Belonging

I met with a very wise Priest one day under the pretense of my needing to explain some things to him. Fortunately, I quickly recognized my mistake in arrogance. I took out my paper and started taking notes. I still have them somewhere, but I committed much of lessons to heart.

One of the biggest understandings I found during that talk was about belonging. He talked about what happens in community. He said that 3 things should be satisfied to attain authentic community. The first thing to be satisfied is an understanding of belonging. People must know that they belong before you can perform the next task.

In many churches, families and institutions, this task does not get accomplished. I now recognize the true wisdom of the leader that came to try to teach us about Healthy Church. He started off the day repeating, "You belong here, you belong here." I wrote that down on my notebook trying to convince myself that he was right. After 4 years in that church, I had never been given the sense of really belonging or even having a voice. At the institution I work, one of the questions in the employee survey was a simple "Do you believe that you belong here?" This institution seems to understand the importance of this task, and it gives me hope.

What happens when this task of belonging is not satisfied? My companion for that day said that it is simple, the group starts fighting for control. Gatekeepers appear to control who enters and leaves. People argue non-stop about the color of robes, sermons, hymns, rules, policies. They argue about the color of the carpet.

Where does this fight for control lead? If a a dominant force prevails, and restores apparent order people; can move into the next phase. This third phase is intimacy. If the first 2 phases have not been satisfied, this intimacy is referred to as pseudo-intimacy. This is where the concept of pseudo-community comes into play. People are bullied into behaving a certain way, or they can be labeled a scapegoat or even kicked out. I feel this phase of pseudo-intimacy is very dangerous. On the outside everything can appear perfect, but the inside is a very different story.

My lessons on belonging are many. Whenever I lead a meeting, I make a concerted effort at the beginning to have people introduce themselves and make them feel welcome. I want them to have a sincere sense of belonging. I, personally, have become wary of becoming involved in groups where the members don't have a strong sense of belonging. I don't want to get caught up in a fight for control. I see this fight as fruitless because I don't want to be bullied or become a bully.

So having my own sense of belonging with a group of people has taught me what true intimacy is. It is a safe place of being valued and nurtured. I wish everyone would be able to experience this authentic community, knowing they are loved just because they exist.