Whispers

Yesterday, I stood at the edge, looking at the angry sea. I was set to negotiate my future. I am tired, so tired. I want to be done. I want to rest and quit doing the hard work of wrestling with myself, my past and most importantly: my path. I sat there saying all of these things and I heard that whisper. The words of a shaman: "I will continue to heal for the rest of my life."

My work is not done, it never will be. I accept that, although not very happily. More to learn, always growing, always healing. Ever grateful for those whispers.

Repair

I recently had a wonderful conversation with a new friend. She made a very simple comment to me. She said "If I do something wrong, please tell me so that I can repair it." We went on to discuss this for several minutes, because I was intrigued by her courage. She said that she felt relationships were built on repairing wrongs. We both know that everyone makes mistakes.

I place high value on relationships in my life. In my experience, the most valuable and secure relationships have had repairs made. Some are bigger repairs than others. I just think one of the most important things we have to be able to do is to tell the other person honestly: "That hurt." Then, the other person can repair it. When we keep our hurt to ourselves, not sharing it, it festers. Pure and simple, it festers. We then end up expressing our hurt in other ways like 'forgetting' a birthday, ignoring the other person, not returning calls.

I have one thing I simply cannot understand. Perhaps by asking the question out loud, I will find an answer. Why do people insist on pretending that they are not hurt? It seems as if they think they are just too tough, to good, to important not to bleed. Everyone bleeds, everyone gets hurt. That is simply part of being human. I guess some people don't want to see the humanity in each of us. I just feel like there are people out there bleeding, not wanting to admit they are hurt. Then, of course, something always happens and the person acts out. I really think that some people don't understand that they are acting out of hurt. They can always find something to justify their actions. Perhaps it is a sense of being perfect. Maybe it is a lack of ability to see their own hurtful actions towards others.

This post seems a bit cryptic, I have a bunch of ideas going through my head, and I guess I like getting them out of my head and out to the universe. I am a thinker, a ponderer and a pilgrim. I also like to think that deep down inside, I repair things. Perhaps, even heal things. Of course the only real thing I can repair is myself......uhm. That might be the next post.

Cool!

SO, I work as a nurse in the emergency department. Sometimes, I make small talk with patients while I am doing procedures. Today, I talked a bit with a young lady as I was starting an IV and drawing blood. I tried to listen to her story and give her some encouragement. She had dropped out of school, and was wandering around looking for a job. I didn't think too much about our little talk. I just want to see people succeed. As I went to take her paperwork upon discharge, she looked at me with pride and told me something. She said that when she got her high school diploma, she was going to bring it up to the hospital and show it to me. I was humbled, saying that I hoped that I was around when she did. I guess I managed to give her a little hope, maybe even direction in life. She seemed pretty sure of her desire to go back to school, wanting to make a better life for herself.
I love my job, and get goose bumps when I think about the impact that I get to have on some people. I am humbled every day when I consider the authority I hold with people who are vulnerable.
I hope this lady brings her diploma up to show me. I pray that I am at work that day. I told her that I believe that she will. I told her that she was a survivor!
Cool! She really did seem to listen, and better yet: BELIEVE.