This was the beginning of a post by a Bishop on facebook. He was talking about entering into a new church and putting on his name tag. It is something we should all be able to do, and not just with a new group of people.
I was lamenting to my spiritual director about loosing a friend. I said "I thought I knew her." The director's response surprised me. (I'm paraphrasing) "You did know her in that moment, but people are constantly changing. In fact, you are both changing. How you know someone depends on many things, including your own growth."
I think this is one of my most frustrating challenges in life. I've been attached to people who think they know me. It is as if I am a painting that never changes. This translates into an even bigger problem when you get stuck within this system. This is how I know you, therefore this is who you are. This is particularly dangerous, because you can end up believing them.
As I have traveled down this winding path, I've made a sincere effort to see people fresh. I've tried to be secure enough to keep from insisting a person be who I need them to be. This can be de-stabilizing in many ways, because it challenges me to change my own perspective. It challenges me to let people introduce themselves and learn about them. I challenges me to silence the tapes in my head and really hear the other person.
I've come to accept that there are people in this world, in my family and in my community who will only see in me what they want to. They are not capable of challenging their own perceptions of things. They are not willing to spend time being unstable, of embracing change.
Recently, a friend from my college days commented about being proud of the woman I am becoming. This is, in many ways, is quite satisfying to me. I love the fact that I am able to re-introduce myself over and over to people who care about me.
For those people who insist on maintaining their built-in beliefs about me, I just keep remembering a song. It is, of course, by Alanis Morisette.
"One day I'll introduce myself, because you've not yet met me."
Wouldn't it be nice if we could all put on our name tags and introduce ourselves to each other?
Hello, my name is Melissa. This is my story.
How I see myself is often different from how other people see me. My thoughts are clear in my head but become jumbled as I express them. My motives are pure to me but confused to others. My behaviors are loving and gentle in my eyes but can be seen as aloof. Others often see me as better than I am, too. My mind is less sharp to me than to others. My friendship is less coherent in my eyes than in others.
ReplyDeleteSo, it is not just that you change, it is not just that other people change, it is not just that your perspective changes. In addition, how your personality leaks out of you also changes.