I read or heard a famous author talk about his first published book. He said that after writing so many other books, he went back and read his first one. He said that it was just plain awful. Yet, he decided to publish it again to show people something. He said that, like anything in life, we grow and get better at things. He wanted to offer his first book to that concept.
I feel a little bit the same way about this blog. I've gone back and read some of it. I also have come to know that some of what I have said was misunderstood. I've struggled with posting something new for over a month now, not knowing how to resolve this personal struggle. I don't want to be misunderstood. I want people to quit making negative assumptions about me and see me as I grow. In this culture, we are taught to sit back and judge one another. We do it from across the room. We might be willing to write a letter, read a blog or send an email. When did we quit talking *with* each other. Where are the dialogues? Why is it so hard to walk across the room and talk to someone?
I, honestly, think that this is the biggest problem in most churches and families. In order to sit and talk with someone, you must make yourself vulnerable. You must be willing to listen to their side of the story. Most importantly, you are not going to be in control. You might hear something you didn't want to hear. You loose the ability to judge someone from a distance. You might realize that you were wrong about someone. You might realize that people grow and they change.
I think that is my biggest struggle right now. I want people to see me as a growing, learning person. I have learned from my mistakes, and I have paid for them. I want people to make an effort to get to know me, instead of judging me from across the room. Real, authentic, relationships require effort and time.
In the past couple of years, I have shed some pretty big layers. I have let go of a ton of things as I try to grow in this new skin of mine. As I was talking to a trusted friend, I told her that I feel so vulnerable. She told me that I *feel* vulnerable, because I am *being* vulnerable. I don't exactly like this feeling. I feel as if I have been rubbed raw with all that has happened lately. I hope that this is what I am supposed to be doing. I hope that there is some reason for it. I hope that people start seeing me for who I really am, as I try walking around in this new layer.
