Contempt

My husband and I took part in a marriage workshop last winter. The facilitator talked about the 4 dark horsemen of relationships. The worst one was contempt. She said that once contempt entered a relationship, it was in great danger of falling apart.
I, initially, spent a great deal of time in contemplation of where I saw contempt in other people. They say that familiarity breeds contempt. I see this as being a very true statement. So, as I observed some of my feelings of contempt for someone, I decided that I had a choice to make. I really don’t think that a relationship has room for both love and contempt. I think that you have to choose between the two. This helped me strengthen my resolve to stay healthy in my marriage, and several friendships. I would welcome the familiarity and resist any contempt that started to seep in, realizing that contempt would prevent me from loving that person.
Well, to every lesson learned, there is another side. I also started paying attention to how I was being treated by people in my life. I started picking up on other’s contempt of me. This was a hard thing to realize in people who I had thought to be very good friends. I can now see that some people would rather hide behind contempt for another person. This makes me very sad for them. I also decided that I had fallen prey to much undeserved contempt. I didn’t want relationships with people who thought they were better than…
So, one fateful day, I decided to defend myself. As I stood being lectured by a so called friend, I responded with a simple statement. “You have NOTHING but contempt and judgment for me.” Her response was “Yes, I have nothing but contempt and judgment for you because….”. I stopped her there. I was tired of being judged, held in contempt, forced into a label of me that simply wasn’t true. It was a freeing moment. As I exited the room, I told her that she had to choose. “Contempt or love, you can’t have both.”
So, in crazy journey of mine, I have learned a great deal about myself. In the days of being a paramedic, I was very, very judgmental. I held many of our patients with contempt. I will even confess to racist comments and all sorts of stupid things I regret. It was part of a unhealthy coping mechanism. And, unfortunately, a product of a poor self esteem. At times, I was simply ‘projecting’ parts of myself. How we treat each other ends up being a reflection of what we believe about ourselves. We have to choose, consciously, how we want to live our lives. So my journey of self discovery has led me to one beautiful conclusion. I am worthy of love and respect. I also believe that every single person is also worthy of the same thing.