Defending myself

One of the biggest mistakes I make in my life is in defending myself. Sometimes, I do it to my own detriment. Sometimes, I do it to the point of ruining relationships. Sometimes, I will defend myself to the death! It could be my death, or theirs, I don't care. I've been doing this most of my life. I think that it got me through some really hard times as a kid, teenager and young adult. There were so many times in my life where I really felt like it was me against the world. Sometimes that feeling overwhelms my adult sense of myself, and I find myself right back to defending myself at all costs.
At least I am starting to realize the pattern involved with this defense. It seems to happen in relationships, or situations, where I feel like I simply don't matter. The good news for me, these relationships and situations seem to be getting fewer and further between. I've managed, over the past several years, to make some of the best friends anyone could ever imagine. I have friendships that go far beyond the superficial. They are lasting, time tested, authentic relationships. I get to trust these, and not have to defend myself.
Hopefully, I will start learning the art of asserting myself, and loose the defensiveness. Hopefully, I will learn the art of being a 'compassionate disruptor' instead of simply being a provoker. Hopefully, I will learn how to move forward, without being held hostage to the past. Hopefully, I will find ways to continue growing and making room for others to grow also.
About a year ago, I went to church with a friend of mine. She is a gray-headed, self proclaimed, 'old lady'. She took me to a high church, complete with Icons, incense and Holy Water. On a lark, I went to kneel before the statue of Mary. As I knelt, a prayer washed over me in words I cannot explain. The words faded out at the end, leaving me with a paradox that I don't completely understand. It went something like this: "Oh Mary, Mother of God, give me the strength to give that which I have not received in/of this world."
I have spent many hours meditating on this prayer, wondering what it meant for me in this life. With this season of Advent, I realize that I have soooooo much more work to do in preparing myself for the coming of the Christ child. I have failed in so many tasks over the past year. I have slipped too far into defending myself, trying to prove that which I have received in this world. It is time that I start giving that which has come to me through the love others. My struggles continue, I suspect they always will. It has been a hard year. I have said goodbye to 3 very good friends. Two of them moved away, one passed away. I also seem to have grown away from some friends, while renewing old friendships along the way. I have also tried to refocus on those relationships closest to me, especially those with whom I share my living space. I have far more than I could possibly deserve.
So this post rambles on for a bit. I publish it in the hopes that it helps me to hold myself accountable. I have enjoyed going back and reading what I have written, realizing how naive some posts are, how silly some are. Some even make a little bit of sense. Any way, I keep writing, keep reaching out, keep trying to live up to what is being asked of me. Amen.