struggled with the concept behind the Crucifixion. When one of the Sisters began talking about this subject, I sat back waiting for the same old teaching. It was a good thing that I paid attention, because she had a very different take on the subject. She said that she had heard another nun, a long time ago, explain the Crucifixion in a different way. I can't remember her exact words, because I started crying right away. Her ideas went something like this. She explained that God allowed people to see the suffering of a Son of God so that we could forgive the Divine. God wanted to let us know that He knew what suffering was, and that we would need permission to forgive Him. This has changed my view of many things. I will be eternally grateful for this Nun, my sister, to have taken this path of love. She has touched my life (in several ways) that is beyond words. I am trying to find my own path of love and forgiveness, hoping to find more and more brothers and sisters to share it with me.

The final book

Thanks to a comment by my faithful cousin, I found out that Jean Auel had completed her series of Earth's Children. I had no idea that she had already published this book, and it has taken me quite by surprise. I got up this morning and drove straight to the book store and bought the book. This series of books has had quite an impact in my life. One day, someone was trying to help me understand a part of myself. As if struck by a lightening bolt of insight, I literally, sat straight up and said "It is like Ayla in Clan of the Cave Bear!" About 2 years later, we would name our youngest child Ayla. There are so many reasons attached to naming her this. There are so many things I have learned about myself while reading this series. There is just so much here. I was under the impression that I had read the last book in the series. Up until now, I didn't know there would be an end to this epic story. Because of that, I have very mixed feelings about starting this last book. One part of me wants to keep wondering what happens to Ayla. Part of me aches to know the end. In the video clip about this book, they announced "Ayla becomes the woman she was meant to be." This quote has such a place in my life right now. I have been searching, trying, hoping to find the woman I was meant to be. Perhaps, I can find some more of my own truth in this story. I wonder. Later tonight, I will begin reading this book. I will do it with great intention, knowing what this book has taught me about myself. I can't wait!!