Frustration

•The feelings, thoughts, and behaviors associated with not achieving a particular goal or the belief that a goal has been prematurely interrupted.
allpsych.com/dictionary/dictionary2.html

I am beginning to think that this blog is simply a record of the hard lessons I have learned over the past year. Well, guess what: I learned another hard lesson last night. I realized that when I say things out of frustrations, people can get hurt. I realized that when things are said this way, there can be some real unintended consequences. I has started to chalk this up to one more of my many, many "mistakes". Fortunately, a friend (who is wise beyond her years) said something that set me straight. She said that if it is something that you can learn from, then it wasn't a mistake. It means that you learned from it so that you won't do it again. What a positive way of looking at things! She helped me feel better about myself, and held me accountable to my experiences and knowledge.
So, this is the lesson. I have been trying to figure out why, at times, I come across to people in an unintended way. I think that I need to do a much better job of understanding when I am really frustrated. When I am really frustrated is NOT the time to speak. It is NOT the time to post things on Facebook. Most of all, it is NOT the time to write a blog. I realize, now, that some of the things I have posted here were written in frustration. I had the best of intentions, but frustration, anger, hurt skew things in a way that cause things to be misunderstood.
So here is another definition of frustration:
a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/frustration)

So, I think that frustration comes from a sense of powerlessness, immaturity. I need to get away from those feelings. I think that I have a habit of selling myself short. I forget that I do have some power and maturity. Scarier than that, I might even gain some authority. I need to access that part of me and learn better the ways to act in this world. I might even try smiling and joking with people, instead of walking around frustrated.

Our way of saying goodbye

I had the privilege of attending the funeral of a long time paramedic last weekend. My husband and 3 younger kids went with me. I knew it would be something special, but I was not prepared for how emotional it would be for me. I spent a total of 8 years running ambulance calls in my life. Most people have very little idea of the 'stuff' that we see and do. Very few people understand the culture surrounding EMS. I find myself very lucky to have spent some serving among some amazing EMT's and Paramedics who answer the call to help some one else. It was so good for me to see so many of them again last weekend, even if it was to say goodbye to our Chief.

As we were driving to the funeral, we realized that we weren't exactly sure where the church was. Yet, as we rounded a corner we found slew of ambulances, firetrucks and rescue vehicles outside of a church. We knew we were there. As we got out of the van, I heard the bagpipes. I started to realize how special the day was going to be. The funeral itself was a fairly simple affair with 3 speakers and one song. Yet, there was majesty as the line of uniformed EMS workers filed into their seats. The speakers all spoke from the heart, giving very personal accounts of the chief. One of them even addressed how hard the job of an EMT is. He recognized the long hours, little pay and little thanks. One talked about how important Ron's family was to him. The other summed it my feelings very well. Ron Hart wanted to make you a better person. He was even willing to hurt your feelings. This was a man who helped me grow up. At the time, I didn't realize how much he had taught me.

After the funeral service, the honor guard loaded his casket into an ambulance draped in black. The bagpipes played. It was beautiful. We then gathered in the long line driving to the internment. As we gathered at the graveside, a few more words were said. The bagpipes played "Taps". The flag was folded and presented. After that came silence. I couldn't see what was going on near the casket, so I had no idea what to expect. Then, over my shoulder, I heard the distant sound of a helicopter. As I turned, I realized there were two of them, flying in formation. My heart welled up as I realized the amount of effort that the EMS services had given in order to pay respect. One of the helicopters flew off, and the other hovered for a moment. Then the radio crackled, with the dispatcher calling out for Ron Hart. Her voice was breaking, because she knew he wouldn't answer. At this point, I began sobbing. I had run so many ambulance calls with Ron. I had heard him on the radio so many times. I did not want to feel the pain of knowing that he wasn't going to answer. Then, after calling for him 3 times, there was radio silence. Silence.
The honor guard placed thier gloves with the casket. Those gloves would never be used again.

When a person is so important to so many different people, there is a huge void left over. There are no words to convey how that feels to an EMS community. Yet, that community gathered. They gathered and supported each other. They said goodbye in a way that will be remembered for a long time. To that community: I thank you for letting me be a part of things.

Improvement

This is a picture of the hair dryer I have been using since I went to college. That was 1990. To top that off, I have been sharing it with my teenage daughter. It doesn't work very well, it shuts off after a few minutes of blowing. It tortures us! Yet, it worked. Because it still worked, I have kept it and refused to buy a new one. This year for Christmas, I asked my daughter's grandparents to get her a new hairdryer. When I tried her brand new one, I couldn't get over how much better it was. Yet, I felt trapped with my trusty, old one because it still worked. I certainly wasn't going to spend my money on a new one.

The next Sunday, I was at my own grandmother's house. She had won a hairdryer in a drawing and she asked me if I wanted it. I confessed that I had been using the same hairdryer for 20 years and it would be nice to get a new one. Typical to my family's way of thinking my dad quipped "Doesn't the other one still work?". My answer was yes, it does still work. However, what is wrong with accepting something with improved quality? My hair gets dry in half the time. It has actually made a big difference in trying to get ready in the morning. I began wondering how much of my life could have been simplified if I had been willing to replace something that was still working.

I guess this brings me to a bigger question. What else in my life do I need to do? Why not buy or do something simply because it improves the quality of my life? I need to be willing to look at things that might be working, but can be easily improved. Or, what else am I holding onto that needs to be replaced.

I am amazed at the lesson of a simple hairdryer. It has been a part of my life through college, marriage and raising 4 kids, over half of my life! I am glad is it still working and around to teach me how silly some ideas can be.

A special day

It is a very, very special thing to serve at the altar with my child. I have no words as I try to explain my feelings about much of the last year. I am humbled every time I think about how people can grow, people can change, people can love each other. All in all, God works in very mysterious ways. I've decided to quit struggling to understand it. I'm just grateful to be a particpant in the great game called life. Thank you God.

Nothing else matters

Twice in the past couple of weeks, I have reconnected with old friends. It had been years since I had seen or spoken to either one of them. With the first friend, I had heard the news that he was facing life-threatening cancer. I sat and counted the years since I had seen him. It was over 15 years since I had made any effort to see him. Embarrassment set in as I realized that I had been too caught up with my own life. I don't even send out Christmas cards anymore. I fretted over how, or when to go visit him. I was worried that he would be mad at me for waiting so long to show up. I finally found a day, jumped in my car with homemade banana bread and headed out for the 2 hour drive. I was nervous as I walked up the steps and found him sitting in his chair. In about 30 seconds, I realized that nothing else really mattered. I was here to be present with a friend. Everything else washed away. Within about 5 minutes, we were laughing, remembering old times. It was a wonderful visit. I am so utterly grateful for an opportunity to remember what really matters. I think that I recieved far more of a blessing than I gave. I spent much of my ride home, realizing how much of life is wasted worrying about things that do not matter. Worse than that, I started to realize how time I have wasted feeling sorry for myself.

With the second friend, we have a long history of ups and downs. It was nothing out of the ordinary in friendships. Yet, it had been a long time since we had put any effort towards reconnecting. When I found out his baby had been born with a serious birth defect, all of those issues washed away in about 3 seconds. I just wanted to call him and tell him how much I loved him. When life challenges you in this way, nothing else matters. Being present with a friend is what really matters.

I think that jobs that I have had are very helpful for me in this case. I have been a paramedic and ER nurse. When you have seen the things I have seen, and done the things that I have done, it is easy to remember that what really matters.

Working things through

Last year, I was privileged to be able to come in a full circle with myself. I was able to do this because of a gift of real friendship. It happened because of community.
I lived much of my life with one set of beliefs. I've spent a great deal of energy shedding much of these beliefs. A recent comment from my teenager helped me distinguish (or maybe extinguish) a belief. She told me that she was afraid to say the wrong thing to a family friend. She knew if she said the wrong thing that this person would 'quit talking to me'. We both realized that her fear was real. Some people base a friendship on being able to say only what the other person wants to hear. That had always been the basis of friendship for me. Now, thanks to a good friend, I believe differently.
Several years ago, I had a very bad, very loud argument with a friend. She walked up to hug me, and (at the time) I hated being touched, much less hugged. I exploded at her, and we had a big argument at the park. She and I both left in tears. Because of my 'old belief system', I assumed that our friendship was over. I had stepped out of the 'boundary' of saying what she wanted to hear. Instead of the end of the friendship, it signaled the real beginning. I still don't understand it. By the time I got home to email my sincere apologies, she had already explored her part in the argument. She was ready to apologize, and so was I. We agreed that we both had conflicting ideas about hugs, and that was OK. So, over the next few years, we found ways of disagreeing while listening to the other person's fears. We based all of our disagreements in the fact that we both loved each other. People don't feel threatened in a relationship based on love. We decided that whenever we felt fear or discord, we would be able to work it through. This sort of relationship becomes one in which both people end up co-evolving. It is not based in fear, but in love.
A year ago this week, our argument about simple hug came to bear the most amazing fruit. In a moment of pure agony and grief, this friend and I embraced each other with abandon. We were at the graveside of a friend, and we truly needed each other. It was a very, very healing moment for me as I let myself open up to another person in a hug. I would have never gotten to experience this Healing if my friend hadn't had the courage to work things out. I am so truly blessed with these new beliefs. I now recognize that relationships should be based in love and not fear. I try to move forward, with courage, in love with people. I still feel the sting of being ignored or excluded when I don't say what some people want to hear. Yet, I am encouraged by people who have shown me differently. Thanks, Tracee, I am forever in your debt.

Another quote

"Unwittingly, I was looking for a door and not a doorway, something to hide behind and think private thoughts, not a conduit to let the community into my heart. Loneliness was the worst punishment imaginable, and I was trying to rent it." p. 85 of Secrets of the Talking Jaguar by Martin Prechtel