A hole in my heart

I went to a memorial service for a friend who lost her baby today. It was a hard thing to fathom. A loss: so close, yet so far away from delivery. I was caught off guard by my flow of emotions. I just couldn't stop crying. I looked at a friend and confessed my overwhelming emotions. She said something to me that I have struggled with for a long time. She said that something about becoming a parent leaves a hole in your heart. It makes it so easy to hurt for others, especially children. I think that sometimes, we forget about this hole in our hearts. I think that sometimes we try to hide it, or close it. I think sometimes we try to pretend it isn't there. It can just hurt too much.
I remember times in my life where I have tried to hide that hole. I also recognizes those times when I made a decision. I have made several, very conscious, decisions to open my heart. I have quit jobs, moved away and left communities in order to protect this hole. I have managed to find a way to protect it, honor it and even love it. I want to keep the ability to cry, laugh, mourn and dance. I want to be present to those things that make me a mother. Being a mom is what I do. It is (BY FAR) the hardest thing I have ever done. I work hard at it, and it leaves me tired, grumpy and sleepy most days. It leaves me wondering, wishing, pondering.
Those were words of wisdom I heard today. I have never been able to explain it, but there it is. A very simple comment by a very good friend. Yes, I walk through this world with a hole in my heart.