Meme

This is the eulogy I offered at my grandmother's funeral.  It has been a hard week, and I helped bury another grandparent with Christmas decorations all around.  Today, I found the Christmas presents she had bought for my kids.  I see many blessings all around, yet, the grief is deep.  I snapped this picture last year because I loved to watch my grandmother's love for my kids expressed in such tender ways.  My favorite quote from the funeral was from a prayer my cousin offered about the fact that my grandmother could be 'simultaneously demanding and compassionate'.  My oldest child sang a duet for the Lord's Prayer during the service.  It was stunning.

Through a very strange set of circumstances, I found myself in Trenton SC at the exact moment I received a text to call my husband ASAP. I was informed that my grandmother was being rushed to the Edgefield county hospital, only 15 minutes away from me. Now, in my 41 years, I have never been so close to Edgefield hospital looking at my phone other than the exact moment I needed to be there. It is my belief that God plays a part in our lives in ways we don’t even understand.

As I tried to walk with an appearance of calm towards the hospital, the first familiar face I would see, would, of course, be a Ridge Spring fireman. This is a very special group of volunteers who serve quietly, ever present when needed. I also found faces of family and neighbors. Also, ever present in my grandmother’s life.

Many of you know my grandmothers as Mrs. Householder, or Florence. Her family knows her affectionately as Tookie. Her grandchildren and great grandchildren know her as Meme. We’ve all tasted her cakes and eaten her famous macaroni and cheese. We’ve all known her to offer a ride, a meal or some help. Just last week, Meme drove two older ladies, in the rain, to the American Legion Christmas party and someone told my grandmother “Aren’t these old ladies lucky to have you to drive them around.” She was faithful to her ministry of helping others to the very end.

In speaking at someone’s funeral, it is hard to keep from sounding as if the deceased was perfect. I want all of you to know that my grandmother was far from perfect. But, I think there is something even better than being perfect and that is being Human. Meme was human, fully human.

My grandmother was married to my grandfather, known to me as Pop for over 56 years. This was a quite interesting marriage. Even after Pop died, Meme saved a seat for him in church, often admonishing people who sat in that reserved seat “You’re sitting on top of Bob!”

For their 50^th wedding anniversary, her brothers and sisters threw a big party out at the family home. My grandfather had bought a very nice ring for her. When he gave it to her, I saw such tenderness in his eyes and her face flushed. It was a special moment for me because I got to witness the deep love they had for each other. There were other tender moments scattered throughout the years especially as my grandmother spoke of her brothers and sisters. One of those stories that stands out is the story of an angel that visited her when her sister Hazel was terribly ill in the hospital. Meme always wore a guardian angel on a chain around her neck after that.

I was also privileged to witness her stubborn streak on more than one occasion. Just a few weeks ago, my oldest daughter laid the claim of being the only person in our family to win an argument with Meme. Alena went on to say that we are all very stubborn people in our family. She proclaimed “We all have a piece of Meme in us.” Wouldn’t we all be so lucky.  I am ever grateful that all of my children were able to experience four generations on this earth.  Meme took special care of them, always making their birthday cakes.  One day, she was walking off hand in hand with Carter saying that she just walked better when she had a child’s hand in hers.

 

Our worlds is quickly loosing this generation that started out without all of these modern conveniences. They knew a simpler world where you took care of your family and neighbors; they grew up growing their own food and always make cakes from scratch.  They know what hard work is, and they don’t take anything for granted.

To all of you who are missing Florence Householder today, I offer my heartfelt condolences. I miss her, too. She never complained or ever wanted anyone to feel sorry for her. She just wanted to figure out what she could do to help out the next guy. I hope that you find comfort in each other and comfort in knowing that my grandmother died doing exactly what she always wanted to do, serving others.

I am reminded of the passage from Matthew 25 verse 35. “’For I was hungry and you fed me; I was thirsty and you gave me water; I was a stranger and you invited me into your homes; naked and you clothed me; sick and in prison, and you visited me.’”

I can say that my grandmother obeyed the command in Matthew for us to serve others and she did that her entire life. I believe that when she meets her God, The Maker will say to her “Good and faithful Servant, Well done”

I say, well done, indeed. May she rest in Peace and Rise in Glory! Amen

 

Control

There was a time in my life where I thought I had control over things.  If I do this, then this will happen.  I had decided to take things and FINALLY be in control.  Then an event happened, and I realized that any sense of control I had was simply a perception.  I had perceived control, but not actual.  My life has been better since that event.  I'm glad that I don't have to carry the weight of my world in my control.  I am learning to be a part of the world, not someone trying to control things.  Although, my desire to control things does bubble out.  I think it always will.  I think controlling things is how we control our own anxiety.  I'm sure there is some psychological basis for that. 
Over the dinner table, I heard a friend talk about friendships.  She admitted that she is great at doing things with people, as long as she had control.  It took me to another conversation with a someone a while ago.  I was asking her why it is so hard for our children to get together and play.  She went into a litany about how busy she is, needing to schedule things.  Finally, she just admitted "It has to be on MY terms."  I responded with "EXACTLY".  It was an enlightening moment for me.  You see, I had been naive to the fact that I seem to invite this sort of dynamic in a relationship.  I was happy for the other person's terms, so long as we were friends.  I've grown a bit since then.
This seems to be a bit of a life long lesson for me, and I'm not exactly sure why.  I know that I was raised in an environment where controlling kids was the whole purpose of everything.  Sometimes, I think people try to control their children, because everything else is so out of control.  I try to exert my own control over things.  I'm probably at my worse within my own marriage.  I guess I get to start rethinking all of those things.
The sad part for me is that I don't know how to make a friendship survive when the other person needs control.  In the past, I've ended up rebelling against it.  Whenever I rebelled, the other person rejected me in the most ugly way.  I could give you a pretty long list that goes back to 4th grade.  Recently, this came to light when my best friend in that grade posted a picture on facebook that I was in.  Of course, you couldn't see me because she scratched me out.
Over the past few years, I've learned a great deal about relationships, healthy ones.  I know in order to be in one, you have to healthy yourself.  So, my focus goes on to myself, wondering what I need to learn.  I know I want ones that give and take.  There has to be a relatively even flow of things between two people.  There has to be a surrender of that perception of control.  I guess for me, I've got to surrender my tendency to be the one controlled.  There was a time where I was desperate for any sort of friendship or attention from another person.  I was lost to who I was and needed people to be around.  Now, I'm not so needy in that area.  I'm understanding who I am and I know I'll be ok.
Life seems to be giving me some gut-checks right now.  I pray that I am surrendering to those lessons.