Our family seems to be finding our rhythm of things. Over the past year, we have had some major ups and downs (temper tantrums are not only reserved for children). We figured out a few things, made some changes. Most of all, our ups and downs have evened out a bit. When something happens, we just seem to take it as it comes. We end a great day knowing that tomorrow could be worse. We end a bad day hoping that tomorrow will get better. There is a rhythm to life, and we seem to be enjoying it. I've even promised to start playing the guitar again! Good news, except for my neighbors who might have to listen.
I heard someone say that you really don't know who you are until you hit 40. I turn 39 this year, and I am starting to understand what she meant. I am just now starting to get to know who I am. More than that, I am starting to like who I am. Even more than that, I've found people who seem to like me just as I come. Having friends like that is all I could ever ask for. Sometimes, I realize I struck it rich with friends. Everyone should be so lucky.
I guess the biggest change in my life has come at one major realization. Life doesn't have to be so complicated! It is the little things that matter. My 5 year old likes to give kisses. His baby sister learned to say 'I love you'. My nine year old just wants to play catch (although, I need a new glove). My 14 year old just wants to know someone is listening. My husband just wants to know that I still, after all of these years, love him. I really even still like him (believe it or not!).
It almost seems that the less I try, the easier things get. I try to just accept the beauty and bounty of my life right now. I don't question it, I don't even try to understand it any more. I am just grateful. Very, very grateful.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Shadow
"The shadow also, however, can contain the divine, the luscious, beautiful, and powerful aspects of personhood. For women, especially, the shadow almost always contains very fine aspects of being that are forbidden or given little support by her culture. At the bottom of the well in the psyches of too many women lies the visionary creator, the astute truth-teller, the far-seer, the one who can speak well of herself without denigration, who can face herself without cringing, who works to perfect her craft." p. 236 of Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.
One day, I happened to be looking at the website for a convent and discovered a workshop happening on the weekend of my 35th birthday. I decided, as a gift to myself, I would get away for the weekend. It would be my first weekend away in many years, and my first one away from my then 2 year old son. Little did I know what I was getting into!
It was a workshop about Shadow. I can't remember the exact title, but it was an invitation to face our shadow, and learn to dance with it. Our shadow is made up of our unconscious part of ourselves. It is the part that holds our deepest pain, deepest fears and deepest regrets. That part of the shadow is called dark. Yet, it is only about 10 per cent of our shadow. The rest is called golden shadow. Usually, because we are afraid of the dark part, we don't spend time using our golden shadow. By doing this, we tend to loose the best part of ourselves. This quote from a book I am reading, helped me remember all of that. I made a conscious choice that weekend. I accepted the invitation to face my darkest fears. While facing them, I found a way to love myself and find healing. I found my way in this world.
One day, I happened to be looking at the website for a convent and discovered a workshop happening on the weekend of my 35th birthday. I decided, as a gift to myself, I would get away for the weekend. It would be my first weekend away in many years, and my first one away from my then 2 year old son. Little did I know what I was getting into!
It was a workshop about Shadow. I can't remember the exact title, but it was an invitation to face our shadow, and learn to dance with it. Our shadow is made up of our unconscious part of ourselves. It is the part that holds our deepest pain, deepest fears and deepest regrets. That part of the shadow is called dark. Yet, it is only about 10 per cent of our shadow. The rest is called golden shadow. Usually, because we are afraid of the dark part, we don't spend time using our golden shadow. By doing this, we tend to loose the best part of ourselves. This quote from a book I am reading, helped me remember all of that. I made a conscious choice that weekend. I accepted the invitation to face my darkest fears. While facing them, I found a way to love myself and find healing. I found my way in this world.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A ride
My 2 year old pointed to my back carrier today and asked for a ride. It has been a while since I carried her like that. She had decided that she was big enough to ride in a stroller or walk, so we started leaving the carrier behind. Yet, this afternoon, I put her up on my back with ease and we went for a walk through the woods. I snapped this picture along the way.One of the best decisions I made as a new mom (14 years ago!) was to carry my children. At first, it was quite a struggle. There were not any good carriers around, and I hadn't learned how to order things off of the Internet. Yet, with each kid, I learned a little quicker. It fit my style of mothering very well.
Eventually, each child grew their way out of carriers and being carried. Walking around with Ayla this afternoon, I realized that this part of my life is coming to an end. I am trying to embrace many of these bittersweet moments as they come along. Thus, I posed for this picture. I am trying simply to be present for and with my family. We have seen ups, downs and sideways. And we have marched along, hoping for the best, trying to make our adjustments as we go along. I am grateful for all of these moments that I have had. I have carried my kids in malls, grocery stores, churches, synagogues, subways and where ever else I have been. Now that that part of my life is coming to an end, I am even more grateful of the time that my kids spent in arms, attached to their mom.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
My Village
I had a wonderful time last night. I spent some time with 'my village'. It is a concept introduced to me a long time ago by an article in a natural parenting magazine. The author urged mothers to search for 'their village'. It was a new, provocative idea for me. I loved it, and started trying to embrace the concept. It has taken the better part of 10 years for me to feel like a real participant in my community of mothers (or even feeling a part of any community). Last night was the last straw for me. I am hopelessly, utterly and profoundly stuck with this group of women. For that, I am eternally grateful. I've written about you. I have spoken of you in a sermon. Most of all, I love you and know that you love me.
Last night, we talked a bit about how much we have all grown and changed over the years. I was able to laugh at myself, and some of the crazy things I have said and done. I heard others do the same. It was very satisfying to see that all of the 'invisible' work we have done was for a greater purpose. I read this quote this morning in a book. I think it sums it up best.
"To be seen, the uninitiated create insane things, some destructive to life to feel visible and powerful. These creations are touted as the real world. They are actually forms of untutored grief signaling a longing for the true reality of village togetherness." p. 232 of Secrets of the Talking Jaguar by Martin Prechtel
Last night, we talked a bit about how much we have all grown and changed over the years. I was able to laugh at myself, and some of the crazy things I have said and done. I heard others do the same. It was very satisfying to see that all of the 'invisible' work we have done was for a greater purpose. I read this quote this morning in a book. I think it sums it up best.
"To be seen, the uninitiated create insane things, some destructive to life to feel visible and powerful. These creations are touted as the real world. They are actually forms of untutored grief signaling a longing for the true reality of village togetherness." p. 232 of Secrets of the Talking Jaguar by Martin Prechtel
Friday, March 4, 2011
I'm hopeless
I asked a friend of mine last weekend something. I asked him why I continue to reach out to people, even after they have dismissed me. He answered. "It could be one of two reasons. You are stupid. Or your heart is in the right place."
I think that both of these are right. I am just plain stupid sometimes. I should do a better job of deciding who and when to reach out to people. More than that, I need to make sure I am doing it for the right reasons. I need to be willing to keep my guard up. I am learning that I can reach out to people, and guard myself at the same time.
On the other hand, I am starting to think that my heart might just be in the right place. I think that this is just simply a part of me that I cannot deny. I have decided to give up hope of stopping. I suspect that I will always reach out to people. I will leave the doors open. I will always have hope for Reconciliation.
Hopeless to change. This is just a part of who I am. I better start accepting it.
I think that both of these are right. I am just plain stupid sometimes. I should do a better job of deciding who and when to reach out to people. More than that, I need to make sure I am doing it for the right reasons. I need to be willing to keep my guard up. I am learning that I can reach out to people, and guard myself at the same time.
On the other hand, I am starting to think that my heart might just be in the right place. I think that this is just simply a part of me that I cannot deny. I have decided to give up hope of stopping. I suspect that I will always reach out to people. I will leave the doors open. I will always have hope for Reconciliation.
Hopeless to change. This is just a part of who I am. I better start accepting it.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
A question
It was a very simple question, mixed into a conversation. "How's your prayer life?" Ouch. "Not so good." was the answer. I admitted that I have gotten bogged down in so many different things, that I have neglected my prayers.
My grandmother would pray continuously during the day. I would find her sitting with her eyes closed, thinking she was asleep. She would open them and just say she was praying. My great-aunt came to stay with us one night. She left her notebook there by accident. It was a notebook with the names of all of the people she prayed for at night. I realized my name was in it, and I was overcome. She was praying for me, my husband and our child every night.
I remember one of the saddest moments I could recall. My grandmother had died 2 days before, and I was going to take my final exam for nursing. I was a wreck with all of the stress and realized how much I had come to rely on being able to call my grandmother and ask her to pray for me. I felt so alone knowing she was not around to answer that phone call. It was then that I realized that I needed to start learning to pray for myself.
I keep wondering what this Lent will bring for me. I think that bringing back a steady and intentional prayer life is a must. I've never been one to pray publicly. I have never felt comfortable praying out loud with anybody. Recently, a friend asked me to pray with him, and I went a long way out of my comfort zone. It was a very sweet experience for me, and I am glad he asked.
I am grateful for people who are willing to nudge me with questions. I am grateful for people who help me grow out of my comfort zone. I am looking forward to a trip to see a Spiritual Director this weekend. I am also going on a Lenten retreat. I am hoping to slow down, remember my prayer life and embrace all of the blessings of my life. I grew up with the generations before me offering prayers for me and my family. To them, I am most grateful.
My grandmother would pray continuously during the day. I would find her sitting with her eyes closed, thinking she was asleep. She would open them and just say she was praying. My great-aunt came to stay with us one night. She left her notebook there by accident. It was a notebook with the names of all of the people she prayed for at night. I realized my name was in it, and I was overcome. She was praying for me, my husband and our child every night.
I remember one of the saddest moments I could recall. My grandmother had died 2 days before, and I was going to take my final exam for nursing. I was a wreck with all of the stress and realized how much I had come to rely on being able to call my grandmother and ask her to pray for me. I felt so alone knowing she was not around to answer that phone call. It was then that I realized that I needed to start learning to pray for myself.
I keep wondering what this Lent will bring for me. I think that bringing back a steady and intentional prayer life is a must. I've never been one to pray publicly. I have never felt comfortable praying out loud with anybody. Recently, a friend asked me to pray with him, and I went a long way out of my comfort zone. It was a very sweet experience for me, and I am glad he asked.
I am grateful for people who are willing to nudge me with questions. I am grateful for people who help me grow out of my comfort zone. I am looking forward to a trip to see a Spiritual Director this weekend. I am also going on a Lenten retreat. I am hoping to slow down, remember my prayer life and embrace all of the blessings of my life. I grew up with the generations before me offering prayers for me and my family. To them, I am most grateful.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Forgiveness
Forgive me as I ramble a bit in this blog. I have something in my head that I am trying to get on the outside, and I am hoping that it make sense to someone.
I sat down with a counselor last summer to process a 'critical incident'. It was a chance to move on from a particularly hurtful scene that happened early in my nursing career. After our talk, she mailed me 2 (not one), but 2 books on forgiveness. I have only read one. I plan to read the other one for Lent. It seems to be such a very simple thing to do, forgive someone. Yet, I am beginning to think that it is one of the most misunderstood things in the world. And I think the reason it is so misunderstood is simply a lack of awareness. We are not always aware of how we hurt others. Even worse, we are not always aware of how someone has hurt us. That leads to a series of unconsciously hurting each other back. We don't always realize that we do something, just to hurt the other person back. It becomes a series of justification of actions. Justifying our actions keeps us from being accountable to them.
So how do we be accountable for our actions?
First, we need to be aware of what we are doing. We also need to be aware of how we are affecting other people. When we have hurt the other person, we need to say "I'm sorry." We may even have to ask for forgiveness. This doesn't mean that we should feel terrible. It simply means we made a mistake, and there were unintended consequences.
I remember, very distinctly, a pivotal point in my mothering. I was exasperated with our oldest. I was tired, working nights and absolutely miserable. She wouldn't do something that I wanted her to do, and I yelled at her. She looked at me with hurt in her eyes. I stopped to look at the hurt. At first, I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to acknowledge that I could hurt my own child that much. I didn't want to acknowledge that part of me existed. After a few minutes, I went and apologized. I asked for forgiveness and went into work that night. I quit that job that night and decided to move onto other things in my life. It was a very, very good decision for me. That was a big lesson in my life. I needed to move into a state of forgiveness with my children. I needed to be willing to face my own ability to do harm and to be harmed. Most importantly, I have all too human limitations.
A couple of weeks ago, Oprah was talking about forgiveness. She said "Forgiving is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." It is simply a way of moving forward. Unfortunately, I think the human side of us keeps us wanting to stay in the same place. Moving forward is unknown and probably uncomfortable. Plus, forgiveness is an ongoing process. In our most important relationships, we should always be looking for, and giving forgiveness. Sometimes we have to do it over and over. Sometimes, we might even get it right and heal a hurt. Most importantly, we may even get to a place of being able to forgive ourselves. We may start living a life of someone who realizes that everyone makes mistakes.
I sat down with a counselor last summer to process a 'critical incident'. It was a chance to move on from a particularly hurtful scene that happened early in my nursing career. After our talk, she mailed me 2 (not one), but 2 books on forgiveness. I have only read one. I plan to read the other one for Lent. It seems to be such a very simple thing to do, forgive someone. Yet, I am beginning to think that it is one of the most misunderstood things in the world. And I think the reason it is so misunderstood is simply a lack of awareness. We are not always aware of how we hurt others. Even worse, we are not always aware of how someone has hurt us. That leads to a series of unconsciously hurting each other back. We don't always realize that we do something, just to hurt the other person back. It becomes a series of justification of actions. Justifying our actions keeps us from being accountable to them.
So how do we be accountable for our actions?
First, we need to be aware of what we are doing. We also need to be aware of how we are affecting other people. When we have hurt the other person, we need to say "I'm sorry." We may even have to ask for forgiveness. This doesn't mean that we should feel terrible. It simply means we made a mistake, and there were unintended consequences.
I remember, very distinctly, a pivotal point in my mothering. I was exasperated with our oldest. I was tired, working nights and absolutely miserable. She wouldn't do something that I wanted her to do, and I yelled at her. She looked at me with hurt in her eyes. I stopped to look at the hurt. At first, I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to acknowledge that I could hurt my own child that much. I didn't want to acknowledge that part of me existed. After a few minutes, I went and apologized. I asked for forgiveness and went into work that night. I quit that job that night and decided to move onto other things in my life. It was a very, very good decision for me. That was a big lesson in my life. I needed to move into a state of forgiveness with my children. I needed to be willing to face my own ability to do harm and to be harmed. Most importantly, I have all too human limitations.
A couple of weeks ago, Oprah was talking about forgiveness. She said "Forgiving is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." It is simply a way of moving forward. Unfortunately, I think the human side of us keeps us wanting to stay in the same place. Moving forward is unknown and probably uncomfortable. Plus, forgiveness is an ongoing process. In our most important relationships, we should always be looking for, and giving forgiveness. Sometimes we have to do it over and over. Sometimes, we might even get it right and heal a hurt. Most importantly, we may even get to a place of being able to forgive ourselves. We may start living a life of someone who realizes that everyone makes mistakes.
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