Conflict

I'm going to tell a story that happened a long time ago. It was back in the 90's when I was running ambulance calls. One day, my partner and I responded to a call and transported an elderly lady to the ED. When we found the patient, she was not breathing adequately and needed to be intubated with an endotracheal tube (e.t.). When the tube is placed inside the trachea, we can fill the lungs with life-saving oxygen. Sometimes, the tube gets shifted and ends up in the patient's stomach. When that happens, the patient does not get oxygen to the lungs. This can lead to disaster. On this particular call, we had placed the tube correctly in the back of the ambulance. I watched my patient turn from blue and listless, to pink and looking around. Upon arrival at the ED, something happened and the patient began turning blue. I suggested to the nurse that the tube was out of place, and they needed to confirm it. Typically, this is done very easily with a stethoscope and the doctor actually placing his hands on the patient. However, this doctor decided to defer to an xray and we had to wait several minutes for the xray to be done. In the meantime, the patient continued turning blue, and her stomach appeared to be filling with air. I went back to the nurse and begged her to ask the doctor to do something. She just looked at me and said 'we are waiting on the xray'. Not wanting to have a conflict, I just walked away. She wasn't my patient any more. After a little while, I walked back in to find that this patient had died. I watched the doctor bring her husband to the hall and stand outside the door. He said something like "I'm sorry, but your wife died. There was nothing we could do." He then turned and walked away. That man had been married to that woman for over 60 years. This was how it ended for him. It was all so cruel and unnecessary. I walked out of that ED feeling the full impact of my decision to avoid conflict. I have spent almost every day of my life wondering what might have happened if I had decided to confront the doctor. I watched someone die because I wanted to avoid conflict. I, honestly, think a part of me has been confronting people and seeking conflict since then. I guess I have been trying to make up for what I didn't do so long ago. I share this story hoping that people will have a little more understanding for me. I am hoping that people will show me a little grace and compassion. No one should have to live with watching someone die. But, I do.