Leaving the Tribe

Last weekend, I was on a retreat at a local Convent.  We were, as usual, off topic.  Somehow we started talking about finding Belovedness.  The Leader was talking about men she had met from an associated Monastery.  She said they had grown up in a tribe in Africa that had extreme fundamental religious beliefs.  They were raised to believe that God could not possibly love them the way they were, they must earn it.  Instilled in them was a deep sense of shame.  This was used to control them and keep their place within a tribe.  Apparently, somewhere in their life, they found out that God loved them.  They found out that they were a Beloved child of God.  This changed everything for them. 
As I was listening to this story, I said "They had to leave their tribe after that, didn't they."  Yes, of course they did.  I understand this completely, and I think it happens all over the world.

My story is a bit similar to this one.  I sat in the pew for my Confirmation into the Episcopal Church.  The decision to do this was a tortured one for me.  I fought it for many months, then gave into it.  During the sermon, the Bishop started using the term Beloved.  At one point, he stood directly over me, leaned down and looked me dead in the eye as he said that word.  My first reaction was "You don't know me, you couldn't possibly understand me, I am not who you say I am."  He paused in front of me and looked at me in a way that I couldn't resist.  I accepted his pronouncement.  At that moment, something inside of me broke.  It broke open.

I left my confirmation different, and I sensed that it would change my life.  I realized it changed the interior me.  I could no longer live in a place in a tribe that sought to shame me, or control me.  Within a few years, I would have to leave that tribe.  I attribute it to that moment of deciding to accept a place of one who has inherit worth.  One who is beloved.

I get to go hang out with another tribe this weekend.  It is a group of women who all carry battle scars.  We are a tribe which understands inherit worth of a human.  I feel that spot of Belovedness around them.  I doubt I would have imagined ever being so lucky.