Repentance

A definition of Repentance found in the Episcopal Watchman, volume 2. Hartford, June 28, 1828.

"The word Repentance, in the original, signifies "a change or alteration of the mind, so as to influence one's subsequent conduct and behaviour for the better." It implies a conversion from sin to God; "not a single act or change, but a lasting, durable state of new life." "

Another definition:

1 : to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life
2 a : to feel regret or contrition b : to change one's mind

So, if one is Repentant, they take a very big turn in their life. It is not just 'I'm sorry'. It is action which, with God's help, can change one's life. I think that, perhaps, it can change the lives of all involved.

I sat explaining my recent experiences at church to a trusted friend. I, honestly, was afraid that she would judge me for going back to the same church. Instead, she seemed proud of me in explaining that I had repented when I left. It has taken me several weeks to start to understand this. I am beginning to realize that I might have created a 'lasting durable state of a new life'.

Repentance is harder than I ever could have imagined. I have spent a great deal of time and energy understanding my part in the issues at my church. I have also tried to express my regret and accountability. I worked very hard to try to show that I changed, and learned from my mistakes. Unfortunately, some people are not able to listen. Some people don't want to acknowledge this kind of growth in other people, because it threatens their perception of things. That is where my frustration reached the point of no return, and I left.

Fortunately, some people opened their eyes. Fortunately, some people kept after me. Fortunately, some people would not let me hide myself in this frustration. Fortunately, some people loved me enough for me to be able to see that love. A single act by a man at our church changed my life forever. He sat with me, imploring us to return to church. He understood our pain and frustration. He cried with me. Cried. He helped me see that we have a part to play in the healing of our church. He led our family back home. He joined us in an act of Repentance for all of the hurt at our church.

I have a new lease on life right now. I have found God incarnate in the words and actions of others at our church. I have experienced that Healing force of Repentance in a way I never thought possible. I never, ever, expected the act of walking away would become an act of Repentance. An act that helped turn me towards God and away from sin.

This is a crazy journey I am on right now. I don't get to understand all of it. I just keep showing up and trying to trust God to find me. For now, I will allow myself a moment of satisfaction. I get a glimpse of knowing that, every once in a while, I might be gaining an understanding of who I am in relationship to God. Repentance. Who would have thought it?