Connectedness

A couple of years ago, I took a strengths finders quiz.  Actually, I've taken it twice now.  At the top of my list of strengths is connectedness.  I seem to be able to put things together pretty quickly:  how this affects that, why we do what we do.  That sort of stuff.  I think that I've also started to branch out into personal relationships.  I'm seeing connections with people and groups.  This is a new(ish) journey for me, and I find it fascinating.

I read in one of Scott Peck's books that our ego does a great many things that are harmful to the authentic self.  One time, he said that anything that seeks to seperate us from others is our ego.  If we are humanly, lovingly connected, our ego suffers.  So people, myself included, tend to find things to cause dis-connectedness.  If our egos are threatened enough, we find a way to justify cutting someone out of our lives.

I recently sat in a Sunday School class with a bunch of Methodists I have come to have great affection for.  The verse we were studying is was a verse that hits a real sore spot with me on many different levels.  I almost excused myself from the group so that I wouldn't cause any disturbance.  I was pretty sure I was the only person in the room that felt a certain way about it, and I wanted to run away.  I was taught at my last church, that disagreeing strongly about something could be quite dangerous.  The very, very last thing I wanted to do was cause conflict.  Besides, at this point, I can't cut this church out of my life.  I'm sorta stuck there (in a good way).

So, as my ego started flaring up over this quote or this comment, I managed to quiet it a bit.  When you can sit and listen to someone with your heart, it is easy to find common ground.  I found myself engaged in a lively conversation and was expected to return next week.  Praise God!  I ended up declaring that our simply being able to have a conversation about this subject was a MIRACLE for me!

While waiting outside after class, my ego started flaring up again.  This fear of being an outcast again still rides close to the surface for me.  For the past two years, I have tried so hard to keep a very low profile.  I don't want to offend anyone or do anything that could be perceived as causing conflict.  I've tried to remain invisible, easily dismissed or ignored.  I realize now that much of this is in service to this ego of mine. 

After all of that, I had just declared a different opinion than the others.  My mind started playing the old tapes, wondering how I could avoid any further visibility.  I was trying to find a way to dis-connect myself again to protect my ego and avoid any hurt.  As I was doing this, the class facilitator walked out and hugged me, saying that was the best class they have had yet!  Wow!  I realized that I had almost let my ego seperate me from this group of people.  These old tapes, speaking from ego, were turned around quickly.  I have started playing new tapes, ones that expect love and respect.  Ones that teach me to listen with love and respect.  I cried all the way home.