On some level, I think that I am always scared. At least a little bit scared. I am scared of not being able to pay my bills, so I go to work. I am scared of running out of food, so I go to the grocery store. I am scared that the animals and children will go hungry, so I make sure they are fed. I think this is almost like a tension that exists in my life, in every one's life.
So, being a bit scared can be a good thing. I think that I am starting to be able to figure some things out. I am more aware of what I am deeply scared of. I have also stopped being scared of many things. Here is an incomplete list of things I am NOT scared of:
I am not scared of loosing friends.
I am not scared of being judged.
I am not scared of being humiliated.
I am not scared of speaking up.
I am not scared of sharing love.
I am not scared of receiving love.
I am not scared of standing for Justice.
I am not scared of being excluded.
The reason I am not scared of these things is simple. I remain scared of something bigger than all of that.
I am scared of stopping short of the woman I am supposed to be.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
A mission
I had the most interesting talk with a new doctor last night. We were discussing the 'state' of health care in our country. Insurance companies, lobbyists, corporations, institutions. It is enough to drive a health care provider crazy. At the end of the conversation, I said "Sometimes, I wonder why I ever became a nurse." His response surprised me, and I am not easily surprised. He said something like "When you start questioning what you are doing, it is time to do what I did. I went on a mission to the Himalayans and reminded myself why I became a doctor." He said it was hard, but it made him so thankful to be able to help others. In the mountains of India, there are no insurance companies, forms or all of the other things that get between a doctor and a patient. There are just people needing help and people willing to give it.
I have been asked to participate in a medical mission to Vietnam next year. I was initially excited about the opportunity to go to a place where my father served in the army. Then, reality set in. I can't afford the thousands of dollars for the trip. And quite frankly, I hate asking for any help. Yet, something is playing in the back of my mind. Is it possible for me to do this? Is this something that I am supposed to do? Could I find the money, earn the money or be given money? Could I possibly just simply ask for help?
I don't ask for help well, and I probably do an even worse job of accepting it. I was raised with the whole 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' thing.
It would be an honor and privilege to go on a mission and serve the greater good in another country. I am seriously considering trying to make a go of this. If I do, I'll have to let people know that I need help, money and lots of prayers.
Was this doctor just making an off the wall comment, or was he challenging me to take on a mission? Who the heck knows? We'll see.
I have been asked to participate in a medical mission to Vietnam next year. I was initially excited about the opportunity to go to a place where my father served in the army. Then, reality set in. I can't afford the thousands of dollars for the trip. And quite frankly, I hate asking for any help. Yet, something is playing in the back of my mind. Is it possible for me to do this? Is this something that I am supposed to do? Could I find the money, earn the money or be given money? Could I possibly just simply ask for help?
I don't ask for help well, and I probably do an even worse job of accepting it. I was raised with the whole 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' thing.
It would be an honor and privilege to go on a mission and serve the greater good in another country. I am seriously considering trying to make a go of this. If I do, I'll have to let people know that I need help, money and lots of prayers.
Was this doctor just making an off the wall comment, or was he challenging me to take on a mission? Who the heck knows? We'll see.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Ayla's quote
This quote is from last book of the Clan of the Cave Bear series. It is my favorite one, and it rang so true for me.
"She had never asked, she had always been chosen, and for each acceptance she bore a mark, a scar that she would carry always. It was the sacrifice she'd had to make. Now she was being chosen again. She could still decline, but if she didn't refuse now, she was committed for life. It crossed her mind that the scars would always remind her that there were consequences to being chosen, responsibilities that came with acceptance."
page 610, The land of the Painted Caves, by Jean M. Auel
"She had never asked, she had always been chosen, and for each acceptance she bore a mark, a scar that she would carry always. It was the sacrifice she'd had to make. Now she was being chosen again. She could still decline, but if she didn't refuse now, she was committed for life. It crossed her mind that the scars would always remind her that there were consequences to being chosen, responsibilities that came with acceptance."
page 610, The land of the Painted Caves, by Jean M. Auel
Monday, May 16, 2011
Writer's block
I guess one of the reasons I have not posted in awhile is simple. I don't feel like I can say what I really, really want to. Therefore, I say nothing. It sounds a bit childish, and there is a pretty long story behind all of this. Yet, right now, I am in no man's land. I have learned a very hard lesson lately. When I put some of my thoughts out to the world, people can use them. They can use them as a part of their own story, building relationships. Or, people can use my words to malign, humiliate or shame me.
This is a bit of a stumbling block for me right now, and I am trying to noodle my way through this one. I think the hardest part for me is simple, I cannot control what people will do with my words. I can simply try to remain true to my own story, and not be afraid to speak up. I don't like acting out of fear, or desperation.
One thing is certain, I love it when I hear people tell me how my writing has touched them. I learned, recently, that someone has one of my posts up on her refrigerator. That makes me so grateful for the risks that I have taken here, and lucky to be a part of another person's story.
So, forgive me while I pout for a little while. I've gotten my feelings hurt. One thing I have learned for sure: I will never, ever, ever quit telling my story. I want my kids and other people to know one thing about me. I have absolutely NO shame in who I am, or where I come from. I am simply a human being on a journey. My journey, no body else's. I may share it with you by publishing a blog, but I will not give it to you. It is not yours to take.
This is a bit of a stumbling block for me right now, and I am trying to noodle my way through this one. I think the hardest part for me is simple, I cannot control what people will do with my words. I can simply try to remain true to my own story, and not be afraid to speak up. I don't like acting out of fear, or desperation.
One thing is certain, I love it when I hear people tell me how my writing has touched them. I learned, recently, that someone has one of my posts up on her refrigerator. That makes me so grateful for the risks that I have taken here, and lucky to be a part of another person's story.
So, forgive me while I pout for a little while. I've gotten my feelings hurt. One thing I have learned for sure: I will never, ever, ever quit telling my story. I want my kids and other people to know one thing about me. I have absolutely NO shame in who I am, or where I come from. I am simply a human being on a journey. My journey, no body else's. I may share it with you by publishing a blog, but I will not give it to you. It is not yours to take.
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