I dareth you.....

.....to forgive me.

It was the last line in the cartoon I was watching with my 6 year old today. It has hit onto a theme for me right now, so I here I sit at my computer.

Yesterday, I was able to discuss things with 2 good friends. One of the conversations happened on my Therapist's couch, the other over a glass of wine. Both had the same themes of community and forgiveness. Both also had the flavor of honoring growth and compassion.

My spiritual mentor asked me why I keep revisiting old hurts. She exhorted me with the words "You are carrying around a dead baby." So, I took my question to a gifted therapist. Why am I doing this? The answer came out in a few minutes, and it even hurts to think about it. I feel bound to those people from whom I have asked for forgiveness. I struggle with wanting to be forgiven by them, and I hurt because they have not.

As I pondered this place of feeling stuck, I remembered a Rite found in the Book of Common Prayer. I participated in it as a birthday gift to myself when I turned 35. It is called "The Reconciliation of a Penitent." This was actually a process of my unburdening all that I carried. "Come unto me, all ye that travail and are heavy laden, and I will refresh you." (Matthew 11:28)
I had spent a few weeks writing down my sins. I ended up with several pieces of paper. As I looked back over them, I began to realize all of the things weighing me down. Eventually, I sorted through the silly things and focused on some of the core issues. In the end, I realized that I carried far more than I had deserved. In some ways, I ended up carrying other people's burdens. I think I was raised that way. Yesterday, I realized that I am still doing that with this desire to be forgiven. It is the burden of those who wish to be in Christian Community to work on their own reconciliation. Of course, we must realize that we are all a Penitent. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. For me, the root of forgiveness begins with my own acknowledgement that I am also capable of the act for which I am forgiving the other person.
It is almost 5 years since I gave my life Confession. It was an act of pure vulnerability and a sign of seeking wholeness in the Holy. I almost quit during the Rite. I had to ask myself if I were REALLY ready to do this: "Do you, then, forgive those who have sinned against you?" As I was kneeling, I took a deep breath. I paused wondering, am I even capable of this? This was one of those pivotal moments in my spiritual journey, and I took this leap of faith. I no longer want to bind people to me with a lack of forgiveness.
So, for my 40th birthday, I am revisiting this Rite. I am not exactly sure I know how to do this. I have become cynical of the politics involved in church. Those Priests left in my life are also my friends and mentors.
Yet, a big part of me desires to hear those words spoken again by a clergy member: "The lord has put away all your sins." Thanks be to God.