It was a bit of a heartbreaking Christmas. We, as a family, were grieving the loss of my grandmother. We also struggled to get our 4 kids the Christmas presents they asked for. Our finances are limited, so the younger kids decided to ask Santa for things we were not in a position to buy. Ugh! I learned what it meant to disappoint my child.
My eldest was given the short end of the stick. In the mix of things, her stocking and presents were pretty bare. The one thing I spent time picking out was the wrong color. "It's like you don't even know me!" Those words hit hard.
Of course, with any expressed emotions, we have the opportunity for discussion. After heartfelt apologies and attempts as making up, I shared my own experience of the same feeling. As I child, I had a very limited palate. I basically ate hamburgers and pizza. In my 20's, my palate expanded exponentially and I came to reject the basic American foods. Yet, when I was late for supper at a fine dining restaurant, my dad ordered me the hamburger. "It's what you always order." Yes, it's what I ordered 10 years ago. Not now.
It was heartbreaking for me to watch my father struggle in his confusion. I am one of those children who always aimed to please, so it was hard for me. In these confusing times, it is hard to find firm ground. It is even harder to recognize that maybe we don't always know the other person. Most parents are not willing to admit they don't really know their kids. Something in that can be very threatening for parents. I'm not sure why. It was easier for me to eat the hamburger with happiness than it was for us to spend time getting to know each other.
This is the same lament that I gave my Spiritual Director one day. I was in the midst of a huge upheaval with friends and I cried "I thought I knew her!". The Nun calmly replied with great wisdom "You knew her at a moment in time, but we all change. You are different, she is too." She was inviting me into a space that allowed me to grow, to change. It is a space that allows other the same opportunity. We humans are not supposed to remain a snapshot, frozen in time. We are ever changing. I think the Buddhists call it the Art of Impermanence.
The conversation following the Christmas debacle was a good one. It was an important one for me and my oldest child to have. I think parents should be invited into a space where they begin again. One of the tasks of adulthood is getting to know ourselves. I'm spending more and more of my time doing this. Who am I?
Today, I filled out a questionnaire for Clemson Alumni. For the first time, I fit into a "choose one" blank. It was as if I was given a signal that I'm getting to know myself better. It felt pretty good. My hope is that as I get to know myself, I also get to know others. I certainly should never assume that I really know another person, even when we live in the same house.
I am proud of a daughter who exerts her growth and doesn't shy away from hard discussions. It took courage for her to confess her feelings. It makes me proud to be her mother.
