I asked a friend of mine last weekend something. I asked him why I continue to reach out to people, even after they have dismissed me. He answered. "It could be one of two reasons. You are stupid. Or your heart is in the right place."
I think that both of these are right. I am just plain stupid sometimes. I should do a better job of deciding who and when to reach out to people. More than that, I need to make sure I am doing it for the right reasons. I need to be willing to keep my guard up. I am learning that I can reach out to people, and guard myself at the same time.
On the other hand, I am starting to think that my heart might just be in the right place. I think that this is just simply a part of me that I cannot deny. I have decided to give up hope of stopping. I suspect that I will always reach out to people. I will leave the doors open. I will always have hope for Reconciliation.
Hopeless to change. This is just a part of who I am. I better start accepting it.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
A question
It was a very simple question, mixed into a conversation. "How's your prayer life?" Ouch. "Not so good." was the answer. I admitted that I have gotten bogged down in so many different things, that I have neglected my prayers.
My grandmother would pray continuously during the day. I would find her sitting with her eyes closed, thinking she was asleep. She would open them and just say she was praying. My great-aunt came to stay with us one night. She left her notebook there by accident. It was a notebook with the names of all of the people she prayed for at night. I realized my name was in it, and I was overcome. She was praying for me, my husband and our child every night.
I remember one of the saddest moments I could recall. My grandmother had died 2 days before, and I was going to take my final exam for nursing. I was a wreck with all of the stress and realized how much I had come to rely on being able to call my grandmother and ask her to pray for me. I felt so alone knowing she was not around to answer that phone call. It was then that I realized that I needed to start learning to pray for myself.
I keep wondering what this Lent will bring for me. I think that bringing back a steady and intentional prayer life is a must. I've never been one to pray publicly. I have never felt comfortable praying out loud with anybody. Recently, a friend asked me to pray with him, and I went a long way out of my comfort zone. It was a very sweet experience for me, and I am glad he asked.
I am grateful for people who are willing to nudge me with questions. I am grateful for people who help me grow out of my comfort zone. I am looking forward to a trip to see a Spiritual Director this weekend. I am also going on a Lenten retreat. I am hoping to slow down, remember my prayer life and embrace all of the blessings of my life. I grew up with the generations before me offering prayers for me and my family. To them, I am most grateful.
My grandmother would pray continuously during the day. I would find her sitting with her eyes closed, thinking she was asleep. She would open them and just say she was praying. My great-aunt came to stay with us one night. She left her notebook there by accident. It was a notebook with the names of all of the people she prayed for at night. I realized my name was in it, and I was overcome. She was praying for me, my husband and our child every night.
I remember one of the saddest moments I could recall. My grandmother had died 2 days before, and I was going to take my final exam for nursing. I was a wreck with all of the stress and realized how much I had come to rely on being able to call my grandmother and ask her to pray for me. I felt so alone knowing she was not around to answer that phone call. It was then that I realized that I needed to start learning to pray for myself.
I keep wondering what this Lent will bring for me. I think that bringing back a steady and intentional prayer life is a must. I've never been one to pray publicly. I have never felt comfortable praying out loud with anybody. Recently, a friend asked me to pray with him, and I went a long way out of my comfort zone. It was a very sweet experience for me, and I am glad he asked.
I am grateful for people who are willing to nudge me with questions. I am grateful for people who help me grow out of my comfort zone. I am looking forward to a trip to see a Spiritual Director this weekend. I am also going on a Lenten retreat. I am hoping to slow down, remember my prayer life and embrace all of the blessings of my life. I grew up with the generations before me offering prayers for me and my family. To them, I am most grateful.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Forgiveness
Forgive me as I ramble a bit in this blog. I have something in my head that I am trying to get on the outside, and I am hoping that it make sense to someone.
I sat down with a counselor last summer to process a 'critical incident'. It was a chance to move on from a particularly hurtful scene that happened early in my nursing career. After our talk, she mailed me 2 (not one), but 2 books on forgiveness. I have only read one. I plan to read the other one for Lent. It seems to be such a very simple thing to do, forgive someone. Yet, I am beginning to think that it is one of the most misunderstood things in the world. And I think the reason it is so misunderstood is simply a lack of awareness. We are not always aware of how we hurt others. Even worse, we are not always aware of how someone has hurt us. That leads to a series of unconsciously hurting each other back. We don't always realize that we do something, just to hurt the other person back. It becomes a series of justification of actions. Justifying our actions keeps us from being accountable to them.
So how do we be accountable for our actions?
First, we need to be aware of what we are doing. We also need to be aware of how we are affecting other people. When we have hurt the other person, we need to say "I'm sorry." We may even have to ask for forgiveness. This doesn't mean that we should feel terrible. It simply means we made a mistake, and there were unintended consequences.
I remember, very distinctly, a pivotal point in my mothering. I was exasperated with our oldest. I was tired, working nights and absolutely miserable. She wouldn't do something that I wanted her to do, and I yelled at her. She looked at me with hurt in her eyes. I stopped to look at the hurt. At first, I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to acknowledge that I could hurt my own child that much. I didn't want to acknowledge that part of me existed. After a few minutes, I went and apologized. I asked for forgiveness and went into work that night. I quit that job that night and decided to move onto other things in my life. It was a very, very good decision for me. That was a big lesson in my life. I needed to move into a state of forgiveness with my children. I needed to be willing to face my own ability to do harm and to be harmed. Most importantly, I have all too human limitations.
A couple of weeks ago, Oprah was talking about forgiveness. She said "Forgiving is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." It is simply a way of moving forward. Unfortunately, I think the human side of us keeps us wanting to stay in the same place. Moving forward is unknown and probably uncomfortable. Plus, forgiveness is an ongoing process. In our most important relationships, we should always be looking for, and giving forgiveness. Sometimes we have to do it over and over. Sometimes, we might even get it right and heal a hurt. Most importantly, we may even get to a place of being able to forgive ourselves. We may start living a life of someone who realizes that everyone makes mistakes.
I sat down with a counselor last summer to process a 'critical incident'. It was a chance to move on from a particularly hurtful scene that happened early in my nursing career. After our talk, she mailed me 2 (not one), but 2 books on forgiveness. I have only read one. I plan to read the other one for Lent. It seems to be such a very simple thing to do, forgive someone. Yet, I am beginning to think that it is one of the most misunderstood things in the world. And I think the reason it is so misunderstood is simply a lack of awareness. We are not always aware of how we hurt others. Even worse, we are not always aware of how someone has hurt us. That leads to a series of unconsciously hurting each other back. We don't always realize that we do something, just to hurt the other person back. It becomes a series of justification of actions. Justifying our actions keeps us from being accountable to them.
So how do we be accountable for our actions?
First, we need to be aware of what we are doing. We also need to be aware of how we are affecting other people. When we have hurt the other person, we need to say "I'm sorry." We may even have to ask for forgiveness. This doesn't mean that we should feel terrible. It simply means we made a mistake, and there were unintended consequences.
I remember, very distinctly, a pivotal point in my mothering. I was exasperated with our oldest. I was tired, working nights and absolutely miserable. She wouldn't do something that I wanted her to do, and I yelled at her. She looked at me with hurt in her eyes. I stopped to look at the hurt. At first, I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to acknowledge that I could hurt my own child that much. I didn't want to acknowledge that part of me existed. After a few minutes, I went and apologized. I asked for forgiveness and went into work that night. I quit that job that night and decided to move onto other things in my life. It was a very, very good decision for me. That was a big lesson in my life. I needed to move into a state of forgiveness with my children. I needed to be willing to face my own ability to do harm and to be harmed. Most importantly, I have all too human limitations.
A couple of weeks ago, Oprah was talking about forgiveness. She said "Forgiving is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." It is simply a way of moving forward. Unfortunately, I think the human side of us keeps us wanting to stay in the same place. Moving forward is unknown and probably uncomfortable. Plus, forgiveness is an ongoing process. In our most important relationships, we should always be looking for, and giving forgiveness. Sometimes we have to do it over and over. Sometimes, we might even get it right and heal a hurt. Most importantly, we may even get to a place of being able to forgive ourselves. We may start living a life of someone who realizes that everyone makes mistakes.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Frustration
•The feelings, thoughts, and behaviors associated with not achieving a particular goal or the belief that a goal has been prematurely interrupted.
allpsych.com/dictionary/dictionary2.html
I am beginning to think that this blog is simply a record of the hard lessons I have learned over the past year. Well, guess what: I learned another hard lesson last night. I realized that when I say things out of frustrations, people can get hurt. I realized that when things are said this way, there can be some real unintended consequences. I has started to chalk this up to one more of my many, many "mistakes". Fortunately, a friend (who is wise beyond her years) said something that set me straight. She said that if it is something that you can learn from, then it wasn't a mistake. It means that you learned from it so that you won't do it again. What a positive way of looking at things! She helped me feel better about myself, and held me accountable to my experiences and knowledge.
So, this is the lesson. I have been trying to figure out why, at times, I come across to people in an unintended way. I think that I need to do a much better job of understanding when I am really frustrated. When I am really frustrated is NOT the time to speak. It is NOT the time to post things on Facebook. Most of all, it is NOT the time to write a blog. I realize, now, that some of the things I have posted here were written in frustration. I had the best of intentions, but frustration, anger, hurt skew things in a way that cause things to be misunderstood.
So here is another definition of frustration:
a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/frustration)
So, I think that frustration comes from a sense of powerlessness, immaturity. I need to get away from those feelings. I think that I have a habit of selling myself short. I forget that I do have some power and maturity. Scarier than that, I might even gain some authority. I need to access that part of me and learn better the ways to act in this world. I might even try smiling and joking with people, instead of walking around frustrated.
allpsych.com/dictionary/dictionary2.html
I am beginning to think that this blog is simply a record of the hard lessons I have learned over the past year. Well, guess what: I learned another hard lesson last night. I realized that when I say things out of frustrations, people can get hurt. I realized that when things are said this way, there can be some real unintended consequences. I has started to chalk this up to one more of my many, many "mistakes". Fortunately, a friend (who is wise beyond her years) said something that set me straight. She said that if it is something that you can learn from, then it wasn't a mistake. It means that you learned from it so that you won't do it again. What a positive way of looking at things! She helped me feel better about myself, and held me accountable to my experiences and knowledge.
So, this is the lesson. I have been trying to figure out why, at times, I come across to people in an unintended way. I think that I need to do a much better job of understanding when I am really frustrated. When I am really frustrated is NOT the time to speak. It is NOT the time to post things on Facebook. Most of all, it is NOT the time to write a blog. I realize, now, that some of the things I have posted here were written in frustration. I had the best of intentions, but frustration, anger, hurt skew things in a way that cause things to be misunderstood.
So here is another definition of frustration:
a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/frustration)
So, I think that frustration comes from a sense of powerlessness, immaturity. I need to get away from those feelings. I think that I have a habit of selling myself short. I forget that I do have some power and maturity. Scarier than that, I might even gain some authority. I need to access that part of me and learn better the ways to act in this world. I might even try smiling and joking with people, instead of walking around frustrated.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Our way of saying goodbye
I had the privilege of attending the funeral of a long time paramedic last weekend. My husband and 3 younger kids went with me. I knew it would be something special, but I was not prepared for how emotional it would be for me. I spent a total of 8 years running ambulance calls in my life. Most people have very little idea of the 'stuff' that we see and do. Very few people understand the culture surrounding EMS. I find myself very lucky to have spent some serving among some amazing EMT's and Paramedics who answer the call to help some one else. It was so good for me to see so many of them again last weekend, even if it was to say goodbye to our Chief. As we were driving to the funeral, we realized that we weren't exactly sure where the church was. Yet, as we rounded a corner we found slew of ambulances, firetrucks and rescue vehicles outside of a church. We knew we were there. As we got out of the van, I heard the bagpipes. I started to realize how special the day was going to be. The funeral itself was a fairly simple affair with 3 speakers and one song. Yet, there was majesty as the line of uniformed EMS workers filed into their seats. The speakers all spoke from the heart, giving very personal accounts of the chief. One of them even addressed how hard the job of an EMT is. He recognized the long hours, little pay and little thanks. One talked about how important Ron's family was to him. The other summed it my feelings very well. Ron Hart wanted to make you a better person. He was even willing to hurt your feelings. This was a man who helped me grow up. At the time, I didn't realize how much he had taught me.
After the funeral service, the honor guard loaded his casket into an ambulance draped in black. The bagpipes played. It was beautiful. We then gathered in the long line driving to the internment. As we gathered at the graveside, a few more words were said. The bagpipes played "Taps". The flag was folded and presented. After that came silence. I couldn't see what was going on near the casket, so I had no idea what to expect. Then, over my shoulder, I heard the distant sound of a helicopter. As I turned, I realized there were two of them, flying in formation. My heart welled up as I realized the amount of effort that the EMS services had given in order to pay respect. One of the helicopters flew off, and the other hovered for a moment. Then the radio crackled, with the dispatcher calling out for Ron Hart. Her voice was breaking, because she knew he wouldn't answer. At this point, I began sobbing. I had run so many ambulance calls with Ron. I had heard him on the radio so many times. I did not want to feel the pain of knowing that he wasn't going to answer. Then, after calling for him 3 times, there was radio silence. Silence.
The honor guard placed thier gloves with the casket. Those gloves would never be used again.
The honor guard placed thier gloves with the casket. Those gloves would never be used again.
When a person is so important to so many different people, there is a huge void left over. There are no words to convey how that feels to an EMS community. Yet, that community gathered. They gathered and supported each other. They said goodbye in a way that will be remembered for a long time. To that community: I thank you for letting me be a part of things.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Improvement
This is a picture of the hair dryer I have been using since I went to college. That was 1990. To top that off, I have been sharing it with my teenage daughter. It doesn't work very well, it shuts off after a few minutes of blowing. It tortures us! Yet, it worked. Because it still worked, I have kept it and refused to buy a new one. This year for Christmas, I asked my daughter's grandparents to get her a new hairdryer. When I tried her brand new one, I couldn't get over how much better it was. Yet, I felt trapped with my trusty, old one because it still worked. I certainly wasn't going to spend my money on a new one.
The next Sunday, I was at my own grandmother's house. She had won a hairdryer in a drawing and she asked me if I wanted it. I confessed that I had been using the same hairdryer for 20 years and it would be nice to get a new one. Typical to my family's way of thinking my dad quipped "Doesn't the other one still work?". My answer was yes, it does still work. However, what is wrong with accepting something with improved quality? My hair gets dry in half the time. It has actually made a big difference in trying to get ready in the morning. I began wondering how much of my life could have been simplified if I had been willing to replace something that was still working.
I guess this brings me to a bigger question. What else in my life do I need to do? Why not buy or do something simply because it improves the quality of my life? I need to be willing to look at things that might be working, but can be easily improved. Or, what else am I holding onto that needs to be replaced.
I am amazed at the lesson of a simple hairdryer. It has been a part of my life through college, marriage and raising 4 kids, over half of my life! I am glad is it still working and around to teach me how silly some ideas can be.
Monday, February 7, 2011
A special day
It is a very, very special thing to serve at the altar with my child. I have no words as I try to explain my feelings about much of the last year. I am humbled every time I think about how people can grow, people can change, people can love each other. All in all, God works in very mysterious ways. I've decided to quit struggling to understand it. I'm just grateful to be a particpant in the great game called life. Thank you God.
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