Deal breakers

Awhile back, I was sitting with a female friend who was lamenting about her husband.  They had grown children, and she mentioned something that he did when the children were young.  I winced and mentioned "that would be a deal breaker for me."  I'd probably had a couple of glasses of wine and wasn't holding my tongue like I should.  I told her that I had several deal breakers going into my marriage.  Actually, so did my husband.  We'd discussed these things.  Honestly, my biggest deal breaker was where we would live.  I told him that if wanted to move up north, he needed to find another woman.  I'm not moving.  We didn't set off our lives with terms to control the other person, we just discussed those things that were deal breakers. We've been married almost 20 years now.  Our deal breakers have been negotiated throughout the years, and we've had more than our share of struggles.  Yet, we've always bounced back to a respectful, loving relationship.  A partnership.

I recently sat with an old friend's second husband.  I found him to be a charming, affectionate, thoughtful human being.  His presence in her life has been one of healing and love.  This presence in her life is a very sharp contrast to her first marriage.  That relationship was marred with abuse and control.  I wonder where she would be in her life if she hadn't broken away from him.  I don't think she would have found herself in such a safe place as she has now.  I am very happy for her.

I have absolutely no wisdom to offer any married couple.  I barely think I know enough about my own marriage.  However, I do wonder where some women would find themselves if they had left abusive relationships long ago.  I've grown to have a great deal of respect and admiration for women (and men) who leave everything behind to search out a healthy life.

As I look back and really study on things, I'm pretty sure that the key to my list of deal breakers is not that we are perfect people and we follow all the rules.  We are not perfect, and we've broken some rules.  My husband and I have hurt each other and been hurt.  Yet, the key might have been simple.  We acknowledged our mistakes and refused to accept behavior that was controlling, mean or abusive.  In a couple of my friends descriptions of marriages, these behaviors are somehow accepted.  If things are accepted, they continue. My friend refused to continue to accept things.  With courage, she walked into a new life.

I am participating in the 30 day forgiveness challenge.  I've realized that I have not really protected myself in friendships like I have with my husband.  I forgot to set up some deal breakers with friends.  Or, more likely, I've not been able to bring myself to acknowledge my own acceptance of their abusive behavior.  It seems that I developed a sense of what a healthy marriage should be, but I forgot to develop the same sense with a healthy friendship.  I'm pretty sure that I don't trust my own instincts with it right now.  I'm struggling to define what my friendship deal-breakers are.

So in this 30 day challenge, I've worked to forgive someone.  I've named my hurts and pondered them.  At this point, my deal breaker is very simple with her:  she never acknowledged her behavior as harmful to me.  I've learned that it is very hard to forgive someone who shows no regret.  It is even harder to rationalize things with this person who feels that I deserve what happened to me.  I've seen a pattern with this in my life.  I've had several friendships that left me reeling in turmoil.  I've not done a good job of exiting those relationships.  I've always thought we could work things out, desperate to maintain ties to someone.  Somehow, I've always accepted the behavior.  It is easy for me to rationalize it.  By not releasing the relationship, I've stayed stuck in it.  This not been good for me.

I've got 12 more days of the forgiveness challenge.  I've been slowly exhaling as I seek to forgive.  I have been given a choice of renewing or releasing the relationship.  I've chosen to release.  With God's help, I will. I have some amazing people in my life, and I hope that by releasing dead friendships, I can make room for healthy ones.  I want to be a good friend and let others be one too.