One of the Good Guys

In the ER, we have a section for non-emergencies.  It is called fast-track, and it is staffed by a mid-level practitioner.  I didn't really like working in this section because it is very fast paced and filled with patients using the Emergency Department for things that are not an emergency.  One day, I was working and getting aggravated.  The only redeeming factor was that I liked the Physician's assistant I was working with.  I remarked to him "You sure are generous with the pain medicine today."  His response was profound.  "These people are hurting.  If we can relieve their pain, that is what we are supposed to do.  Help people's pain."  He went on to talk about trying to relieve people's suffering.  He had spent his career trying to do this.  I'd say he relieve my suffering too.

When you work in Emergency Medicine, you usually work with people that are hardened.  Cynicism, mistrust and judgement are typical of the responses of staff.  Compassion is rare.  It is even rarer when it comes to having compassion for your co workers.  I had the privilege of spending numerous shifts with this physician assistant named Keith.  We had conversations that I would have never thought possible while at work.  We talked about God, politics, childhood baggage, raising children and much more.  He was completely open to listening and revealing himself.  I never, ever heard judgement from him.  He really was this source of light in our little ER family.  I usually keep my distance from co-workers.  Keith was the first one I ever shared phone numbers with.  He opened up a place inside of me that gave me permission to love someone I work with.  I don't know how I could ever thank him for that.

His illness gave all of us a chance to appreciate our time with him.  It was hard when we found out he wouldn't come back to work with us.  Most of us stayed in touch.  So when Keith came into our department in cardiac arrest, it sent our ER family reeling.  His passing became a very, very tangible part of our lives and we had to face it head on.  In many ways, this doesn't seem particularly fair because an ER staff thinks we need our hardened places in order to function.  When that facade of non-feeling falls, we are vulnerable.  Yet, when I really think about it, Keith functioned quite well without that facade.  In fact, he thrived because he remained vulnerable.  He stayed true to his profession of relieving other's pain by being present with us.  I will truly miss Keith.  He really was one of the good guys.

My heart is very heavy today.   Good bye, my friend.


                                                          Rest eternal grant to him, O God,
                                                               and let light perpetual shine upon him.