The Silent Treatment

"Abusers punish their victims by refusing to speak to them or even acknowledge their presence. Through silence, the abusers, loudly communicate their displeasure, anger, frustration, or disappointment. Depending on the person, this silent treatment can last for hours, days, or weeks. For some abusers, it is a preferred method of communication because of its ability to humiliate and control the victim. It is used most effectively by those in close relationship, such as a spouse, parent, or child. The silence, the loss of verbal relationship, is meant to exact an emotional toll on the other person, who often will go to great lengths to attempt to restore communication with the abuser. This level of control is precisely what the abuser is looking for as well as a way to vent his or her anger at the other person. By not verbally expressing that anger, by "avoiding" showing anger, the abuser is allowed to feel as if the victim is the only person at fault for whatever wrong is perceived by the abuser. If the victim responds to the silent treatment with anger, the abuser is doubly vindicated." Page 78, Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Gregory L Jantz, Phd


I went to a silent retreat at a local convent this weekend.  The first part of the retreat discussed silence and the 6 forms of it.  The leader talked about the worse one being "hostile" silence.  I was, immediately reminded of a post I made a couple of years ago.  In a futile attempt of reconciling with a group of people, I took down most of those posts.  Back then, I didn't know better.  Now, I do.  Someone once said "When you know better, you do better."

Back then, I would have believed on some level that I deserved the silent treatment.  Somehow, I had earned this form of punishment.  This form of abuse can be very effective, and those that practice it have great control over themselves.  They can go for years without speaking to loved ones, even their children.  This, I find very sad.  We should always be willing to talk things out.  But many people don't want to give up this sort of control.

It has also been almost 2 years since I was given notice that I could not receive the sacrament of holy communion.  This dark time took a great toll on my relationship with church.  Today, I attended a service in the same chapel that I was denied communion by a Bishop.  Today, I received Communion among people who know me well and love me deeply.  I suddenly realize that their love was there all along.  I, perhaps, had been too busy, too hurt and too immature to see it in its fullness.  I seem to be finding a renewed relationship with the church (at least most of it).  Last week, I even attended something at the local Cathedral.  Interestingly enough, I found my great-great grandfather's grave in the courtyard.

It is very interesting to me to look back at old posts and realized how I have struggled.  I had to wrestle with many, many truths.  As one wise Nun says "The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable."  I have to admit, there have been quite a few miserable moments.  At least I seem to be getting better at accepting it, less likely to deny it.

She also talked of defense mechanisms.  She said that we have to keep them in order to survive and many people cannot choose to see the truth.  I would say that they spend their energy in denying truth.  I think they end up spending their energy in this form of "hostile silence".  Unfortunately, the only end up hurting themselves (not to mention their victims).

This post rambles a bit, and I wish that I knew exactly what I wanted to try to say.  This was a very powerful retreat for me, and I look forward to absorbing its value as I ponder things.  It has been awhile since I blogged regularly.  Part of me is hesitant to put my feelings out there one a regular basis.  I feel like I am just getting to know who I am, and I am a bit protective of what others might think of me.  The sermon today was from the story of Jesus turning water into wine.  He was faced with a choice of deciding to 'go public' with his gifts.  I feel a bit the same way about some things, wondering exactly where my life is headed.  Who knows?

Solidarity

solidarity  

Noun Unity or agreement of feeling or action, esp. among individuals with a common interest; mutual support within a group. An independent trade union movement in Poland that developed into a mass campaign for political change and inspired popular opposition...

Synonyms unity      I was at a farm one day when a friend announced that she lost her wedding band in the big fish tank.  As soon as another friend heard, she took off her band and threw it in, "For solidarity"      I found the incident quite amusing.  I glanced at my husband and he remarked "Don't you dare!"  In a way, I wish I had.  I think there is something sacred in finding yourself in solidarity with another person or group.  It is an acknowledgment that what affects you, also affects me.  We caught glances of that after 9/11 when people announced:  "Today, I am a New Yorker."     When my oldest child was in 4th grade, she got in trouble for something pretty stupid.  She couldn't play for the first 5 minutes of recess, so two of her friends sat right beside her.  When she told me about this, it brought tears to my eyes.  These are good friends.      This morning, this young lady of ours was wearing a dress.  She is now 15 years old and rarely wears dresses.  I asked her why she was so dressed up.  A friend of hers had to dress up for a class, so her friends dressed up in support.      Our daughter has remarked several times about how fun high school is for her.  She said that the secret is in having good friends.  I'd say she's got a pretty awesome group of kids.

Contentment

"He who is contented cannot be ruined." 

It was a proverb I was given a few years ago as I was struggling in one thing or another.  I have struggled a LOT over the past few years.  If you've read this blog, you might have a pretty good idea.

I look back and realized that the things I struggled over were worth it.  Our marriage is stronger, my relationships are stronger.  I am more confident, more compassionate.  I am much less defensive and reactive.  I've learned to bite my tongue.

Today, I had a pretty awesome day.  I am in between jobs.  My next one won't start right away, and I have decided to be OK with that.  I forgot how much I was missing my kids, my husband and my friends.  I thought having a full time job with a bunch of extra money was going to be the best thing for me, but I simply realized the more I make, the more I spend.  I'm planning on cutting back on my schedule, enjoying not working so much.

Life just got a whole lot simpler, and I cannot remember a time in my life where I felt such contentment.  Things even seem crisper to me.  I see things with distinction, not blurred places of struggle.

So, my day was filled with cleaning, cooking and driving kids around.  Breakfast with a good friend was the perfect way to start.  I am glad I have gotten to find this place of contentment.  I hope it stays for awhile.