Worthy

"Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word and deed, by what we have done and by what we have left undone.  We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves."
Book of Common Prayer p.361

This is from the Episcopal service.  It is an example of what Christians are expected to say before receiving communion.  I remember as a child, sitting in the Lutheran church saying similar things. Every Sunday, the Pastor or Sunday school teachers would talk about Sin.  They would talk about how much Jesus did for us, and we just are not thankful enough.  I went every Sunday because I was raised that way.  If you were not on your death bed, you were in church.  My great-grandmother and cousins all wore pins that showed how many years they had gone without missing a single Sunday.
So I did as I was raised.  I sat in a pew every Sunday and listened to how unworthy I was.  I also found that message at home and at school.
God became this judgemental, scolding force in my life.  And I, well, became a bit defiant.  When I sat in that pew, I also thought about all of the good things I had done that week.  I thought about the kindness I gave others.  I thought about the elderly woman I helped take care of.  I thought of the honesty with which I led my life.  I was not capable of lying to others.  Well, I was also not capable of lying to God.  I would have this internal conversation sitting in a pew.  I wonder what the other 8,9 or 10 year olds were doing.
This Advent, I have spent a great deal of time pondering a few things.  This concept of worthiness is one of them.  I wonder why some denominations have placed such an emphasis in convincing people that they are not worthy.  In my saga of ex-communication, I was told I was not worthy to take communion.  I was told that I must receive 'psychological testing'.  I had worshipped with felons, addicts, accused child molesters, divorced parents and abusive spouses.  Yet, they were worthy. Again, I heard the message that I was not. Why?
The scripture reading yesterday was of the woman caught in the very act of adultery.  The church officials had bought the woman to Jesus to test him.  His response was what Christianity is based on 'He who is without sin can cast the first stone.'  I wish Jesus Incarnate had been present at my trial.  I suspect things would have ended differently.  However, the Holy Spirit was.  During this time in my life, I found that defiant place deep down inside of me.  I found that place that said I am a child of God, made worthy by Love.
I think that churches use this tool of shame to control the people that attend.  Shame is very powerful and used to convince us that we are not worthy.  It us used to convince us that we need a Priest/Pastor to tell us that we are.  I also remember that part of my childhood very strongly.  After having this internal conversation with God, I longed for that answer from the Pastor that said I was forgiven for being human.  I was forgiven for all of the mistakes I had made that week.  It helped soften the judgemental white bearded image I had been given.

"Almighty God have mercy on you, forgive you all your sins through our Lord Jesus Christ, strengthen you in all goodness, and by the power of the Holy Spirit keep you in eternal live.  Amen."
Book of Common Prayer p. 360

So, I continue this struggle to claim my birthright of being a worthy, loved human being.  I struggle to live this myself, because I want to show this to my children.  I feel very strongly that if we all feel and behave as if we are worthy of love and forgiveness, we would treat people very differently.  I had a very, very wise Priest once tell me that the very first step in Christianity is to accept the role of Beloved.
I will confess that, on some level, I accepted this role a long time ago.  If not, I would not have been able to have that conversation in the pew.  I would have not been defiant of a system that sought to control me with shame.  I would not have been able to look at a bishop in the eye and say "That is not true."
In fact, if I hadn't accepted that role, I would have spent my parenting career convincing my children that they are unworthy.  That would be a tragedy.