In the dark

     I went out to my long neglected garden.  A wise friend told me that when life starts feeling out of kilter, put your hands in the dirt.  My mom had given me some long neglected fall vegetable plants, so I went to plant them.  As I started clearing off the enormous amount of weeds, I found something that look different, and green.  It was a carrot!  I had planted them last spring and they never did anything.  Somehow, those seeds planted long ago found a way to grow underneath the weeds.
     It is quite similar to a talk I had with my Spiritual Director.  I had lamented to her that I didn't feel like I was really accomplishing anything.  I'm just doing what I do without any perceived success.  Her answer was simple.  You never know what seeds grow in the dark.  Sometimes the most important fruit comes from that time.
     I guess there is a time and place for benign neglect.  I also discovered a new crop of red potatoes and two tomatoes growing in my vegetable garden.  Still, I have no idea what may come of my spiritual garden.  This time seems to be for waiting and seeing what, if anything, will come of my ponderings and prayers.  I sense good things.  I learned from my carrot today.  It was quite small and needed some more time to grow.  I should have trusted it would continue to grow into its fullness.  I'll try not to make that mistake again.

Men working

When I was in grade school, I did a photo collage of this sort of sign and added "Wo" to the men part. I was always a bit sensitive to any lack of acknowledgement of women.  When I graduated from college, I went to work in EMS in a large service that had very few women.  In fact, I was the only woman on my shift.  I was expected to prove myself twice over.  I was expected to prove that I could physically and emotionally  handle the rigors of emergency medicine.  Not all of the men I worked with expected this, but I certainly was very sensitive to it.  Although, there remained a double standard.  If there were a call for a woman who was assaulted, they always sent me.  I remember one night we caught a call out of rotation and it was because it was an assault.  It was my 4th call like this in 2 weeks.  As I went to hop into the back of the truck, I looked at my partner and said "I can't do this."  Fortunately, I was working with a kind hearted guy, and he rode the call.  I was very sad while driving to the hospital and actually apologized to the patient as we were unloading her.  I felt like a failure because it was the one thing I could do better than my male counterparts.  It was the one place I could easily prove myself uniquely useful on this shift, and I had failed.  More costly, I felt like I had failed this patient.  I drank a good bit that night.  The nightmares were coming and the only coping skill I had was in several bottles of wine.
I would learn years later about self care.  I would learn that it is perfectly healthy to acknowledge your limits and ask for help.  I would learn that I had actually not failed.  Most importantly, I would learn that I really have noting to prove.
This picture is of a sign at the gate to our driveway.  As I write this, I am listening to a crew cutting down a pine tree.  I watched the guy with a chainsaw hanging out of the bucket and realized that, for the most part, that really is a man's job.  Very few women would have the upper body strength.  Actually, very few men would have it.
I remember my days in EMS fondly.  I cringe when I think of some of the things I did or said.  I was relentlessly picked on, and developed quite an attitude.  Yet, I wouldn't trade those years for anything.  I'm glad I broke into a "man's" world for a little while.  There are more and more women in EMS and there are more and more men in Nursing.  While there is still a small part of me that wants to see the sign say 'people' working, I don't have the energy for those fights any more.