I say once again because I've already dug really deep into situations before and made some really hard decisions. That time, I had deep questioning in my relationships to other people and organizations. This time around, the questioning seems to be deeply rooted in myself. I want to tell you that questioning others was much easier.
I don't know why I attract other people's ire. I've had one very wise person tell me that I intensely seek authenticity with people. I'm not sure that this is such a great thing. Most people don't want authenticity, they was to promote an illusion of things. I don't work well with illusions. In fact, they threaten something inside of me. When I feel threatened, I don't behave very well. I suppose this is one of my personal greatest lessons. At least this recent lesson has taught me of one highly effective technique:
If someone brings up a subject that threatens your illusion, you must (immediately) start an emotional tirade that brings up every single thing that person has ever done wrong. After you have gotten the last word in that tirade, you politely change the subject and recover your illusion. This avoids any potential authentic conversation and keeps the other person walking on your eggshells.
I've used this tactic before. I see where I have really messed up some situations. I get it.
Much of the last few weeks has caused me to wince when I think about things I have said and done. I wonder if my decision to be vulnerable and public will be a good one or a bad one. I guess only time will tell.
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