Recieving

I went to a retreat last weekend. It was about the Healing journey of Caregiving. I signed up for it under the pretense of being a 'professional' caregiver (i.e. Nurse). I was excited to get a little perspective on how to stay sane in this profession. Of course, not soon after the program started, I realized I was there for my own Spiritual Journey.
Many emotions came up this day for me. I plan to write more about them later, after I have read the book. Yet, one of the main lessons I took away was how I tend to recieve things.
It is incredibly hard for me to take a compliment. It is hard for me to recieve love, affection, nurturing. I am quick to recieve criticism, abuse and blame. I can speculate why this is so hard for me, but it doesn't really matter why. This all came to light for me last week when a friend gave me a 'blog award'. I literally shut down after that. I simply didn't know what to do. The hardest part being that she is such an authentic person, I couldn't dismiss the award. I have several people whose authenticity has helped me peel away some of the layers in my life. This 'coping skill' of refusing to recieve care and love needs to go away. We talked a bit about this at the caregiver's workshop. I think this is a common malady for women. It is even more common in the caregiver's circles. We would rather give care than to recieve it.
So, my goal is to try to get better at recieving the good things in life. In a family, or even a friendship, it is essential that things flow both ways. My kids deserve a mom who recieves thier love with vigor. They have so much to give. Heck, I probably even deserve to get it.