I went to a retreat last weekend. It was about the Healing journey of Caregiving. I signed up for it under the pretense of being a 'professional' caregiver (i.e. Nurse). I was excited to get a little perspective on how to stay sane in this profession. Of course, not soon after the program started, I realized I was there for my own Spiritual Journey.
Many emotions came up this day for me. I plan to write more about them later, after I have read the book. Yet, one of the main lessons I took away was how I tend to recieve things.
It is incredibly hard for me to take a compliment. It is hard for me to recieve love, affection, nurturing. I am quick to recieve criticism, abuse and blame. I can speculate why this is so hard for me, but it doesn't really matter why. This all came to light for me last week when a friend gave me a 'blog award'. I literally shut down after that. I simply didn't know what to do. The hardest part being that she is such an authentic person, I couldn't dismiss the award. I have several people whose authenticity has helped me peel away some of the layers in my life. This 'coping skill' of refusing to recieve care and love needs to go away. We talked a bit about this at the caregiver's workshop. I think this is a common malady for women. It is even more common in the caregiver's circles. We would rather give care than to recieve it.
So, my goal is to try to get better at recieving the good things in life. In a family, or even a friendship, it is essential that things flow both ways. My kids deserve a mom who recieves thier love with vigor. They have so much to give. Heck, I probably even deserve to get it.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Using my voice
So, I have started on the Toastmaster's journey. My uncle recommended it to me years ago, and I finally have a chance to attend meetings. I met with a mentor today and we started to discuss my first speech. She talked about getting nervous she said something that made so much sense to me.
When we are talking in front of people, we are asking them to trade something they will never get back: their time.
As I pondered this a bit, I started wondering what this means for me. One time, I gave a sermon at church. My talk should have lasted about 12 minutes. I spoke so fast, I ended in less than 5. Few people could understand me. I think that part of my problem was feeling worthy of their time and attention. Part of me still needed convincing that I have something valuable to say. A friend and fellow blogger has the word Voice in the title of her blog. I resonate with this, because I have struggled for so long finding that voice and learning how (and sometimes when) to use it.
For me, writing has become more comfortable than speaking out loud. There is no obligation in reading this blog, you can take it or leave it. Yet, speaking in front of people requires some attention and time from the listener. I hope to be a good steward of that time when I give this speech next month.
The most important sense I took away from our meeting was simple. She said that Toastmasters is a safe place to fail. I am grateful for knowing this. We all fail, we all make mistakes. We should all have these safe places in our lives. I look forward (with great trepidation) to using my out loud voice.
When we are talking in front of people, we are asking them to trade something they will never get back: their time.
As I pondered this a bit, I started wondering what this means for me. One time, I gave a sermon at church. My talk should have lasted about 12 minutes. I spoke so fast, I ended in less than 5. Few people could understand me. I think that part of my problem was feeling worthy of their time and attention. Part of me still needed convincing that I have something valuable to say. A friend and fellow blogger has the word Voice in the title of her blog. I resonate with this, because I have struggled for so long finding that voice and learning how (and sometimes when) to use it.
For me, writing has become more comfortable than speaking out loud. There is no obligation in reading this blog, you can take it or leave it. Yet, speaking in front of people requires some attention and time from the listener. I hope to be a good steward of that time when I give this speech next month.
The most important sense I took away from our meeting was simple. She said that Toastmasters is a safe place to fail. I am grateful for knowing this. We all fail, we all make mistakes. We should all have these safe places in our lives. I look forward (with great trepidation) to using my out loud voice.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Teaching independence
Today, I packed my two oldest kids off to camp for the week. We've come a long way from our first experience with camp several years ago. It got me to thinking.
The first time I sent my child away for a week long camp, I really struggled with it. We would not be allowed any contact with her, and I had never experienced this as a mother. What if she something happened? Is she sad? Is she scared? How will I know that she is ok?
The day after we took her, I went to a mother's meeting. I sat down and as we were introducing ourselves, I mentioned my nervousness about sending a kid to camp. The woman next to me was a former camp director! Coincidence?!?
We ended up in a great conversation where she gave me some of the greatest parenting advice I have ever gotten. "You cannot teach your children to be independent of you. Someone else has to do it." She went on to talk about camp being a safe place where kids really get to experience in finding out how life works without a parent around. Kids get to understand the consequences of their decisions, because they are completely their own. Last year Max learned what happens when you eat an entire bag of skittles. He said his tongue was sore for the entire week.
I honestly think this is one of the biggest mistakes parents make. We try to do everything for our kids and teach them the ways of the world. We want to provide for them, and grow them. Then, we have a hard time letting someone else get the 'credit' for teaching them independence. When children don't get independence from their parents, this causes all sorts of family dynamics. I think that, sometimes, this causes children to rip away from their parents in order to find their own path. This can cause a lot of hard feelings. Often, kids find unhelpful people to teach them things. At least when my kids are young, I can influence who is in their lives.
Since that conversation with a former camp director, I have searched diligently for people to help me raise my kids. We have adopted aunts and formed our own little village of people who are expected to help raise my kids. I have learned that I need all the help I can get, knowing that these kids are only with me a short time in their lives.
The first time I sent my child away for a week long camp, I really struggled with it. We would not be allowed any contact with her, and I had never experienced this as a mother. What if she something happened? Is she sad? Is she scared? How will I know that she is ok?
The day after we took her, I went to a mother's meeting. I sat down and as we were introducing ourselves, I mentioned my nervousness about sending a kid to camp. The woman next to me was a former camp director! Coincidence?!?
We ended up in a great conversation where she gave me some of the greatest parenting advice I have ever gotten. "You cannot teach your children to be independent of you. Someone else has to do it." She went on to talk about camp being a safe place where kids really get to experience in finding out how life works without a parent around. Kids get to understand the consequences of their decisions, because they are completely their own. Last year Max learned what happens when you eat an entire bag of skittles. He said his tongue was sore for the entire week.
I honestly think this is one of the biggest mistakes parents make. We try to do everything for our kids and teach them the ways of the world. We want to provide for them, and grow them. Then, we have a hard time letting someone else get the 'credit' for teaching them independence. When children don't get independence from their parents, this causes all sorts of family dynamics. I think that, sometimes, this causes children to rip away from their parents in order to find their own path. This can cause a lot of hard feelings. Often, kids find unhelpful people to teach them things. At least when my kids are young, I can influence who is in their lives.
Since that conversation with a former camp director, I have searched diligently for people to help me raise my kids. We have adopted aunts and formed our own little village of people who are expected to help raise my kids. I have learned that I need all the help I can get, knowing that these kids are only with me a short time in their lives.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Belonging
I met with a very wise Priest one day under the pretense of my needing to explain some things to him. Fortunately, I quickly recognized my mistake in arrogance. I took out my paper and started taking notes. I still have them somewhere, but I committed much of lessons to heart.
One of the biggest understandings I found during that talk was about belonging. He talked about what happens in community. He said that 3 things should be satisfied to attain authentic community. The first thing to be satisfied is an understanding of belonging. People must know that they belong before you can perform the next task.
In many churches, families and institutions, this task does not get accomplished. I now recognize the true wisdom of the leader that came to try to teach us about Healthy Church. He started off the day repeating, "You belong here, you belong here." I wrote that down on my notebook trying to convince myself that he was right. After 4 years in that church, I had never been given the sense of really belonging or even having a voice. At the institution I work, one of the questions in the employee survey was a simple "Do you believe that you belong here?" This institution seems to understand the importance of this task, and it gives me hope.
What happens when this task of belonging is not satisfied? My companion for that day said that it is simple, the group starts fighting for control. Gatekeepers appear to control who enters and leaves. People argue non-stop about the color of robes, sermons, hymns, rules, policies. They argue about the color of the carpet.
Where does this fight for control lead? If a a dominant force prevails, and restores apparent order people; can move into the next phase. This third phase is intimacy. If the first 2 phases have not been satisfied, this intimacy is referred to as pseudo-intimacy. This is where the concept of pseudo-community comes into play. People are bullied into behaving a certain way, or they can be labeled a scapegoat or even kicked out. I feel this phase of pseudo-intimacy is very dangerous. On the outside everything can appear perfect, but the inside is a very different story.
My lessons on belonging are many. Whenever I lead a meeting, I make a concerted effort at the beginning to have people introduce themselves and make them feel welcome. I want them to have a sincere sense of belonging. I, personally, have become wary of becoming involved in groups where the members don't have a strong sense of belonging. I don't want to get caught up in a fight for control. I see this fight as fruitless because I don't want to be bullied or become a bully.
So having my own sense of belonging with a group of people has taught me what true intimacy is. It is a safe place of being valued and nurtured. I wish everyone would be able to experience this authentic community, knowing they are loved just because they exist.
One of the biggest understandings I found during that talk was about belonging. He talked about what happens in community. He said that 3 things should be satisfied to attain authentic community. The first thing to be satisfied is an understanding of belonging. People must know that they belong before you can perform the next task.
In many churches, families and institutions, this task does not get accomplished. I now recognize the true wisdom of the leader that came to try to teach us about Healthy Church. He started off the day repeating, "You belong here, you belong here." I wrote that down on my notebook trying to convince myself that he was right. After 4 years in that church, I had never been given the sense of really belonging or even having a voice. At the institution I work, one of the questions in the employee survey was a simple "Do you believe that you belong here?" This institution seems to understand the importance of this task, and it gives me hope.
What happens when this task of belonging is not satisfied? My companion for that day said that it is simple, the group starts fighting for control. Gatekeepers appear to control who enters and leaves. People argue non-stop about the color of robes, sermons, hymns, rules, policies. They argue about the color of the carpet.
Where does this fight for control lead? If a a dominant force prevails, and restores apparent order people; can move into the next phase. This third phase is intimacy. If the first 2 phases have not been satisfied, this intimacy is referred to as pseudo-intimacy. This is where the concept of pseudo-community comes into play. People are bullied into behaving a certain way, or they can be labeled a scapegoat or even kicked out. I feel this phase of pseudo-intimacy is very dangerous. On the outside everything can appear perfect, but the inside is a very different story.
My lessons on belonging are many. Whenever I lead a meeting, I make a concerted effort at the beginning to have people introduce themselves and make them feel welcome. I want them to have a sincere sense of belonging. I, personally, have become wary of becoming involved in groups where the members don't have a strong sense of belonging. I don't want to get caught up in a fight for control. I see this fight as fruitless because I don't want to be bullied or become a bully.
So having my own sense of belonging with a group of people has taught me what true intimacy is. It is a safe place of being valued and nurtured. I wish everyone would be able to experience this authentic community, knowing they are loved just because they exist.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Orthodox
So my last post inspired me to talk about another subject near to my heart. A person told me that when you get two ends of the spectrum, sometimes they meet around on the other end. Sometimes, I think this is true of religion.
Just this year, I have worshiped at the following services:
Russian Orthodox Christian
Methodist
Episcopalian
Orthodox Jewish
Non-denominational services
Quaker
I also attended a Sufi retreat learning about Islam. My yoga practice is full of Hindu teachings. When I thought of this list, I wondered if I am confused, or well rounded. I suspect a little bit of both. Well, a lot of both.
I attended the Russian Orthodox service at the invitation of a friend. It was the Feast of the Nativity, their Christmas. I was very excited, and a bit nervous about the service. I've never had to cover my hair before, so I wasn't quite sure how to tie the scarf. My nervousness soon went away as I was swept in to another time and place. It was an beautiful service that lasted 2 hours. People moved around most of the service, and I never got bored. The chanting was beautiful and Communion was offered in sacred and holy way. I had never seen such eloquence in a service. I was touched by the sincerity with which they worshipped. They followed every single rule, not just the ones that they like. Therefore, I was not able to receive Communion. Yet, I was still offered bread and welcomed into their community. After the service, my friend asked me if I was still attending the Episcopal Church. I winced and told her that I had been ex-communicated. She laughed and said that had she been Episcopalian, she would have been ex-communicated too.
I left that service a bit jealous of children raised in an Orthodox home. There has to be comfort in the structure that this provides. I remember reading 'My Name is Asher Lev' in high school. This story follows a Hasid family as the child, Asher, grows into a gifted artist. This was a formative book in my childhood, and even adulthood. I later found out there was a sequel. I won't tell you what happens, because it is a great book. After reading both books, I identified with Asher's struggles with religion and even parenting.
So this is part of my story where two ends of the spectrum met up a bit with me. I have enjoyed being free to worship many different ways. I look forward to finding out where I might go next.
Just this year, I have worshiped at the following services:
Russian Orthodox Christian
Methodist
Episcopalian
Orthodox Jewish
Non-denominational services
Quaker
I also attended a Sufi retreat learning about Islam. My yoga practice is full of Hindu teachings. When I thought of this list, I wondered if I am confused, or well rounded. I suspect a little bit of both. Well, a lot of both.
I attended the Russian Orthodox service at the invitation of a friend. It was the Feast of the Nativity, their Christmas. I was very excited, and a bit nervous about the service. I've never had to cover my hair before, so I wasn't quite sure how to tie the scarf. My nervousness soon went away as I was swept in to another time and place. It was an beautiful service that lasted 2 hours. People moved around most of the service, and I never got bored. The chanting was beautiful and Communion was offered in sacred and holy way. I had never seen such eloquence in a service. I was touched by the sincerity with which they worshipped. They followed every single rule, not just the ones that they like. Therefore, I was not able to receive Communion. Yet, I was still offered bread and welcomed into their community. After the service, my friend asked me if I was still attending the Episcopal Church. I winced and told her that I had been ex-communicated. She laughed and said that had she been Episcopalian, she would have been ex-communicated too.
I left that service a bit jealous of children raised in an Orthodox home. There has to be comfort in the structure that this provides. I remember reading 'My Name is Asher Lev' in high school. This story follows a Hasid family as the child, Asher, grows into a gifted artist. This was a formative book in my childhood, and even adulthood. I later found out there was a sequel. I won't tell you what happens, because it is a great book. After reading both books, I identified with Asher's struggles with religion and even parenting.
So this is part of my story where two ends of the spectrum met up a bit with me. I have enjoyed being free to worship many different ways. I look forward to finding out where I might go next.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Direct and unmediated
Some friends of mine sent me a facebook invitation to the opening of the first Quaker Meeting house in South Carolina in over 150 years. At the last minute, I gathered my two youngest kids and took off to the other side of Columbia. I enjoy learning about worshipping in different ways. I really had no idea how different this would be.
The bulletin talked about the founder, some guy name Fox. He had anticipated problems with the Anglican church and worked to found the Quaker movement. I had to laugh because of my own experiences. During the introduction to the Quaker style of worship, the speaker talked about a 'direct and unmediated' experience of God. I was stunned by this bold statement, and most intrigued.
I grew up in traditional churches. These churches are dependent on members of the clergy to mediate the congregants experience of God. One must be ordained in order to bestow and official blessing, Baptize, bury the dead. You also must be ordained to read the Gospel in a service. I had always thought along these same lines when, one day, I made an acquaintance with a different sort of Priest. I was trying to defer to him about something holy because he had a clerical collar. He actually ROLLED HIS EYES and said "It was either go to jail, or go to the seminary!" I laughed so hard, realizing how ridiculous these relationships between the ordained and laity can become. It was after that meeting that I became much more confident about my own experiences with the Divine. Some how, I think this greatly threatens some clergy who hold on very tight to their role as go-between with God.
So, there I sat in this very plain looking church, with every day plain folks. The pews were made into a square circle in order to have people facing themselves, not an altar. There was not big fancy procession, no order of worship. We simply sat in community waiting for someone feeling the Call to talk and share a message. It was exquisite.
After the service, there was good food and even better conversation. People talked about local and national politics. It was quite relaxed and friendly. There was no talk about church politics, vestries or elections. No one was complaining about the hymns, sermon or money. There was no fighting for control because every one belonged and had a valued voice.
Last Sunday, I met some of the smartest, most thoughtful people on the planet. I spent a little time in a world where my relationship with God is direct and unmediated. I'm pretty sure I'll go back.
The bulletin talked about the founder, some guy name Fox. He had anticipated problems with the Anglican church and worked to found the Quaker movement. I had to laugh because of my own experiences. During the introduction to the Quaker style of worship, the speaker talked about a 'direct and unmediated' experience of God. I was stunned by this bold statement, and most intrigued.
I grew up in traditional churches. These churches are dependent on members of the clergy to mediate the congregants experience of God. One must be ordained in order to bestow and official blessing, Baptize, bury the dead. You also must be ordained to read the Gospel in a service. I had always thought along these same lines when, one day, I made an acquaintance with a different sort of Priest. I was trying to defer to him about something holy because he had a clerical collar. He actually ROLLED HIS EYES and said "It was either go to jail, or go to the seminary!" I laughed so hard, realizing how ridiculous these relationships between the ordained and laity can become. It was after that meeting that I became much more confident about my own experiences with the Divine. Some how, I think this greatly threatens some clergy who hold on very tight to their role as go-between with God.
So, there I sat in this very plain looking church, with every day plain folks. The pews were made into a square circle in order to have people facing themselves, not an altar. There was not big fancy procession, no order of worship. We simply sat in community waiting for someone feeling the Call to talk and share a message. It was exquisite.
After the service, there was good food and even better conversation. People talked about local and national politics. It was quite relaxed and friendly. There was no talk about church politics, vestries or elections. No one was complaining about the hymns, sermon or money. There was no fighting for control because every one belonged and had a valued voice.
Last Sunday, I met some of the smartest, most thoughtful people on the planet. I spent a little time in a world where my relationship with God is direct and unmediated. I'm pretty sure I'll go back.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Feelings
I pondered a bit about the 'darkness' of my last post. I felt the need to acknowledge this part of my life, simply because others have the same parts. In fact, I think we all do, we just may not acknowledge it. I spent some time learning about shadow. It is the Jungian concept of the unconscious. A very wise man once told me that only 10 % of our shadow is dark. The rest is golden. We tend to avoid the 90% due to fear of the dark parts.
My experience with grieving has been complicated at times. One of the speakers at the conference last week was talking about medications. She said that a person experience a great loss cannot cover those feelings with medicine. She said 'they need to feel what they are feeling.'
I will admit that it is easier, at the time, to avoid feelings. Who wants to feel sad, mad, despondent? I sure didn't, and I have spent time running away from it. I now realize that running from those feelings also causes loosing out on extreme joy, happiness and satisfaction.
There are times in my life where my heart bursts with happiness. I catch myself wondering if I am really in Heaven. I understand the saying that your greatest joy is simply your greatest pain unmasked.
I still am amazed at how the universe seems to work. I don't understand how feelings work. I am just a long for a wild and crazy ride.
My experience with grieving has been complicated at times. One of the speakers at the conference last week was talking about medications. She said that a person experience a great loss cannot cover those feelings with medicine. She said 'they need to feel what they are feeling.'
I will admit that it is easier, at the time, to avoid feelings. Who wants to feel sad, mad, despondent? I sure didn't, and I have spent time running away from it. I now realize that running from those feelings also causes loosing out on extreme joy, happiness and satisfaction.
There are times in my life where my heart bursts with happiness. I catch myself wondering if I am really in Heaven. I understand the saying that your greatest joy is simply your greatest pain unmasked.
I still am amazed at how the universe seems to work. I don't understand how feelings work. I am just a long for a wild and crazy ride.
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