Repentance

A definition of Repentance found in the Episcopal Watchman, volume 2. Hartford, June 28, 1828.

"The word Repentance, in the original, signifies "a change or alteration of the mind, so as to influence one's subsequent conduct and behaviour for the better." It implies a conversion from sin to God; "not a single act or change, but a lasting, durable state of new life." "

Another definition:

1 : to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life
2 a : to feel regret or contrition b : to change one's mind

So, if one is Repentant, they take a very big turn in their life. It is not just 'I'm sorry'. It is action which, with God's help, can change one's life. I think that, perhaps, it can change the lives of all involved.

I sat explaining my recent experiences at church to a trusted friend. I, honestly, was afraid that she would judge me for going back to the same church. Instead, she seemed proud of me in explaining that I had repented when I left. It has taken me several weeks to start to understand this. I am beginning to realize that I might have created a 'lasting durable state of a new life'.

Repentance is harder than I ever could have imagined. I have spent a great deal of time and energy understanding my part in the issues at my church. I have also tried to express my regret and accountability. I worked very hard to try to show that I changed, and learned from my mistakes. Unfortunately, some people are not able to listen. Some people don't want to acknowledge this kind of growth in other people, because it threatens their perception of things. That is where my frustration reached the point of no return, and I left.

Fortunately, some people opened their eyes. Fortunately, some people kept after me. Fortunately, some people would not let me hide myself in this frustration. Fortunately, some people loved me enough for me to be able to see that love. A single act by a man at our church changed my life forever. He sat with me, imploring us to return to church. He understood our pain and frustration. He cried with me. Cried. He helped me see that we have a part to play in the healing of our church. He led our family back home. He joined us in an act of Repentance for all of the hurt at our church.

I have a new lease on life right now. I have found God incarnate in the words and actions of others at our church. I have experienced that Healing force of Repentance in a way I never thought possible. I never, ever, expected the act of walking away would become an act of Repentance. An act that helped turn me towards God and away from sin.

This is a crazy journey I am on right now. I don't get to understand all of it. I just keep showing up and trying to trust God to find me. For now, I will allow myself a moment of satisfaction. I get a glimpse of knowing that, every once in a while, I might be gaining an understanding of who I am in relationship to God. Repentance. Who would have thought it?

Watch your tone!

I had an earlier post about "You Hypocrites!" I had started the post with the pretext that Jesus is yelling to those in authority. I sat with a Spiritual Director last weekend and she brought up this exact story. Although, her voice had a very different tone. Her tone was one of a loving Jesus beseeching people to see how they had strayed. Her voice was lowered, full of emotion and without judgement. She said that since Jesus embodied Love, he would have said everything in a loving matter. He needed to be able to be heard in Love.
I think this is one of my personal battles. I tend to get so animated, so passionate, so whatever, that people think that I am angry and judgemental. Instead of being heard in love, I make people defensive. Ugh! I guess I get to take, yet another, hard look at myself. No wonder I feel like one of the most misunderstood people on the face of the earth.
So, I guess Jesus must have mastered the ability to convey Love not only in his words, but in his tone. He was able to do this while challenging people to live fully into God's Love. He did it with simple sermons, simple parables and simple wisdom. He did it in a way that transformed those around him. He did it in a way that spread Love.
The Spiritual Director I saw last weekend convicted me on a couple of things. She conveyed her observations in such a loving manner, I heard it in love. She set the example that was set by Christ. I pray that I learn how to follow this example with my children, family and friends. I pray that I find the patience and words to convey not only my love to them, but also God's love.

The Lost Sheep

Matthew 15: 3-7
"So he told them this parable: What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and with his neighbors saying to them, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost."

There are many times in my life I have felt like the lost sheep. Right now is one of them. I had resigned myself to wandering about, trying to find another flock. I did not expect anyone to come after me. I recognize this as just one more sign of false leadership in our church. Yet, somehow my expectations were proved to be false. I have had several of the laity to reach out to us and ask us to come back. I have had friends make efforts to stay in touch. I am beginning to realize that my perception of who the leaders are is wrong. Authentic leaders do go after the one which is lost.
"Scripture does not just describe false leadership; it also highlights what true leadership is all about. Earlier, in the Jeremiah 23 passage, we read of God's condemnation of false shepherds in verses 1 and 2. If we go on to read verse 4, it explains what good shepards are supposed to do: "'I will place shepards over them who will tend them, and they will no longer be afraid or terrified, nor will any be missing,' declares the Lord." True shepherds care for their flocks. They keep them safe and secure. They go after any who stray." p. 142 Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse
This makes perfect sense to me! Any time I have felt utterly lost, someone, somewhere found me! It just wasn't necessarily who I had expected. Sometimes, I think it was simply God who found me. Since I was all by myself, it gave us a little one on one time. Right now, I feel a little bit like I am on the shoulders of the Great Shepard. God seems to be rejoicing with me. Me?!?
Tomorrow, we will return home to our church. We return with the confidence that comes with being wanted and welcome. Our eyes remain wide open to the burden of trying to move with this parish in a healthy direction. Yet, I remain hopeful. Hopeful that the nudge I feel, impelling me towards our home church, is for good.