Grief

One of my first big steps into self-reflection was a Retreat at my favorite Convent.  It was on my 35th birthday, and I didn't even care what it was about.  I was telling my therapist about this so-called "Shadow" retreat, and she told me something.  "I think part of your Shadow is Grief."

I remember being very upset about her idea.  Of course, I was paying her a great deal of money to give me an expert opinion on things, but that didn't matter.  I just wanted to get away for a weekend.  Of course, I walked into something far different.  What I found was a gift.  It was a gift of understanding a large part of my unconscious.  It was those things that I kept out of my conscious life because I didn't want to deal with them.  The lesson that I got that weekend was simple:  just because we don't consciously think about something, doesn't mean that it doesn't affect us or those around us.

I remember being in my teens when my grandmother and her sisters started telling a story about "Little Alexander".  I remember my mother's shock when she realized I had never heard the story.  It is a mournful story, and I should probably tell it, but I'll wait until another time.  The story was about my grandmother's littlest sibling being killed in a car accident.  'Little Alexander' was named for his father and a much loved baby of the family.  His death was one that caused great grief and remorse for my family.  As I understand it, his mother was never allowed to say his name after the funeral.  The family struggled greatly in their grief.  Instead of talking and mourning, they pushed it to an unconscious part of themselves.  They pushed it away.

I think we all do this.  When something is too hard to bear, we distance ourselves from it.  I remember pushing away my grief at a young age.  I was expected to comfort my parents in their grief, and that left little room for me to explore my own.  In many ways, I think my parents were carrying their own parent's grief.  It makes me wonder who carried the grief of my great-grandmother.  She was a woman who wasn't allowed to grieve the death of her child.  Did she have to push it onto her children?  Did it get caught in the unconscious of our family?  Is this where I came upon my own Shadow of Grief?

Grief is a slippery thing.  It is something that we cannot really hold in one place.  Sometimes, we grieve for a tangible loss.  Sometimes, we grieve for what could have been.  For me, at least, grieving touches many things in my life.  It slips around, and isn't well contained. 

Last week, I was faced with grieving a friend's death.  I decided to attempt to face my grief with courage and compassion upon myself.  I had forgotten how difficult this is, and it had brought me to my knees.  I am blessed with a family who has been understanding and friends who have prayed with me.  I feel my strength returning, maybe even growing. 

Since my shadow workshop, I have managed to avoid pushing things away.  I've learned not to be afraid of things.  I don't need to push them away.  Facing our fears, our remorse, our grief is important.  It helps us to keep from pushing things away.  It can also keep us from pushing it onto others.  When a mother looses a child, someone has to do the work of grieving.  Someone, anyone....