Unintended consequences

I attended a wonderful conference last week.  One of the main sessions was taking a look at policy.  The speaker went through a great deal of research and showed how a certain policy was taking a low risk group and turning it into a high risk group.  She even used the studies that the policy makers had used.  This caused quite a stir because we are not to question those in authority.  We are expected to trust them.
Of course, the intent of these policy makers in authority is to help people and save babies.  These, I am sure, are good people.  Unfortunately, when you place yourself in a position of authority, you can also easily abuse this authority.  You must allow people to question you.  You must share your authority with those you serve.
Much of my time as a nurse seems to be devoted to returning the patient's authority to them.  I say things like "I am giving you my opinion.  It is an educated opinion, but the final decision is yours."  I really don't think anyone is served by abdicating authority to a doctor, nurse, Priest or teacher.  I think that people should not follow policy blindly, hoping that it will keep them safe.  As this speaker proved, sometimes there are unintended consequences.

Pull me!!

Here I am at the bottom, pushing on this lady's left foot.  This wall is impossible to get over by yourself.  In fact, even our team of 4 needed help.  I am much more comfortable giving support, helping, pushing, pulling.  I am not a big fan of being the one needing help.
I started to walk around the wall and not try for myself, but I decided to give it a try.  It was very vulnerable standing on some one's shoulders.  All of my strength went to keep from falling backwards, which I almost did.  I finally put up both of my hands and yelled "Pull me!"  I even lifted up a foot and offered it to someone else to grab.  In total, I think that it took about 5 or 6 people to get me up on the lip of the top.  I got stuck, again, as I tried to work my boobs and belly over.  Then, it was my turn to help again as I grunted really loud and helped worked my weight onto the top of the wall.  Then came a bigger yell.  "Oh, Yeah!!".  It was exhilarating to get over a wall so high.
The mudrun was a really good thing for me to do.  I learned a lot about myself and it brought up many emotions for me.  I haven't pushed my body this hard in decades, and it shows it.
It also brought something very, very important home to me.  I am never alone.  Never.
I was new to the ER and worked my first code as a nurse.  I became very upset with another co-worker, I felt out of place and the all the stress got to me.  Later, as we were preparing the body, the charge nurse came in to speak with me and another new nurse.  She said "You two need to understand one thing.  I don't care where you are in this hospital, there is always help.  You are never alone."  I let her words soak in as I tried to figure out what kind of nurse I wanted to be.  I let those words soak in when I realize how much I fear being left behind.  I let her words work on my fears of feeling all alone.
When I act as if I am all alone, I am left behind the wall.  When I remember there are many, many people in this world who are working right along side me, I can accomplish most anything.  Oh Yeah!!

Playing small

One upon a time, I was an in-shape, skilled basketball player.  I was even offered a position on a major college basketball team.  If my grades had been better, I'd probably have played on the team.  Instead, I ended up out at the cement courts playing with mostly men.  In fact, I've played against several NFL stars.  The football team always headed out to the courts when spring practice was over.  It was probably the first time I played with pure athletes, much better than me.  I raised my game significantly, and was in the best playing shape of my life.
One day, I was waiting for enough people to come to play a game.  I ended up in a one-on-one game with a guy about my size.  As we were playing, it became pretty clear I was the better player.  In fact, I was much better and was winning handily.  This was truly distressing to my opponent.  He was getting beat by A GIRL, and all of the other guys were arriving at the court.  The more upset he got, the less effort I put into my game.  I started playing small.  He ended up strutting off the court, not even realizing that I had let him win.  I regretted letting him win.
To this day, I still struggle with this dynamic with other people.  For the most part, people put their efforts into making people small.  This is what makes them feel big.  I find it hard to find people who will work towards raising their own game when challenged.
Someone I used to know confessed that I intimidated him.  I was naive in thinking that he would work on himself.  Instead, I would learn that this was my cue to play small.  When I didn't play small, he used whatever tactic he could to get me out of the game.
I am sad for this person, and many others who need to make others small in order to feel big.  I am even more sad for the people they shrink.
I've been one of this people who get shrunk.  I've struggled with this most of my life.  My fear of being kicked out of the game overcomes my desire to live to my full potential.  I am trying to still this fear, and work on becoming the woman I am supposed to be.
Right now, I am prayerful to be surrounded with people who help me raise my game, in life.  I want to avoid those people who insist on my playing small.  I want to avoid this trap I easily fall into.  I hope that I won't be the one intimidated, nervous or scared.  I hope I won't expect others to play small to help me.  I hope that I find a way to play just the right size.