One of the biggest mistakes I make in my life is in defending myself. Sometimes, I do it to my own detriment. Sometimes, I do it to the point of ruining relationships. Sometimes, I will defend myself to the death! It could be my death, or theirs, I don't care. I've been doing this most of my life. I think that it got me through some really hard times as a kid, teenager and young adult. There were so many times in my life where I really felt like it was me against the world. Sometimes that feeling overwhelms my adult sense of myself, and I find myself right back to defending myself at all costs.
At least I am starting to realize the pattern involved with this defense. It seems to happen in relationships, or situations, where I feel like I simply don't matter. The good news for me, these relationships and situations seem to be getting fewer and further between. I've managed, over the past several years, to make some of the best friends anyone could ever imagine. I have friendships that go far beyond the superficial. They are lasting, time tested, authentic relationships. I get to trust these, and not have to defend myself.
Hopefully, I will start learning the art of asserting myself, and loose the defensiveness. Hopefully, I will learn the art of being a 'compassionate disruptor' instead of simply being a provoker. Hopefully, I will learn how to move forward, without being held hostage to the past. Hopefully, I will find ways to continue growing and making room for others to grow also.
About a year ago, I went to church with a friend of mine. She is a gray-headed, self proclaimed, 'old lady'. She took me to a high church, complete with Icons, incense and Holy Water. On a lark, I went to kneel before the statue of Mary. As I knelt, a prayer washed over me in words I cannot explain. The words faded out at the end, leaving me with a paradox that I don't completely understand. It went something like this: "Oh Mary, Mother of God, give me the strength to give that which I have not received in/of this world."
I have spent many hours meditating on this prayer, wondering what it meant for me in this life. With this season of Advent, I realize that I have soooooo much more work to do in preparing myself for the coming of the Christ child. I have failed in so many tasks over the past year. I have slipped too far into defending myself, trying to prove that which I have received in this world. It is time that I start giving that which has come to me through the love others. My struggles continue, I suspect they always will. It has been a hard year. I have said goodbye to 3 very good friends. Two of them moved away, one passed away. I also seem to have grown away from some friends, while renewing old friendships along the way. I have also tried to refocus on those relationships closest to me, especially those with whom I share my living space. I have far more than I could possibly deserve.
So this post rambles on for a bit. I publish it in the hopes that it helps me to hold myself accountable. I have enjoyed going back and reading what I have written, realizing how naive some posts are, how silly some are. Some even make a little bit of sense. Any way, I keep writing, keep reaching out, keep trying to live up to what is being asked of me. Amen.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Face it square
I was watching the Walton's the other day with my kids. I love the show and the sense of real community that family has. One scene showed me how important it is to have elders around.
Jason's friend found out he was dying from Leukemia. Jason refused to speak to the friend after he found out. He even avoided looking at his friend. Finally, his grandpa confronted him. He sat, tenderly, with Jason on his bed. He told him, "You'll hate yourself if you don't face it square." At first, I thought he was talking about facing his dying friend. So, I rewound it to listen to it again. Grandpa was inviting Jason to face his grief.
You see, Jason had gotten all mixed up. He was overwhelmed with emotions, and didn't know how to deal with them. The easiest way for him to deal with his own sense of vulnerability was to avoid the person who reminded him of it. So, he missed some valuable time with that friend. It is a real shame to miss time with a good friend.
Fortunately for Jason, he had someone willing to confront him. Jason saw it as a gift, and let his grief out. He cried in the arms of his grandpa, and went to visit his friend.
Jason's friend found out he was dying from Leukemia. Jason refused to speak to the friend after he found out. He even avoided looking at his friend. Finally, his grandpa confronted him. He sat, tenderly, with Jason on his bed. He told him, "You'll hate yourself if you don't face it square." At first, I thought he was talking about facing his dying friend. So, I rewound it to listen to it again. Grandpa was inviting Jason to face his grief.
You see, Jason had gotten all mixed up. He was overwhelmed with emotions, and didn't know how to deal with them. The easiest way for him to deal with his own sense of vulnerability was to avoid the person who reminded him of it. So, he missed some valuable time with that friend. It is a real shame to miss time with a good friend.
Fortunately for Jason, he had someone willing to confront him. Jason saw it as a gift, and let his grief out. He cried in the arms of his grandpa, and went to visit his friend.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
A call
There are people who come into your life who are able to see the bigger picture. They see beyond what is really going on and can help you through a really tough time. I remember such a moment in my life, and I didn't realize at the time what a gift I had been given.
In college, I volunteered at a rescue squad. My second call as a basic EMT found me on the interstate in the middle of a huge car accident. I was alone out there with a driver. Being the only certified EMT on scene, I was in charge of triaging the patients. I was not prepared for what I was being asked to do. I literally had to step over patients to go account for everybody and communicate the need for resources. I found one patient had died, but was not willing to pronounce him dead. I just didn't feel like I could. Who wants that responsibility?
After 2 different extrications and 3 trauma patients and couple of other patients, we finally made it to the ER. While walking back out to the ambulance, I started looking for a place to vomit. I didn't know what else to do. This call had overwhelmed my ability to cope. I wobbled along, feeling like a total failure. It was then that my rescue squad chief caught me. He grabbed me and looked me dead in the eye. "You did good, don't worry about a thing. Next time, go ahead and pronounce the patient dead. You have to be able to do that. Other than that, you did good."
It was truly a moment in my life where I could have gone either way. I think if he hadn't spoken to me in that moment, I would have never set foot on an ambulance again. He saved me with a few simple words.
I realize, now, how much strength I have drawn from having someone I respect give me honest, heartfelt support. I have been able to face many challenges in my life with the confidence knowing that I had faced a pretty awful scene, and come out if it with the words "You did good."
Leadership is one of the most underrated forms of service in this world. It is rare that you come across leaders who are willing to see the bigger picture and make sure everyone is taken care of. The chief always wanted the patient taken care of, and he went the extra mile in taking care of the rescue workers. His vision for making his community a better place served all sorts of people. He even served this smart-mouthed college kid. I can't imagine where I would be in life without him. I wish I had listened to his words better, and I wish I had showed him more respect. I guess it is one of those things in life where you don't realize what a gift is until much later. You need to be older and wiser to see it. And then when you do realize it, you forget to go back and thank the person. Life is busy and full of other things to take care of. Now, I look at my life. I spent 5 years on the road as a paramedic, and now work in the Emergency Department as a nurse. I have also worked on 2 different programs to help first line responders with critical incident stress management. I've done my best to honor that gift given to me so long ago. A gift given to me by a very, very special man. Thanks, Ron, I will always be in your debt.
In college, I volunteered at a rescue squad. My second call as a basic EMT found me on the interstate in the middle of a huge car accident. I was alone out there with a driver. Being the only certified EMT on scene, I was in charge of triaging the patients. I was not prepared for what I was being asked to do. I literally had to step over patients to go account for everybody and communicate the need for resources. I found one patient had died, but was not willing to pronounce him dead. I just didn't feel like I could. Who wants that responsibility?
After 2 different extrications and 3 trauma patients and couple of other patients, we finally made it to the ER. While walking back out to the ambulance, I started looking for a place to vomit. I didn't know what else to do. This call had overwhelmed my ability to cope. I wobbled along, feeling like a total failure. It was then that my rescue squad chief caught me. He grabbed me and looked me dead in the eye. "You did good, don't worry about a thing. Next time, go ahead and pronounce the patient dead. You have to be able to do that. Other than that, you did good."
It was truly a moment in my life where I could have gone either way. I think if he hadn't spoken to me in that moment, I would have never set foot on an ambulance again. He saved me with a few simple words.
I realize, now, how much strength I have drawn from having someone I respect give me honest, heartfelt support. I have been able to face many challenges in my life with the confidence knowing that I had faced a pretty awful scene, and come out if it with the words "You did good."
Leadership is one of the most underrated forms of service in this world. It is rare that you come across leaders who are willing to see the bigger picture and make sure everyone is taken care of. The chief always wanted the patient taken care of, and he went the extra mile in taking care of the rescue workers. His vision for making his community a better place served all sorts of people. He even served this smart-mouthed college kid. I can't imagine where I would be in life without him. I wish I had listened to his words better, and I wish I had showed him more respect. I guess it is one of those things in life where you don't realize what a gift is until much later. You need to be older and wiser to see it. And then when you do realize it, you forget to go back and thank the person. Life is busy and full of other things to take care of. Now, I look at my life. I spent 5 years on the road as a paramedic, and now work in the Emergency Department as a nurse. I have also worked on 2 different programs to help first line responders with critical incident stress management. I've done my best to honor that gift given to me so long ago. A gift given to me by a very, very special man. Thanks, Ron, I will always be in your debt.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Preachin'
This is the address that I gave at our church on 11/7/2010
The Gospel reading was Luke 6:20-31
For many months now, our church has been in a corporate discernment process. We used the Healthy Church initiative to help us discern the call for this Parish. During that process we came up with the words of the core values and mission statement. Our core values are:
Providing worship experience based in liturgical tradition
Forming Community
And Equipping for ministry.
When I think back on the reasons our family joined St. Alban’s several years ago, I can honestly say that these words described what we were looking for in a church, most especially the part about community. After I had my first child, I found a playgroup to join. We were a bunch of mothers, joined by a common parenting belief. We met once a week at a park and let the kids play while we talked. We soon realized that the real value of the play date was not for the kids, it was a place where we mothers could talk about our struggles raising children. We soon began to wrestle with the some bigger questions of life, including our own identities. We, slowly, over several years, built a very strong, intimate community of women. It was that same sense of community that helped fuel our search for a church community in which our children would be raised. When we first came here, I will admit to you that I was very hesitant about identifying myself as a Christian. I had spent my entire life being hit over the head with doctrines, creeds and statements of judgment. I was struggling to find a true understanding of what it meant to be a Christian. One of the first services I attended here, was the Good Friday Liturgy. I had never attended the Episcopal version of it, I was raised Lutheran and I knew most of the words being used, but the actions were much different. Because I had a baby in my lap, I could not hold a bulletin to read along, so I sat and watched the action at the altar with intense curiosity. I had never experienced a ‘reverencing of the cross,’ so I was quite surprised when Father Maltby walked over, picked up a wooden cross, carried it back to the altar and held it above him. When he turned his face upward in a picture of pure love and adoration, something cracked open inside of me. It was at that moment that I decided there might be something to becoming a follow of Christ.
At the time, it seems like a very simple sort of change. I would later discover that it was just a beginning of a life long journey of discovering who I am as a child of God and a Christian. I decided to dive head first into this Liturgical Tradition. I found the Christian Mystics, Saints and a depth of theology I had not expected. I started finding my spiritual community which was extended to include Nuns, Spiritual Directors, Healers, Brothers and Sisters found in the Baptismal covenant. I found the words of a covenant which challenged ‘Will you seek and serve Christ in all persons, loving your neighbor as yourself?’ I decided to accept those words at my confirmation here, knowing that I would fail miserably every single day for the rest of my life, yet knowing that that was no excuse not to try.
During this intense period of change, I also experienced some of the darkest days of my life. Yet, I rested in the knowledge that I could spend every Sunday with people who had also spoken the words of the Baptismal Covenant which asks us ‘Will you continue in the Apostle’s teaching and fellowship, in the breaking of the bread and in the prayers.’ One Sunday, I was so incredibly angry, that I refused to say any of the Psalm or prayers. Yet, at the time for communion, I overcame my own hurt and went to the rail to receive. After the service, I went to apologize to Mother Humbert, afraid that I had broken some sort of rule. He answer was simple, yet profound. “That’s ok, you community said the prayers for you.” The simple act of going to receive communion became my confession. It was my confession that I cannot give everything to myself. In fact, I would come to understand that nothing I do is truly by myself.
The words we speak are so important, yet it is with words and actions combined that we are able to transform people and communities. Jesus speaks the words of blessing in this passage from Luke. They are beautiful words, yet they are only words until you have experienced them. For in the years that I have been here at this church, I have come here poor, and been blessed by you. I have come hungry and been filled by you. I have wept among you, resting in the expectation that I would also laugh with you. Jesus goes on to tell us that we should expect to be hated, excluded, reviled and defamed on his account. Yet, our reward will be great in heaven. Loving people who don’t want to be loved is his challenge. It is our challenge as his followers. Jesus tells us to bless those who curse us and pray for those who abuse us. I think he knew that when we curse or abuse each other it is because we have forgotten how to love ourselves. He wants us to give them our shirt and our other cheek in these actions which remind us that we are to love one another.
In this spiritual journey of mine, I have managed to find people who did love me when I lashed out. They loved me when I didn‘t. I managed to fall into the hands of healers who helped me accept the healing needed for me to learn how to love myself. I believe that it is the act of truly loving ourselves that we are able to spill that love over to others. Even our enemies.
When we can match our words with our actions, we become Stewards, or agents of God. Being a steward is what you *do* after you *say* yes. In this Healthy Church Initiative, we have given this community words to work with. Now it is our turn as a congregation to give these words skin and bones. It is the call of this church to build the structure to receive each and every offer of a gift. We should receive each person, separate from their roles, vestments, jobs or ministries. We must value each other simply as a children of God bound together in a Baptismal Covenant. We must seek to have each person who enters here to find their own honored place as one who is beloved by our creator. It is through our words and actions, that people get to experience God’s love.
I have experienced the transformative power of healthy community. I stand before you a very different person from the woman who sat down for a Good Friday Liturgy several years ago. I find myself to be far more blessed than I could have possibly imagined. And I am at a loss as to how to convey my gratitude to this Church. I continue my journey hoping to find better ways of loving the people around me, hoping for Grace and mercy when I mess it all up. I will labor in the words of the Baptismal covenant which asks me to ‘proclaim by word and example the Good News of God in Christ’.
And finally, I consider it a privilege to continue in the work of this church as we find the actions needed to meet the words of our mission statement. “In gratitude to God, St. Alban’s resolves to be a welcoming community, learning together and reaching out to other’s with God’s love”.
The Gospel reading was Luke 6:20-31
For many months now, our church has been in a corporate discernment process. We used the Healthy Church initiative to help us discern the call for this Parish. During that process we came up with the words of the core values and mission statement. Our core values are:
Providing worship experience based in liturgical tradition
Forming Community
And Equipping for ministry.
When I think back on the reasons our family joined St. Alban’s several years ago, I can honestly say that these words described what we were looking for in a church, most especially the part about community. After I had my first child, I found a playgroup to join. We were a bunch of mothers, joined by a common parenting belief. We met once a week at a park and let the kids play while we talked. We soon realized that the real value of the play date was not for the kids, it was a place where we mothers could talk about our struggles raising children. We soon began to wrestle with the some bigger questions of life, including our own identities. We, slowly, over several years, built a very strong, intimate community of women. It was that same sense of community that helped fuel our search for a church community in which our children would be raised. When we first came here, I will admit to you that I was very hesitant about identifying myself as a Christian. I had spent my entire life being hit over the head with doctrines, creeds and statements of judgment. I was struggling to find a true understanding of what it meant to be a Christian. One of the first services I attended here, was the Good Friday Liturgy. I had never attended the Episcopal version of it, I was raised Lutheran and I knew most of the words being used, but the actions were much different. Because I had a baby in my lap, I could not hold a bulletin to read along, so I sat and watched the action at the altar with intense curiosity. I had never experienced a ‘reverencing of the cross,’ so I was quite surprised when Father Maltby walked over, picked up a wooden cross, carried it back to the altar and held it above him. When he turned his face upward in a picture of pure love and adoration, something cracked open inside of me. It was at that moment that I decided there might be something to becoming a follow of Christ.
At the time, it seems like a very simple sort of change. I would later discover that it was just a beginning of a life long journey of discovering who I am as a child of God and a Christian. I decided to dive head first into this Liturgical Tradition. I found the Christian Mystics, Saints and a depth of theology I had not expected. I started finding my spiritual community which was extended to include Nuns, Spiritual Directors, Healers, Brothers and Sisters found in the Baptismal covenant. I found the words of a covenant which challenged ‘Will you seek and serve Christ in all persons, loving your neighbor as yourself?’ I decided to accept those words at my confirmation here, knowing that I would fail miserably every single day for the rest of my life, yet knowing that that was no excuse not to try.
During this intense period of change, I also experienced some of the darkest days of my life. Yet, I rested in the knowledge that I could spend every Sunday with people who had also spoken the words of the Baptismal Covenant which asks us ‘Will you continue in the Apostle’s teaching and fellowship, in the breaking of the bread and in the prayers.’ One Sunday, I was so incredibly angry, that I refused to say any of the Psalm or prayers. Yet, at the time for communion, I overcame my own hurt and went to the rail to receive. After the service, I went to apologize to Mother Humbert, afraid that I had broken some sort of rule. He answer was simple, yet profound. “That’s ok, you community said the prayers for you.” The simple act of going to receive communion became my confession. It was my confession that I cannot give everything to myself. In fact, I would come to understand that nothing I do is truly by myself.
The words we speak are so important, yet it is with words and actions combined that we are able to transform people and communities. Jesus speaks the words of blessing in this passage from Luke. They are beautiful words, yet they are only words until you have experienced them. For in the years that I have been here at this church, I have come here poor, and been blessed by you. I have come hungry and been filled by you. I have wept among you, resting in the expectation that I would also laugh with you. Jesus goes on to tell us that we should expect to be hated, excluded, reviled and defamed on his account. Yet, our reward will be great in heaven. Loving people who don’t want to be loved is his challenge. It is our challenge as his followers. Jesus tells us to bless those who curse us and pray for those who abuse us. I think he knew that when we curse or abuse each other it is because we have forgotten how to love ourselves. He wants us to give them our shirt and our other cheek in these actions which remind us that we are to love one another.
In this spiritual journey of mine, I have managed to find people who did love me when I lashed out. They loved me when I didn‘t. I managed to fall into the hands of healers who helped me accept the healing needed for me to learn how to love myself. I believe that it is the act of truly loving ourselves that we are able to spill that love over to others. Even our enemies.
When we can match our words with our actions, we become Stewards, or agents of God. Being a steward is what you *do* after you *say* yes. In this Healthy Church Initiative, we have given this community words to work with. Now it is our turn as a congregation to give these words skin and bones. It is the call of this church to build the structure to receive each and every offer of a gift. We should receive each person, separate from their roles, vestments, jobs or ministries. We must value each other simply as a children of God bound together in a Baptismal Covenant. We must seek to have each person who enters here to find their own honored place as one who is beloved by our creator. It is through our words and actions, that people get to experience God’s love.
I have experienced the transformative power of healthy community. I stand before you a very different person from the woman who sat down for a Good Friday Liturgy several years ago. I find myself to be far more blessed than I could have possibly imagined. And I am at a loss as to how to convey my gratitude to this Church. I continue my journey hoping to find better ways of loving the people around me, hoping for Grace and mercy when I mess it all up. I will labor in the words of the Baptismal covenant which asks me to ‘proclaim by word and example the Good News of God in Christ’.
And finally, I consider it a privilege to continue in the work of this church as we find the actions needed to meet the words of our mission statement. “In gratitude to God, St. Alban’s resolves to be a welcoming community, learning together and reaching out to other’s with God’s love”.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Layers
I read or heard a famous author talk about his first published book. He said that after writing so many other books, he went back and read his first one. He said that it was just plain awful. Yet, he decided to publish it again to show people something. He said that, like anything in life, we grow and get better at things. He wanted to offer his first book to that concept.
I feel a little bit the same way about this blog. I've gone back and read some of it. I also have come to know that some of what I have said was misunderstood. I've struggled with posting something new for over a month now, not knowing how to resolve this personal struggle. I don't want to be misunderstood. I want people to quit making negative assumptions about me and see me as I grow. In this culture, we are taught to sit back and judge one another. We do it from across the room. We might be willing to write a letter, read a blog or send an email. When did we quit talking *with* each other. Where are the dialogues? Why is it so hard to walk across the room and talk to someone?
I, honestly, think that this is the biggest problem in most churches and families. In order to sit and talk with someone, you must make yourself vulnerable. You must be willing to listen to their side of the story. Most importantly, you are not going to be in control. You might hear something you didn't want to hear. You loose the ability to judge someone from a distance. You might realize that you were wrong about someone. You might realize that people grow and they change.
I think that is my biggest struggle right now. I want people to see me as a growing, learning person. I have learned from my mistakes, and I have paid for them. I want people to make an effort to get to know me, instead of judging me from across the room. Real, authentic, relationships require effort and time.
In the past couple of years, I have shed some pretty big layers. I have let go of a ton of things as I try to grow in this new skin of mine. As I was talking to a trusted friend, I told her that I feel so vulnerable. She told me that I *feel* vulnerable, because I am *being* vulnerable. I don't exactly like this feeling. I feel as if I have been rubbed raw with all that has happened lately. I hope that this is what I am supposed to be doing. I hope that there is some reason for it. I hope that people start seeing me for who I really am, as I try walking around in this new layer.
I feel a little bit the same way about this blog. I've gone back and read some of it. I also have come to know that some of what I have said was misunderstood. I've struggled with posting something new for over a month now, not knowing how to resolve this personal struggle. I don't want to be misunderstood. I want people to quit making negative assumptions about me and see me as I grow. In this culture, we are taught to sit back and judge one another. We do it from across the room. We might be willing to write a letter, read a blog or send an email. When did we quit talking *with* each other. Where are the dialogues? Why is it so hard to walk across the room and talk to someone?
I, honestly, think that this is the biggest problem in most churches and families. In order to sit and talk with someone, you must make yourself vulnerable. You must be willing to listen to their side of the story. Most importantly, you are not going to be in control. You might hear something you didn't want to hear. You loose the ability to judge someone from a distance. You might realize that you were wrong about someone. You might realize that people grow and they change.
I think that is my biggest struggle right now. I want people to see me as a growing, learning person. I have learned from my mistakes, and I have paid for them. I want people to make an effort to get to know me, instead of judging me from across the room. Real, authentic, relationships require effort and time.
In the past couple of years, I have shed some pretty big layers. I have let go of a ton of things as I try to grow in this new skin of mine. As I was talking to a trusted friend, I told her that I feel so vulnerable. She told me that I *feel* vulnerable, because I am *being* vulnerable. I don't exactly like this feeling. I feel as if I have been rubbed raw with all that has happened lately. I hope that this is what I am supposed to be doing. I hope that there is some reason for it. I hope that people start seeing me for who I really am, as I try walking around in this new layer.
Friday, July 30, 2010
I'm human too
Much of my time spent as a new grad nurse was not very rewarding. I fell victim to the 'we eat our young' philosophy of nursing. One particular experience left me with memories I have tried to forget.
I was hired on as a postpartum/antepartum nurse. As part of my orientation, I spent 2 shifts on the labor and delivery unit. This L&D unit was a group of women hardened by working with the most critical patients in the area. They were asked to do impossible tasks, and not appreciated or paid well for their efforts. On top of that was an ongoing dislike and distrust for postpartum nurses.
I went with my preceptor into a delivery of a fetus. They had tried everything to stop the labor, but the baby was coming. I had overheard the discussion between the nurses and the resident over resuscitation of the baby. After determining that the baby was not viable, they informed the mom that the baby was not going to survive. She started sobbing and became hysterical. Unfortunately, she was a young mother with no one there to support her. The nurses were trying to explain things, the doctor was fretting over the decisions, and I was left in a corner. So upon delivery, the doctor placed the baby in the warmer next to me. As everyone started to focus on helping the mother, one nurse told me to keep watch over the baby. I looked down at this perfectly formed tiny baby. She was breathing! I was shocked. I did not question the decision not to resuscitate. I just wasn't prepared to watch this baby struggle for breath. Those experience, hardened nurses remembered that this child was a real human being. Since the mother was unable to hold the child, they wanted someone to be with her. So that left me, a brand new nurse with no training in how to handle any of this. Those nurses remembered that the baby was a human, but they forgot that I was. They made no effort to explain things to me, or help me in my task. They just left me to do the hardest job in the room. They ate the young one.
I am now one of those experienced nurses. I have spent 3 years working in an emergency department. We get used to many, many things. I catch myself as I offer up a new nurse to perform an unpleasant task. I, sometimes, am all to willing to eat the young nurses. Yet, someone grabbed a hold of me and reminded me that this is not the nurse I want to be. I want to be the nurse that remembers that my co-workers are human too. We nurses deserve to be treated with the same care and compassion that we give our patients. If we don't start taking care of ourselves, who will be left to care for the vulnerable? I am working very hard at taking care of myself. It is a huge commitment. Sometimes, I regret making this commitment. Sometimes, I want to be the nurse who refuses to take responsibility for her actions. I don't like examining my part of a problem. Worse than that, I feel like I am the only one doing it! But, I know that I am not. I have received too much help over the past 3 years defining who I am as a nurse. I work with some really great people. Hopefully, we will keep reminding ourselves that we nurses are humans too.
I was hired on as a postpartum/antepartum nurse. As part of my orientation, I spent 2 shifts on the labor and delivery unit. This L&D unit was a group of women hardened by working with the most critical patients in the area. They were asked to do impossible tasks, and not appreciated or paid well for their efforts. On top of that was an ongoing dislike and distrust for postpartum nurses.
I went with my preceptor into a delivery of a fetus. They had tried everything to stop the labor, but the baby was coming. I had overheard the discussion between the nurses and the resident over resuscitation of the baby. After determining that the baby was not viable, they informed the mom that the baby was not going to survive. She started sobbing and became hysterical. Unfortunately, she was a young mother with no one there to support her. The nurses were trying to explain things, the doctor was fretting over the decisions, and I was left in a corner. So upon delivery, the doctor placed the baby in the warmer next to me. As everyone started to focus on helping the mother, one nurse told me to keep watch over the baby. I looked down at this perfectly formed tiny baby. She was breathing! I was shocked. I did not question the decision not to resuscitate. I just wasn't prepared to watch this baby struggle for breath. Those experience, hardened nurses remembered that this child was a real human being. Since the mother was unable to hold the child, they wanted someone to be with her. So that left me, a brand new nurse with no training in how to handle any of this. Those nurses remembered that the baby was a human, but they forgot that I was. They made no effort to explain things to me, or help me in my task. They just left me to do the hardest job in the room. They ate the young one.
I am now one of those experienced nurses. I have spent 3 years working in an emergency department. We get used to many, many things. I catch myself as I offer up a new nurse to perform an unpleasant task. I, sometimes, am all to willing to eat the young nurses. Yet, someone grabbed a hold of me and reminded me that this is not the nurse I want to be. I want to be the nurse that remembers that my co-workers are human too. We nurses deserve to be treated with the same care and compassion that we give our patients. If we don't start taking care of ourselves, who will be left to care for the vulnerable? I am working very hard at taking care of myself. It is a huge commitment. Sometimes, I regret making this commitment. Sometimes, I want to be the nurse who refuses to take responsibility for her actions. I don't like examining my part of a problem. Worse than that, I feel like I am the only one doing it! But, I know that I am not. I have received too much help over the past 3 years defining who I am as a nurse. I work with some really great people. Hopefully, we will keep reminding ourselves that we nurses are humans too.
Adjusting my sails
Recently, someone told me that a good leader learns how to adjust his sails in order to keep going. I've only sailed once, and I ended up in a very cold lake! Hopefully, I've been able to do a better job of adjusting in real life. I certainly don't have any idea of where I am ultimately headed. I keep getting reminded that I am not in control anyway.
Last week, I walked into a meeting with someone, and he asked 'Are you OK?'. I reacted with the common answer, 'yes'. I, now, wish I had given the true answer. Not really. I've had a very hard couple of weeks trying to work through some things. I've decided to face how I am causing problems. I am looking, searching for the root cause of my anger and frustrations. I am becoming aware of how my anger and frustrations have affected others. It is hard to look inside and see how you hurt others. It has been easier for me to blog about how others have hurt me.
I, now, recognize there was a double edge to our decision to leave our church. I wanted our departure to hurt other people. I was hoping that they would feel the same hurt I was feeling. I think I would have acted differently if I had been more conscious of my intentions.
Also, last week, I was dealing with traumatic memories. I have sought care in coping with some of the events I have experienced as a nurse and EMT/paramedic. It is very hard to find someone willing and able to sit and listen as I rehash things. Yet, I will continue to keep my feelings bottled up if I don't spend time rehashing. I had several heart to heart talks with coworkers, colleagues and friends.
I will admit that I was rubbed a bit raw last week, wondering if I am doing anything right. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. But, a kiss from one of my kids always helps me get things back into perspective. Getting authentic feedback is like a new gust of wind. I can adjust my sails with more accuracy now. My job as a mother and wife requires me to keep moving forward with this family as we try to find our way in this world. I am humbled, and grateful for those who do the work required for authentic feed back. However, next time someone asks me 'Are you ok?'. I might take a minute and try to give an authentic answer.
Last week, I walked into a meeting with someone, and he asked 'Are you OK?'. I reacted with the common answer, 'yes'. I, now, wish I had given the true answer. Not really. I've had a very hard couple of weeks trying to work through some things. I've decided to face how I am causing problems. I am looking, searching for the root cause of my anger and frustrations. I am becoming aware of how my anger and frustrations have affected others. It is hard to look inside and see how you hurt others. It has been easier for me to blog about how others have hurt me.
I, now, recognize there was a double edge to our decision to leave our church. I wanted our departure to hurt other people. I was hoping that they would feel the same hurt I was feeling. I think I would have acted differently if I had been more conscious of my intentions.
Also, last week, I was dealing with traumatic memories. I have sought care in coping with some of the events I have experienced as a nurse and EMT/paramedic. It is very hard to find someone willing and able to sit and listen as I rehash things. Yet, I will continue to keep my feelings bottled up if I don't spend time rehashing. I had several heart to heart talks with coworkers, colleagues and friends.
I will admit that I was rubbed a bit raw last week, wondering if I am doing anything right. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. But, a kiss from one of my kids always helps me get things back into perspective. Getting authentic feedback is like a new gust of wind. I can adjust my sails with more accuracy now. My job as a mother and wife requires me to keep moving forward with this family as we try to find our way in this world. I am humbled, and grateful for those who do the work required for authentic feed back. However, next time someone asks me 'Are you ok?'. I might take a minute and try to give an authentic answer.
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