Working things through

Last year, I was privileged to be able to come in a full circle with myself. I was able to do this because of a gift of real friendship. It happened because of community.
I lived much of my life with one set of beliefs. I've spent a great deal of energy shedding much of these beliefs. A recent comment from my teenager helped me distinguish (or maybe extinguish) a belief. She told me that she was afraid to say the wrong thing to a family friend. She knew if she said the wrong thing that this person would 'quit talking to me'. We both realized that her fear was real. Some people base a friendship on being able to say only what the other person wants to hear. That had always been the basis of friendship for me. Now, thanks to a good friend, I believe differently.
Several years ago, I had a very bad, very loud argument with a friend. She walked up to hug me, and (at the time) I hated being touched, much less hugged. I exploded at her, and we had a big argument at the park. She and I both left in tears. Because of my 'old belief system', I assumed that our friendship was over. I had stepped out of the 'boundary' of saying what she wanted to hear. Instead of the end of the friendship, it signaled the real beginning. I still don't understand it. By the time I got home to email my sincere apologies, she had already explored her part in the argument. She was ready to apologize, and so was I. We agreed that we both had conflicting ideas about hugs, and that was OK. So, over the next few years, we found ways of disagreeing while listening to the other person's fears. We based all of our disagreements in the fact that we both loved each other. People don't feel threatened in a relationship based on love. We decided that whenever we felt fear or discord, we would be able to work it through. This sort of relationship becomes one in which both people end up co-evolving. It is not based in fear, but in love.
A year ago this week, our argument about simple hug came to bear the most amazing fruit. In a moment of pure agony and grief, this friend and I embraced each other with abandon. We were at the graveside of a friend, and we truly needed each other. It was a very, very healing moment for me as I let myself open up to another person in a hug. I would have never gotten to experience this Healing if my friend hadn't had the courage to work things out. I am so truly blessed with these new beliefs. I now recognize that relationships should be based in love and not fear. I try to move forward, with courage, in love with people. I still feel the sting of being ignored or excluded when I don't say what some people want to hear. Yet, I am encouraged by people who have shown me differently. Thanks, Tracee, I am forever in your debt.